Lunes, Pebrero 11, 2008

jokes agAIN

  • DO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS ? 1. Use BE COOL and I'LL BUY in a sentence. ...The tourist went to Mayon volcano in I'LL BUY, BE COOL. 2. Use SCHOOLING in a sentence. ...(phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING? 3. Use AFFECT in a sentence. ...Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring. 4. Use ADIEU in a sentence. ...If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you. 5. Use DECANTER in a sentence. ...You can order that medicine over DECANTER. 6. Use DELETION in a sentence. ...The balat of DELETION is crispy. 7. Use DESPISE in a sentence. ...Who baked all DESPISE? 8. Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a sentence. ...I am looking for DIFFERENT of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL consent so he can go to the picnic. AND NOW FOR THE FILIPINOS WHO CAN READ AND UNDERSTAND TAGALOG: 9. Use BORROW in a sentence. ...Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo. 10. Use CAESAREAN in a sentence. ...Lintek, anak, mag-ingat ka, CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo. 11. Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence. ...Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain, pero, ko-CONTEMPLATE. 12. Use ARTESIA in a sentence (if you don't know what this is, it's a city [or street] at the L.A. COUNTY in CALIFORNIA) ...Nako naman, ang ganda-ganda nang bebot na yun, pero, ma-ARTESIA. 13. Use CADET in a sentence. ...CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET niya. 14. Use CARDIAC in a sentence. ...Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi. 15. Use CENTURION in a sentence. ...Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokohan niya. 16. Use DEDICATE in a sentence. ...Pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong DEDICATE iyan. 17. Use DELICACY in a sentence. ...Bagal mo... DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo. 18. Use DEPRECIATE in a sentence. ...Sister, DEPRECIATE already, kaya pwede na tayong kumain. 19. Use DIFFUSION in a sentence. ...Brownout...siguradong DIFFUSION pumutok. 20. Use LAITY in a sentence. ...Taga "laity" si Imelda Marcos. 21. Use MENTION in a sentence. ...Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION. 22. Use ebonic word MOTHA' FUCKA' in a sentece. ...Iho mag-ingat, ka baka MOTHA' FUCKA' AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: 23. Use SECOND THOUGHT in a sentence. ...Hindi pa bumibili ng bagong kotse ang mag-asawang si Pedro at Maria dahil magse-SECOND THOUGHT pa daw sila. Update Date June 13, 2000
  • Imelda Goes To Heaven "Imelda dies and goes to heaven. The heavenly court is gathered to welcome all the newcomers to heaven. God the Father is there seated on his throne in all his splendor. The Second Person of the Trinity is there also, and the Holy Spirit, the Virgin Mary, and all the saints. As Imelda enters, everyone stands up ­ except God the Father, who does not get up from his throne. Jesus, the second Person of the Trinity turns to him, and says, "Heavenly Father, what's the matter? Why don't you stand up to welcome Imelda Marcos? God the Father replies: "I am afraid to lose my seat. If I stand up she will take my throne."
  • TEACHER There was this Filipino kindergarten teacher and she was teaching her class how to do the hokey-pokey. She started off by saying, "You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out, you put your right feet in...." Suddenly one of the children said, "Teacher you have to say 'foot.'" So the teacher said, "You 'foot' your right feet in, you 'foot' your right feet out....."
  • USE THE WORD A Filipino guy gets stopped by immigration at the airport. Immigration tells him, "Use the words 'chicken not bread' in a sentence. " The Filipino looks around, puts a bag over a woman's head and yells, "Chee kennot bred! Chee kennot bred!" (accent on "she cannot breathe")
  • TEAM There were three basketball teams: the White team, the Black team, and the Filipino team. They all didn't know what to call each other. The white team decided to be the "A" team and the Filipinos were the "B" team. What was the black team? -the "E" team.
  • USE THE WORD persuading: Later this year, John F. Kennedy and his wife will celebrate their persuading anniversary. deposit: When washing my hands, I always turn on deposit. deficit: Before going into the pool, I always check how dep-i-cit. protestant: I always get my apples and sag-ing at the protestant. devastation: I wait for the bus at devastation. analyze and anatomy: My analyze over the ocean, so bring back my anatomy. tenacious: Before playing tennis I have to put on my tenacious. deduct, defense, defeat, and detail: De-duct jumped over de-fense. De-feat first, de-tail last. associate: I looked in the toilet and a-sso-ciate. Uno, dos, tres: UNO! Dos tres are on fire! diniguan: I tried turning on the TV, but no matter how many times I try, it diniguan. penis: Before you go out, penis your homework. What's the ugliest cow in the world? ---Ikaw. Did you know that Filipinos named Staten Island? They were passing by on a boat and one said, "Is staten island?" What did one Filipino monument say to the other Filipino monument? ---Is statue? What's the deadliest gang in the Philippines? ---the "sini" gang.
  • MORE OF THE USUAL TENACIOUS - I went to "The Athlete's Foot" yesterday to buy a pair of tenacious. CONTEMPLATE - I went to a party last night. There was so much food pero co-contemplate. CURTAIN and KITCHEN - Aray! Huwag mo kong curtain. Masa-kitchen. PUNCTUATION - Daddy, pasukan na next week. Kailangan ko ng punctuation. GUAVA - I just had a haircut. Masa-guava? DEDUCT, DEFEAT, and DETAIL - Deduct jumped over defense but detail landed before defeat. DEPOSIT - Paki-check nga ang banyo. I think deposit is leaking. ICE BUKO - Nagpagupit ako kanina, tingnan mo nga, ice buko? PERSUADING - Kiko and Kikay got married on June 1, 1992. So last June 1, 1993, they are going to celebrate their persuading anniversary. DEVASTATION - I wait for the bus at devastation every morning. CONCLUSION and OPINION - (Pointing to a door): Conclusion, hindi opinion. PAMPERS and PAPERS - At the gasoline station, I asked the attendant, "Do I pampers or do I papers?" DIFFERENCE and DIFFERENCES - If the royal family has a baby boy, he is called difference; if they have a baby girl, she is called differences. PROTESTANT - Apples, oranges, and other fruits can be bought at the protestant. ANALYZE and ANATOMY - My analyze over the ocean so bring back my anatomy. IRAQ, IRAN, EGYPT - Iraq is bigger than a stone; Iran is faster than a walk; and Egypt is smaller than a truck. PAUL, PAUL, PAUL, PAUL, PAUL - Paul, be carepaul; you might paul in the swimming paul and make a paul of yourself. CASHEW and SKATE - I want to have a tattoo sana cashew mukhang ma-skate, eh. CUISINE - I hope you studied last night because our teacher might give a surprise cuisine Math. Update Date June 24, 2000
  • NEW "REAL" BUSINESS NAMES Let the "pun' begin... Jealous Neighbor, Hollow Block Tapsi-Turbi (for tapa, sinigang, turon, barbecue) Tom Cruz Grill Sylvester Salon Beery Good Obeertime James Tailor Bill Gets Dr. Sebago-in (shoe repair) Austin Powers (mechanic) Jaribee Chicken Cainta Key Fried Chicken The Fried of Marikina
  • WITH AN 'R' First day ng klase. Siyempre, magpapakilala muna si titser. mukhang strikto, terror ala Miss Tapia. Sinulat niya ang pangalan niya sa blackboard. 'Miss Pruke.' Pigil ang hagikgik ng mga estudyante. baka mapagalitan sila. "My name is Miss Pruke. Don't forget. With an R, with an R, with an R." stress ni titser. "Bukas bago magsimula ang klase, kapag meron akong tinawag, dapat alam niyong banggitin ang pangalan ko ng tama." Paglabas ng mga estudyante ng klassroom, Inulit-ulit nila sa kanilang isip, "with an R, with an R, with an R." Kinabukasan, preparado ang lahat sa pagtawag ng titser maliban kay Juan. Wala namang ginagawa si Juan sa klase kundi mag-daydream. kaya siya ang napansin ng titser. "Juan!" Sigaw ni titser. gulat na tumayo si Juan. "Yes ma'am?" "Ano ang pangalan ko?" Namamawis sa kaba si Juan. nakalimutan niya ang pangalan ng titser. Sabay sabay ang buong klase sa pagbigay sa kanya ng clue. "With an R, with an R, with an R" "Ah!" biglang naisip ni Juan, "Natatandaan ko na ang pangalan niyo." "Ano?" tanong ni titser. "Miss Prekprek." Update Date June 27, 2000
  • PLANE AT LAST!! Passengers on a Philippine Airlines flight heard this announcement from the captain, Capt. Juan Amorpropio: "Mga kababayan, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean" The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement: "Mga kababayan, we at Philippine Airlines have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane" As commented by one of the passengers: "Galing, that's what i like about PAL, always has some contingency measures of some sort!, I hope they help me out coz' i definitely don't know how to swim." After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement: "Mga kababayan we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane THANK YOU FOR FLYING PHILIPPINE AIRLINES."
  • PINOY ADS "Hump at your own risk " -Urdaneta Village, Makati (circa 1961) * Notice * NO Stambay Vendors Carry firearms inside the club -Cavite FOR SALE U.S. GALLONS big...P6.00 small..P5.00 - Makati IMPOTENCE DEMO --shop selling a cure for impotence, in an alley near Shaw Blvd SLOW MEN AT WORK --PLDT sign (so much for zero backlog) "Welcome to the Philippines- The Only Catholic Country in Asia!" and directly underneath that sign: BEWARE OF PICKPOCKETS We Make Modern & Antique Furniture -- sign in Pampanga "Atty. Domino Carriedo" Notary Public Tumatanggap din ho ng labada tuwing Linggo -- a sign in Cebu Petal Attraction -- a flower shop near U.P. Diliman Please help our comfort room clean. --self-service restaurant in Cebu Jeepney and Bus signs "Before pay, tell where get the on before get the off." "Full string to stop driver." "God knows Hudas not pay." "For reckless driving, call ###-#####" "Don't close to me, close to God." A Sign we found in a convent in Baguio "2nd Floor Upstairs." "Danger Wall is Falling!" - a sign on a cracked lopsided wall along Libis, QC. * Pansit ng taga-Malaboni - sign along Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong * Cooking ng ina mo - a carinderia * Cooking ng ina mo rin - right across from "Cooking ng ina_ mo" Update Date July 3, 2000
  • MAGALING NA DAW Ine-examin nung Doktor yung isang pasyente sa Mental Hospital sa pamamagitan ng tanong at sagot. Tanong nung Doktor, "Kung ikaw ay palabasin ngayon sa ospital, ano ang iyong unang gagawin?" Sagot nung pasyente, "Titiradorin ko po ang buwan!" Wika nung Doktor, "Ikaw ay hindi pa pwedeng palabasin. E-examinin ulit kita sa paglipas ng anim na buwan." Pagkaraan ng anim na buwan, muling inexamin nung Doktor yung pasyente. Tanong nung Doktor, "Kung ikaw ay palabasin ngayon sa ospital, ano ang iyong gagawin?" Sagot ng pasyente. "Doktor, ako'y magaling na. Pagkalabas ko po sa ospital, ako po ay hahanap ng trabaho upang mamuhay ng mag-isa." Muling nagtanong ang Doktor, "Pagnakahanap ka ng trabaho, ano ang iyong gagawin?" Sagot ng pasyente, "Doktor, ako po ay manliligaw ng isang mabait, masipag at magandang babaeng pwede kong makakapiling na pang habang buhay." Gulat ang Doktor! Mukhang matino na ang kaniyang pasyente! Muli pang nagtanong ang Doktor, "Pagkatapos niyong makasal, ano ang iyong gagawin?" Sagot ng pasyente, "Aba, Doktor, kami po ay mag-hahanimun!" Bilib na naman ang Doktor. Tanong ulit ng Doktor, "Ano ang iyong gagawin sa inyong hanimun?" Sagot ng pasyente, "Doktor, huhubarin ko po ang blusa at palda ng aking bagong asawa.""Pagkatapos..." tanong ng Doktor. "Pagkatapos... " sabi ng pasyente, "huhubarin ko ang kaniyang bra at panty". "Pagkatapos..." tanong ng Doktor. "Pagkatapos..." sabi ng pasyente, "kukunin ko lahat ng lastiko sa bra at panty at titiradorin ko ang buwan!" Update Date July 6, 2000
  • DALAWANG UNANO Dalawang unano, nag-goodtime sa Bocaue. They are having a time of their life at Beer Gardens and Kareoke bars and they capped the fun with 'companions' for the rest of the night. Kumuha sila ng magkatabing kuwarto sa motel room. Iyong isa disappointed dahil hindi siya 'tigasan'. Kahit anong concentrate ang gawin niya ay wala parin. Lalong lumaki ang disappointment niya dahil naririnig ang nasa kabilang kuwarto na bumibilang ....ISA .....DALAWA...... TATLO......UMMPPP sa boung magdamag. Kinabukasan, sa kanilang pag-uusap: "Disappointed ako dahil kahit anong gawin ko hindi ako tigasan." "Eh, di mas lalo na ako, HINDI AKO MAKASAMPA SA KAMA."
  • ANG PALAY Nitong mga nakaraang buwan napapansin ni Mister ang pagiging matabang ni Misis. Walang maisip na dahilan si Mister sa pagiging matabang ni Misis kundi ang posibilidad na si Misis ay kumakaliwa. Sa pag-iisip ni Mister kung papaano ang gagawin upang mapatunayan kung totoo ang kanyang hinala, nabanggit niya sa kanyang Kumpare ang kanyang niloloob. Mister: "Pare palagay ko ang Kumare mo kinakaliwa ako ngunit hindi ko mapatunayan." Kumpadre: "Sana naman Pare hindi totoo ang hinala mo, pero kung gusto mo, mayroon akong alam na paraan para mo mapatunayan ang hinala mo." Mister: "Siyanga Pare, ano ang alam mong paraan?" Kumpadre: "Di ba Pare ang kama ninyo ay 'yong double bed, 'Yong bang box spring na may nakapatong na mattress sa ibabaw?" Mister: "Ganoon nga ang kama namin Pare, Oh - ngayon?" Kumpadre: "Ganito iyon Pare, maglagay ka ng isang gatang na palay sa kama ninyo. Sa pagitan ba ng box spring at mattress pero huwag mong ipaaalam kay Kumare." Mister: "Eh, ano naman ang kinalaman ng palay kung totoo ngang kumakaliwa ang Kumare mo?" Kumpadre: "Pare, iyong palay pag naging bigas..............SIGURADONG MAY BUMAYO." Update Date July 8, 2000
  • BABAE DAW Nagkaroon ng trouble ang airplane at sabi ng piloto "Fasten your seat belt". Isang babae nag-panic at ang sabi: "Ako'y babae, nais kong maranasan ang dapat maranasan ng isang babae bago bumagsak ang eroplanong ito! Mayroon ba sa iyong magpapatunay na ako'y babae?" Tingin ang mga kelot at kinilatis si babae. Medyo may edad at medyo di maganda. Walang nag-voluntir agad. Sigaw ng babae: "Patunayan ninyong ako'y babae!" "Ako!" sigaw ng isang pogi at matchong lalake habang ina-alis niya ang bitones ng kanyan kamisedentro. Nanginig ang babae habang lumalapit ang kelot sa kanya. Tahimik ang lahat... Hinubag ang polo at ini-abot sa babae. Sabe niya sa babae, "Pakiplantsa mo 'to!" Update Date July 14, 2000
  • NAKATIPID Takbong pumasok ng bahay si Mario. Pagud na pagod, pero masayang-masaya. Nagmamayabang pa sa ina. "Nanay! Nanay! Nakatipid ako ng uno singkwenta." "Nakatipid? Paano?" tanong ng nanay. "Aba'y 'di ako sumakay ng dyip. Sumabay lang ako ng takbo. Kaya't nakatipid ako ng one-fifty!" "Bobo ka pala, eh. Kung taxi ang sinabayan mo, 'Di mas malaki ang natipid mo!"
  • Agaw-Buhay Nakaupo sa tabi ng kanyang asawang agaw-buhay si Juan. Hawak hawak niya ang kamay nito at nararamdaman ni Juan na hindi na magtatagal at babawian na ng buhay ang kanyang asawa. "Juan, bago ako mamatay, mayroon akong gustong ipagtapat sa iyo." "Mahal, huwag ka ng magsalita at makakasama pa sa iyo." "Pero Juan, kailangan talagang malaman mo na........" "Sssshhhh, kung ano man iyon ay hindi na mahalaga, ang importante ay nasa tabi mo ako sa huling sandali mo rito sa mundo." "Juan, nais kong ipagtapat sa iyo na pinag-taksilan kita sana ay patawarin mo ako." "Alam ko iyon, kaya nga kita NILASON." Update Date July 22, 2000
  • PINOY POETRY (1) Love is an intention, that goes with affection, with the intent of injection, done in the midsection, in a preferred position, during a private session. (2) Ikaw ba'y nalulungkot, walang makausap at nabubugnot? Ba't di mo subukang umutot. Paligid mo'y babantot. Tanggal ang lungkot, Wala pang bugnot! Update Date July 24, 2000
  • 18 Chinese: I have 4 wives, 1 more and I have a basketball team. American: I have 9 wives, 1 more I have a football team. Pinoy: I have 17 wives, 1 more I have a golf course - 18 holes.
  • KAIBAHAN Ano ang kaibahan ni Prince Charles sa kulangot? Si Prince Charles ay heir to the throne. Ang kulangot ay thrown to the air!
  • LETTER An alcoholic son's letter to his Dad: Beer dad, Gin na 'ko mag-iinom whisky kelan man. Tanduayan mo yan. Your son, Miguel. Update Date July 26, 2000 DUCK DICTIONARY Submitted by Solivar maliit na duck - "panduck" tirahan ng maliit na duck - " Pandacan" mataas na duck - "boonduck" nagulat na duck - "nasinduck" photogenic na duck - "kodak" malaking duck sa Ilocos- "duck-il" madaldal na duck - "dakdak" pantakip sa bibig ng madaldal na duck - "duck tape" manggagamot na duck - "ducktor" musikero na duck - "conducktor" Update Date July 27, 2000
  • Sum Ting Wong's JOB INTERVIEW - new version Submitted by Solivar Sum Ting Wong went for a job interview to be a secretary. When the manager saw Sum Ting Wong's colorful attire and gold & white-highlighted hair, his mind is screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN". Nevertheless, he still had to entertain SumTing Wong. So he told Sum Ting Wong, "If you could form a sentence using the words that I'll give you, then maybe I will give you a chance!. The words are GREEN,PINK, YELLOW,BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK" Sum Ting Wong thought for a while and said: "I hear the phone GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone,I say YELLOW....BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiyah,wrong number, lah.... Don't PURPLEly disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok? Thank You." The Manager fainted. Update Date July 28, 2000
  • LOVE Lovelines through the years 1950s -- Iniirog kita. 1960s -- Iniibig kita. 1970s -- Minamahal kita. 1980s -- I love you. 1990s -- Tara sa kwarto. 2000s -- Pwede na rito.
  • GIRL'S PRAYER Dasal naman ng mga babae: Sa edad na 20 - "Lord, I want the best man." Sa edad na 25 - "Lord, I want a good man." Sa edad na 30 - "Lord, I want any man." Sa edad na 40 - "Lord, please naman..." Update Date July 29, 2000
  • ANONG TAWAG SA .. Q: Maliit na Batya? A: Tansan Q: Maliit na Palanggana? A: Palangganita Q: Maliit na Kutsara? A: Kutsarita Q: Maliit na Aso? A: Tuta Q: Maliit na Pusa? A: Kuting Q: Maliit na Baboy? A: Biik Q: Maliit na Butiki? Hindi ko alam sirit na . . . . A: "BUTIKING MALIIT" Update Date July 30, 2000
  • CAMEL May isang Pinoy sa Saudi maisipang takasan ang kalupitan ng kanyang mga Amo. Sa kagipitan, ipinasya niyang tawirin ang disyerto at humanap ng magandang kapalaran sa Kuwait. Sa kanyang konting ipon, bumili siya ng Camel at gamit sa paglalakbay at dahil di niya alam paluhurin ang Camel para sakyan, nagdala na rin siya ng hagdanan. Ikat'long araw sa paglalakbay sinumpung ang Pinoy ng matinding pangangailangan (Libog). Sawa na siyang magparaos sa pamamagitan ng kanyang kamay kaya ipinasya niyang pagparausan ang Camel (total nasa gitna siya ng disyerto at wala namang makakakita sa kanya). Dahil mataas ang Camel, gumamit siya ng hagdan, ngunit sa tuwing tatangkain niyang 'ipasok' nakikiliti and Camel at humamakbang kaya si Pinoy nahuhulog. Ganoon ng ganoon hanggang sa magsawa ang Pinoy sa pagtatangka at ipinasya niyang magpatuloy sa paglalakbay. Ganoon pa man, hindi matanggal ang kanyang pagnanasa na makaraos sa kanyang pangangailangan. Ika - limang araw sa paglalakbay ng makakakita siya ng napaka-gandang Pinay na hinahabol ng Arabyano. "Tulongan ninyo ako" ang sigaw ng Pinay "gusto nila akong pagsamantalahan at patayin." Si Pinoy pinagbabaril ang mga humahabol at iniligtas ang kababayang Pinay. Ang Pinay nagpapasalamat: "Salamat po at iniligtas ninyo ako, utang ko sa inyo ang aking buhay, at gagawin ko po ang kahit na ano bilang pasasalamat. Ang Pinoy nangangailangan (nalilibugan) pa rin: "Talaga?" "Opo, kahit po ano gagawin ko para sa inyo" Ang Pinoy tumutulo ang laway sa pagnanasa: "Talaga, kahit na ano?" "Opo, kahit po ano" "Kung ganoon, PAKI HAWAKAN MO ANG CAMEL" Update Date July 31, 2000
  • DEPOSIT Teacher: "Pedro, use 'deposit' in a sentence." Pedro: "Easy lang 'yon Ma'm, D' posit is leaking." Teacher: "No, no, no, you got it wrong, let me explain it to you further. You know .....BANK.....DEPOSIT..... see the relationship.... ...BANK .......DEPOSIT.....?" Pedro: "Oh, I got it." (na-intindihan ang ibig sabihin ng teacher) Teacher: "Okey, I'll give you another chance, use 'deposit' in a sentence." Pedro: "D' posit in the bank is leaking." Update Date August 1,2000
  • CITY EXECUTIVE Isang Successful Male Executive sa Makati ang stress na stress sa pamumuhay sa lunsod. Sa trapiko at sa trabajo kaya nagpasya ang Executive na tumira sa malayo sa kabihasnan total mayroon naman siyang konting naitatabi at nagiisa lang naman siya. Nakabili siya ng sakahan sa paanan ng Sierra Madre Mountains at doon nagsaka siya at namuhay na mag-isa na malayo sa kabihasnan. Makaraan ang anim na buwan na walang TV, Telepono, Internet, Sine, Disco at Beer Gardens napag-isip-isip niya na ang buhay sa lunsod ay hindi naman pala gaanong stressful. Nagdadalawang isip siyang bumalik sa lunsod ng may kumatok sa pinto. Nang buksan niya ang pinto ay bumulaga sa kanya ang isang lalaking malaki at matipuno ang pangangatawan. "Magandang araw po, ako po ang kapitbahay ninyo na nakatira sa paanan ng ikat'long bundok mula rito, kaya po ako nasadya ay gusto ko kayong kumbidahin sa 'Party' sa bahay sa Sabado ng gabi." "Aba, magandang idea iyan, anim na buwan na nga akong hindi nakakapunta sa Party. Asahan mo ang pagdalo ko." Paalis ang lalaki ng: "nais ko pong malaman ninyo na mayroon pong inuman" "Okey lang, anim na buwan na nga akong hindi nakakainom eh, asahan mong dadalo ako." Paalis na muli ang lalaki ng: "nais ko rin pong malaman ninyo na maaari rin pong magkaroon ng awayan na nauuwi sa pag-bu-bunuan." "Okey rin, normal lang sa Party ang medyo magulo at anim na buwan na rin akong hindi napapaaway, sanay akong makipagbuno, huwag mo iyong alalahanin at siguradong dadalo ako sa Party." Bago tuluyang umalis: "nais ko rin pong malaman ninyo ng mayroon pong 'wild sex' sa Party." "Lalong okey na okey, anim na buwan na akong walang sex. Ano nga pala ang dapat kong isuot, Formal?, Casual?, Rugged ? . . . . . ." "Kahit na ano puwede, total TAYONG DALAWA LANG NAMAN ANG MAG-PA-PARTY" Update Date August 2,2000
  • ASINTADO DAW Isang hunter mula sa lunsod ang lumuwas sa probinsya upang mag-hunting. Papunta sila sa kagubatan ng kanyang guide at panay ang pagyayabang na siya raw ay asintado at wala pa raw siyang ti-narget na di tinamaan. Pagdating sa kagubatan, agad siyang nakakita ng baboy damo, inasinta . . . binaril . . . sablay. Ang guide nagkakamot ng ulo, "Akala ko po talaga kayong asintado." "Asintado ako talaga, nagkaroon lang ng puwing ang mata ko kaya ako sumablay. Para patunayan ko sa iyo, babarilin ko iyong mga ibon na lumilipad na nakapikit." Ang guide nagdududa, "nakapikit at mapapalagpak nyo?" "Oo, manood ka," Pumikit ang hunter na asintado 'kuno' inumang at pinaputok ang baril, ng magmulat siya ng mata hinanap niya ang ibon na bumagsak. "Aba, pambihira pala ang mga ibon dito sa inyo, PATAY NA LUMILIPAD PA." Update Date August 3,2000
  • SUKO NA Si Pedro at si Juan ay nagtatalo. Usapang maginoo, napagkasunduan nila na para matapos na ang pagtatalo nila, daanin na lang sa suntukan. Kung sino man ang matalo ay aamin na siya ang mali. Napagkayarian din nila na kung sino ang suko na ay magsabi lang ng 'tama na' para matigil ang suntukan at tanggapin ang pagkatalo. Nang magsuntukan na ang dalawa, napaibabawan ni Pedro si Juan at walang tigil niya itong pinagsusuntok sa mukha, si Juan sumuko at sumigaw ang paulit-ulit "TAMA NA, TAMA NA." Ngunit si Pedro tuloy pa rin ang pagsuntok sa mukha ni Juan na ginawa niyang 'punching bag'. Inawat sila ng nanonood at tinanong si Pedro kung naririnig ba niya ang sigaw ni Juan na TAMA NA, TAMA NA. Sagot ni Pedro: "Oo naririnig ko, pero hindi ako naniniwala, sinungaling iyang si Juan." Update Date August 4,2000
  • TAGALOG CLASS Teacher: O.k. class, today we will be translating english to tagalog. Who would like to go first? Student 1: I will go first mam. Teacher: I want you to translate "I have a blue book" in tagalog. Student 1: That's easy mam. "Meron akong Libro na asul." Teacher: That's very good. O.k., who would like to go next? Student 2: Ako po mam, me, me, right here, I want to go next. Teacher: O.k, o.k. I want you to translate guy, mother, father, and you, and put in a sentence. Student 2: Yon lang pala eh, madali lang yan. "Guy" is Ma, "Mother" is mama, "Father" is Tay, "You" is Ka. Teacher: That's good! O.k., now put it in a sentence. Student 2: No problem! Mam, "Ma-Mama-Tay-Ka". Update Date August 7,2000
  • WHAT YOU REALLY MEAN When you say: "Ako ang tigas sa amin." You really mean: "Ako ang tigas-saing ng kanin, tigas-sampay ng labada at tigas-sundo sa eskuwela ng mga bata." When you say: "Gagawin ko kahit ayaw ng misis ko." You really mean: "Gagawin kong maghugas ng pinggan kung ayaw niya, gagawin kong maglaba kung ayaw niya." When you say: "Kapag sinabi kong hiwalay, HIWALAY!" You really mean: "Hiniwalay ko na ang puti sa de-kolor at baka kumupas ang labada." When you say: "Lahat ng utos ko ay pasigaw." You really mean: "Hoy bilisan mo naman iyang kape at niniginaw na ako dito sa labahan!" When you say: "Ako ang laging nasusunod!" You really mean: "Oo, dear susunod na ako sa iyo sa palengke." When you say: "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang salita!" You really mean: "Honey, huwag mo na akong batukan at masakit!" When you say: "Inaabot siya sa akin ng mura!" You really mean: "'Ling naman, mura lang naman iyong sapatos na bibilhin ko!" When you say: "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang tingin! "You really mean: "Hon, patingin naman ng periodiko pagkatapos mong basahin." When you say: "Kaya ko siyang paluhurin!" You really mean: "Paluhod niyang sinabing 'Hoy duwag, lumabas ka riyan sa ilalim ng kama kungdi tatamaan ka sa akin!'" When you say: "Hindi niya ako kayang paglabahin!" You really mean: "Hindi puede kasi hindi pa ako tapos mamalantsa Update Date August 8,2000
  • WOMAN'S PRAYER Submitted by gg522 of Dallas, TX Sa edad na 50 - "Lord, please, please kaya ko pa..." Sa edad na 60 - "Lord, please, nakikiusap na ako..." Sa edad na 70 - "Lord, Forget it..ayaw ko na..." Sa edad na 80 - "Lord, Wala ng pag-asa..." Sa edad na 90 - "Lord, see you na lang..."
  • COFFEE PLEASE In the Old Navy (U.S. Navy), a steward is serving coffee to Officers in the wardroom: Coffee Sir? Sanka . . . . Tuguigarao Sir Update Date August 9,2000
  • MGA TRABAHO Nagkita ang magkumpadre na matagal na ring di nagkikita: "Pare saan ka nag - tra- trabaho ngayon?" "IBM, Pare", ang sagot." "IBM eh, wala ka namang computer background ah?" "Istambay Buong Maghapon." "Eh ikaw Pare anong trabaho mo ngayon?" "Chemist, Pare" "Chemist, paanong nangyari 'yon eh, di ka naman nag-college?" "Ke Misis umaasa, Pare." Update Date August 11,2000
  • BAGONG SALTA SA MANHATTAN Bagong salta sa Manhattan sa New York si Pepot galing sa isang maliit na barrio sa Pilipinas. Manghang mangha si Pepot sa laki at ganda at sa dami ng modernong mga kagamitan sa Amerika. Isang araw, naisipan ni Pepot na bisitahin ang kaniyang kaibigan na matagal na Amerika na nagoopisina sa Manhattan. "Wow!" 'ika ni Pepot ng makita niya yung "lobby" ng "building" kung nasaan ang kaibigan niya. "Napakaganda at modernong moderno ang 'building' na ito," sabi ni Pepot sa sarili niya. Nakipila si Pepot sa mga sasakay sa "elevator" at nung bumukas ang pinto, sumama si Pepot sa mga nagsipasok. Hinahanap ni Pepot sa mga "buttons" sa "elevator" upang pindutin ang 8th Floor. Nung makita niya yung "button" na nakalagdang "8", hindi niya napansin na isa sa mga sumakay na kasama niya ang nakapindot na ng button na "8". Biglang umilaw ang button na "8" habang tinitingnan niya. "Wow!, " sa loob loobin ni Pepot, "talaga namang napakagaling dito sa Amerika. Iniisip mo pa lang na pindutin yung button, e, umilaw na agad! Tapos, nagsasalita pa yung elevator kung nasaang floor siya!. Iba talaga dito sa Amerika!" Nakabisita na si Pepot sa kaibigan at pagkatapos mananghalian kasama ng kaibigan ay sumakay na siya sa isang MetroBus na pauwi sa kanila. Napansin ni Pepot na may lumalabas na usok sa napakaraming mga "manholes" at mga "drainage holes" sa mga kalsada ng Manhattan. Wika ni Pepot sa sarili niya, "Napakagaling talaga dito sa Amerika. Akalain mo, pati sa ilalim ng kalsada ay nakakapagsiga sila!" Napansin rin ni Pepot na tuwing humihinto yung kaniyang MetroBus, may binibigkas na mga pangalan ang "driver" ng MetroBus. Lumakad ang Bus, tapos huminto. Malakas na sumigaw 'yung driver, "ROOSEVELT!". Apat na pasahero ang nagtindigan, pumunta sa likod ng Bus at pagkahinto ng Bus ay lumisan. Lumakad na naman yung Bus, tapos huminto ulit. Malakas na namang sumigaw yung "driver", "KENNEDY!". Walong pasahero ang nagtindigan, pumunta sa likod ng Bus at pagkahinto ng Bus ay lumisan. Lumakad na naman yung Bus, tapos huminto ulit. Malakas na namang sumigaw yung "driver", "GRANT!". Isang pasahero ang tumindig, pumunta sa likod ng Bus at pagkahinto ng Bus ay lumisan. Tuloy ang biyahe ng Bus ni Pepot na parehong ganoong ganoon ang nagaganap. Wika ni Pepot sa sarili niya, "Napakagaling talaga dito sa Amerika. Hindi lang alam ng driver ng bus kung saan ang mga tao nakatira, alam pati niya ang mga pangalan ng mga pasahero niya!" Tuloy na naman ang biyahe ng Bus ni Pepot at pareho pa ring ganoon ang nagaganap. Pagkaraan ng isang oras, napansin ni Pepot, na wala ng ibang pasahero sa Bus kundi ang sarili niya. Napansin rin niya na palapit na ang kaniyang "bus stop" ngunit mabilis pa ang takbo ng bus niya at hindi pa natatawag ang pangalan niya. Nagmadaling lumapit si Pepot sa "bus driver". Lumingon yung "bus driver" nung katabi na niya si Pepot. Biglang sumigaw yung "bus driver", "Please step behind the white line! Whaddya want?" Sagot ni Pepot, "Sir, MACAPAGAL, sir!" Update Date August 14,2000
  • MASAKIT Isang magandang dalaga ang nagpunta sa doctor upang magpagamot. "Doc, masyado pong masakit ang boung katawan ko." "Hmmmmnnn, boung katawan? be more specific." Bahagyang diniinan ng dalaga ng kanyang hintuturo ang kanyang tuhod, at siya ay namilipit sa sakit, halos di pa nakakanti ng kanyang hintuturo ang kanyang siko ng ituro niya ito sa Doctor at siya ay mapapaiyak sa matinding sakit, ganoon din ang resulta ng ituro niya kanyang ulo, kamay, mukha, paa at iba pang bahagi ng kanyang katawan. "Doc, baka po kaya mayroon na akong AIDS, O kaya nakulam ako?" "Kung hindi ka ba naman sira. Eh, BALI ang hintuturo mo." Update Date August 17,2000
  • OLD CHINESE IN DEATH BED "Akyen junior 'ndyan ba?" "Dito po!" "Akyen panganay 'ndyan ba?" "Dito po!" "Akyen daughter 'ndyan ba?" "Dito po!" "Akyen asawa 'ndyan ba?" "Dito din po!" "Walahiya! Dito kayo lahat! Wala tao tindahan!" Dying Chinese: "Ako lapit na patay. Ikaw sabi totoo kung sino ama ng bunso natin kasi pangit siya kumpala sa 9 kapatid niya." Wife: "Huwag ka galit siya lang tunay mo anak!" Update Date August 21,2000 Submitted by Pepe
  • SI INAY Dalawa lang silang mag-ina sa Amerika at hinihintay nila ang pag dating ng pamilya nila. Pero unfortunately while they were waiting, the mother died. The family in the Philippines wants their mom to be buried back home pero it was so expensive. Pero dahil majority of the family wants it that way, walang choice ang anak dito sa States kung hindi sundin ang mga nakakatanda sa kanya. Dahil nga very expensive, she decided to just remain in the States and ship the coffin unaccompanied.. Ng dumating na sa Pilipinas ang kanilang ina, may napansin ang pamilya na hindi maganda. Ang mukha at katawan ng inay nila ay dikit na dikit na sa salamin ng kabaong. Sabi tuloy ng isa, "Ay tingnan mo yan, hindi sila marunong mag asikaso ng patay sa Amerika". To cut the story short they prepared the coffin for viewing. Pag bukas ng takip (salamin) ng coffin, may napansin silang sulat sa baba ng dibdib ng kanilang inay. Dahan-dahan kinuha at nangi-nginig na binukasan ni Kuya (panganay na anak) ang sulat at binasa sa lahat ng buong pamilya. Ang nilalaman ng sulat ay ito: "Mahal Kong mga Kapatid, Hayan na si Inay!!! Pasyensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang inay sa pag-uwi diyan sa Pilipinas sa dahilan na napaka-mahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko na nga lang sa kanya ay kulang-kulang sa sampung libo (kabaong at shipment). Ayoko ng isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, pinadala ko kasama ni inay ang: - dalawampu't apat na karne norte na nasa likod ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo. - anim na bagong labas na Reebok sneakers...isa suo-suot ni Ninay...and lima nasa ulunan ni Inay...isa-isa na kayo riyan. - iba't ibang klaseng tsokokate, nasa puwit ni Inay...maghati-hati na kayong lahat... - anim na Ralph Lauren na t-shirts suot-suot ni Inay...para sa iyo, Kuya, at isa-isa ang mga pamangkin ko. - isang dosenang Wonderbra na gustong-gusto ninyo, mga kapatid ko, suot suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo riyan. - dalawang dosenang Victoria Secret na panties na inaasam-asam ninyo, suot-suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na rin kayo, Ate...... - walong Dockers na pantalon suot-suot din ni Nanay...Kuya, Diko, isa-isa na kayo, at mga pamangkin ko. - ang Rolex na hinahabilin mo, Kuya, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na. - ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas na gustong-gusto mo, Ate, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na. - mga Chanel na medyas, suot suot din ni Inay. Tig-i tig-isa na kayo at mga pamangkin ko. Bahala na kayo kay Inay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya dito. Balitaan niyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Nagmamahal na kapatid, Nene Update Date August 25,2000 Submitted by gg522 of Forth Worth, TX
  • TANONG AT SAGOT Q: Ano ang sabi ng bangus nang mamamatay na siya? A: I'm daing! Q: Ano ang sabi ng isda nang hiwain siya sa gitna? A: I'm tuna (two na). Q: Ano ang tawag kapag sinuot mo ang kanang sapatos sa kaliwang paa at ang kaliwang sapatos sa kanang paa? A: Malicious (mali shoes). Q: Ano ang sinabi ni Satanas nang ipanganak AKO? A: "Lintek! Isa na namang anghel ang ipinanganak." Q: Ano naman ang sinabi niya nang ipanganak KA? A: "Oh, no! Hindi puwede ito! Ayoko pang mag-retire!" Q: Sino ang unang arkitekto? A: Si Eba, kasi siya ang unang nagpatayo. Q: Sino ang unang estudyante? A: Si Adan, kasi siya ang unang pumasok. Q: Paano gumawa ng gloves sa China? A: Sinasawsaw ng mga Intsik ang kanilang mga kamay sa latex, maglalakad-lakad hanggang matuyo at aalisin nila, pagkatapos ay gloves na. Q: Paano sila gumawa ng condom? A: Ganoon din. Q: Anong sasabihin mo kapag may nakasalubong ka ng isang multong may tatlong ulo? A: Magandang gabi, magandang gabi, magandang gabi. Q: Anong English word ang nag-uumpisa sa F at nagtatapos sa K at parang pagkain na rin ang iisipin mo? A: Fork, ano pa ba? Q: Ano ang pagkakatulad ng sex at insurance? A: Habang tumatanda ka, tumataas ang presyo. Q: Bakit mas matataba ang mga may asawang lalaki kaysa sa mga walang asawang lalaki? A: Kasi ang mga walang asawang lalaki, pag-uwi, titingnan ang laman ng ref niya at kapag walang nakita, humihiga na lang sa kama para matulog. Ang may asawa, pag-uwi, titingnan ang kama at makikita ang misis nila, pumupunta na lang sa kusina para buksan ang ref nila. Q: Paano mo malalaman ang kasarian ng cell phone? A: Kapag may nakalawit na antenna, lalaki 'yun. Kapag wala, siguradong babae ang cell phone. Q: Ano ang pinagkaiba ng lalaking tumataya sa lotto at ang lalaking nakikipag-away sa misis niya. A: Mas malaki ang tsansa ng lalaking manalo sa lotto kaysa sa pakikipag-away sa misis niya. Q: Paano mo makikilala ang mga head nurse sa hospital? A: Sila 'yung puro may sugat sa tuhod. Q: Kailan tumatayo ang kanibal mula sa hapag kainan? A: Kapag nakain nang lahat ang kasamahan. Q: Ano ang pagkakatulad ni Winnie the Pooh at John the Baptist? A: Iisa ang ina nila. Kita mo, iisa ang middle name nila. Q: What's the difference between a kiss, a car, and a monkey? A: A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear, a monkey is you my dear. Q: What's the difference between Prince William and a Honda Civic? A: Prince William is a Tudor while a Civic is a Sedan. Q: What will happen to a wooden car with a wooden wheel and a wooden engine? A: It wooden start. Update Date Sept. 5,2000 Submitted by gg522 of Forth Worth, TX
  • SPIELBERG AND A PINOY A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the Pinoy sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Pinoy crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the director. Picking himself up, he yelled, "Wat da hell is dat por?" Spielberg ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!" #@@!!##! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Pilifino!" exclaimed the Pinoy. The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino ...you're all the same!" Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants, straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender. After a few sips, the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick, sending the director flying halfway across the room. "What was that for?!!" shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet away. "Dat's por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!" the Pinoy answered back. "You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!" exclaimed the director. "Yah yah yah...Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg... you are all the same . . .... also!" Update Date Sept. 7,2000
  • TRIVIA Q: Bakit naman shy ang toes? A: Kasi "foot-ang-ina" niya. Update Date Sept. 11,2000
  • CORNY PINOY LOVE NOTES You're like my kulangot...because You're hard to get. You're like my kuto...I can't get you outta my head. You're like my pustiso...I can't smile without you. You're like a suppository...you bring out what's bad in me. You're like a yosi vendor...you give me HOPE and MORE. You're like ovalteens...I just can't get enough. You're like my bra...salo salo mo ang dibdib ko. You're like my shoes...You're always there, wherever I go. When I am with you, I feel like matatae...because you make me kilig to the bones. You're like constipation...you take my breath away. You're like my sweat...you relieve me when I'm hot. You're like extelcom...you never stop caring about me (must be a P.I. thing). You're like SM...because you've got it all (must be a P.I. thing). Hindi ka pa ba napapagod? Kasi kanina ka pa tumatakbo sa isipan ko. Nawawala ang puso ko,. Paki check mo nga kung nasa pocket mo! You're like a balikbayan box...because I get excited when you arrive. I'll see you in court...dahil ninakaw mo ang aking puso. You're like a jingle joke...you bring the corny out of me. Update Date Sept. 13,2000
  • CARABAO ENGLISH EXCERPTS FROM ENGLISH-FILIPINO DICTIONARY: ASPECT: pantusok / pandurog ng yelo CITY: bago mag-ocho DEDUCT: ang bibe DEFEAT: ang paa DEPOSIT: ang gripo DETAIL: ang buntot DEVASTATION: istasyon ng bus EFFORT: kung saan nagla-landing ang erflane MELT: ngamit mantali sa mewang mara indi maulog ang mantalon PERSUADING: unang kasal DEPRESS: ang nagkasal sa persuading PREDICATE: pakawalan mo ang pusa PROTESTANT: tindahan ng prutas STATUE: ikaw ba 'yan? Update Date Sept. 15,2000
  • MORE CARABAO ENGLISH Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX 1. Tenacious - Bepor you go out, put your tenacious on. 2. Deposit - Call da plahmer, deposit is leaking! 3. Splat - Oh my goodness, my tire splat! 4. Associate - When I went to da bathroom, associate in da toilet so I plashed it. 5. Hostess - When da pone rings, I ask hostess? 6. Beef Stew - My beeper beeps, does yours beef stew? 7. Persuading - This month will be my cousins persuading anniversary. 8. Depressed - Depressed is da one who leads mass on Sundays. 9. Deficit - Bepore eyou jahmp in da pool, check how deficit. 10. Penis - Bepre eyou go out and play, penis your homework! 11. Statue - Oy, Pedro...statue? 12. Uno, Dos, Tres - Uno! dos tres are burning! 13. Candidate - I ordered too much pood, I think I canididate! 14. Chicken Nut Bread - My sister can't swim, when she jahmps in da water chicken nut bread. Update Date Sept. 18,2000
  • ANG LORO Tuwang-tuwa at parating pinagmamalaki nung Monsignor yung kaniyang alagang loro. Wika nung Monsignor, "Itong aking loro ay hindi lang napakagaling magsalita kundi napakabanal pa! Kapag aking hinigit yung kadena sa kaniyang kaliwang paa, siya'y magsasalita ng buong dasal ng Ama Namin. Kapag akin namang hinigit yung kadena sa kaniyang kanang paa,siya'y magsasalita ng buong dasal ng Aba Ginoong Maria." Tanong nung isang aleng nakikinig, "Monsignor, kung sabay mong hatakin yung kadena sa kaniyang magkabilang paa, ano ang kaniyang isasalita?" Sagot nung Monsignor, "Sapagkat hindi ko pa naisipang gawin yang itinatanong mo, purbahan natin ngayon!" at sabay na hinatak nung Monsignor ang kadena sa magkabilang paa nung loro. Biglang nagsalita yung loro... "Tangna naman, Padre, mahuhulog ako diyan sa ginagawa mong 'yan, eh! Update Date Sept. 20,2000 Submitted by Pepe.
  • TSIMAY STORY SENORITA: Inday, magluto ka ng marami mamaya. Dadating ang mga amiga ko. INDAY : Yes mam! Ano'ng klase ng luto ang gusto n'yo, Yung babalik pa sila uli o hindi na!
  • FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! ARTIST:For the sake of arts,huwag mong pipintasan itong painting ko! CRITIC: For the sake of humanity, huwag mo nang i-display 'yang painting mo! Update Date Sept. 21,2000 Submitted by Pepe.
  • FASCINATE A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Maria said, "My family went to the Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "`fascinate.`" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Magic Kingdom. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word fascinate.`" Mario raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Mario was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Mario said, "My sister has a new sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8." Update Date Sept. 25,2000 Submitted by Pepe.
  • FRANK Kahit hirap mag-englis, panay pa rin ang ligaw ni Alfredo sa isang Amerikana: KANA: I like men who are frank. ALFREDO: My name is Alfredo, not frank.
  • TORPE MONA: Pambihira talaga ang bf ko. MIA: Bakit naman? MONA: Sakay kami ng kotse. Nasa Ortigas na kami nang tanungin niya ako kung saan kami dapat pumunta. Ang sabi ko ay kahit saan kami makarating. MIA: (Kinikilig) Naku, anong nangyari? MONA: Well..pinaandar niya ang kotse, nakapasyal ako ng Laguna di oras. Update Date Sept. 26,2000 Submitted by Pepe.
  • KKB Pagkatapos nang date nila, inihatid ni Tony si Tess anticipating a goodnight kiss. TONY: Salamat sa date,ha? Sana maulit. TESS: Okey lang, pero since Dutch treat tayo buong gabi, you kiss yourself and i'll kiss myself goodnight. Update Date Sept. 28,2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • MANNER OF SPEAKING Speaking Japanese Tanong: ano sa hapon ang 'itatama ko ang pagkakamaling ito?' Sagot: KO-KOREK-KO-TO Tanong: Ano sa japanese ang nakabili ng mura! Sagot: eh! di! Nakamura Kengkay: how do you say skinny in japanese? Menggay: i don't know... Kengkay: eh di, purobuto! Speaking French city- ce vou drugs- sha vou goodbye- va vou bald- cal vou caught in the act- na vou cou feathers- valahe vou not clear- mala vou sink- lava vou erap- vou vou Update Date Oct.2, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • MAMAMANGKA May isang mamamangka, negro, at americana. Paano sila tatawid sa kabilang isla kung ang bangka ay kaya lang magdala nang dalawang tao? Paano sila tatawid sa kabilang isla? Sagot: Papasakayin ang negro sa bangka tapos isusuot nang mamamangka ang americana. Update Date Oct.3, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • ANO? Ano ang gagawin mo sa isang taong unconscious? SAGOT: Titigan mo para ma-conscious. Tanong: Anong tawag sa chinese na lumpo? Sagot: eh! di! lumpongshanghai Update Date Oct.4, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • ANO ANG TAWAG Ano and tawag sa... maliit na duck - "panduck" tirahan ng maliit na duck- "Pandacan" mataas na duck - "boonduck" nagulat na duck - "nasinduck" photogenic na duck - "kodak" malaking duck sa Ilocos- "duck-il" madaldal na duck - "dakdak" pantakip sa bibig ng madaldal na duck-"duck-tape" manggagamot na duck- "ducktor" musikero na duck- "conducktor" bayaning duck - "duckila" Update Date Oct.6, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • USE IN A SENTENCE SPANISH TEACHER: Ok class, use "puera" in a sentence. STUDENT: Mi maestra es muy bonita. TEACHER: That's very flattering but where is the word "puera"? STUDENT: Puera ka! Update Date Oct.9, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • CITIZENSHIP A Filipino lady was taking the exam for US naturalization and citizenship. She aced the test. The examiner said, "Now, the last part of the exam is a vocabulary test. Can you spell the word 'Window?'" The lady said, "W-I-N-D-O-W." "Ah, very good," the examiner said, "Now, use it in a sentence." "WINDOW I get my citizenship papers?" Update Date Oct.10, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • FLY FLY ASIAN SPIRITS! You fly as asians, you land as spirits! FLY CEBU PACIFIC! You depart from Cebu, you arrive at the PACIFIC ocean! Update Date Oct.12, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • MAN ASKING GOD Man: God how long is a million years 2 u? God: A second. Man: How much is $1 million to u? God: A cent. Man: Can I have a cent? God: Just a second............ Update Date Oct.13, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • IMELDA MARCOS' PRAYER Armani, Which art in Hermes, Hallowed be thy Gucci. Thy Cartier watch, Thy Prada bag, On Rodeo, As it is in Tiffany's. Give us this day, our Visa Titanium And forgive us this overdraft, As we forgive those who decline our Mastercard. Lead us not into JC Penney, And deliver us from Sears. For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier, and the Versace, For Dolce and Gabbana... Amex.
  • ONLY IF If only ADAM & EVE were Asians, they would not have committed the original sin. Kakanin nila ang ahas at ibebenta na lang ang mansanas. Update Date Oct.16, 2000 Submitted by Pepe. MORE PINOY ENGLISH: ICE BUKO - Nagpagupit ako kanina, tingnan mo nga, ice buko? PERSUADING - Kiko and Kikay got married on June 1, 1992. So last June 1, 1993, they are going to celebrate their persuading anniversary. DEVASTATION - I wait for the bus at devastation every morning. CONCLUSION and OPINION - (Pointing to a door): Conclusion, hindi opinion. Update Date Oct.18, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • SINAMPAL Wife sinampal ang asawa. Wife: Sino si Jasmine sa panaginip mo? Husband: Yung kabayong bet ko sa karera! NEXT DAY...sinampal ulit. Husband: baket? Wife: Tumawag ang kabayo mo! Update Date Oct.19, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • MAGANDA Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga anak mo! Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa ko lang ang inasahan ko hindi sana mangyayari yan!
  • BAGO A newcomer in hell complaining to satan that the girls there are beautiful pero 'walang butas'. Satan replied: Pag may butas yan e di nasa langit ka na! Update Date Oct.20, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • BAKIT Baket kapag nalalaglag ang TINIDOR may LALAKI daw na darating at kung KUTSARA ay BABAE? SAGOT: Kase ang lalaki nanunusok...ang babae nanunubo!
  • AYOKO NA Ayoko nang magpakasal sa iyo, Dahil pag kasal na tayo, dapat kong gamitin ang sa iyo. Hindi ko kaya,masyadong mahaba, mahihirapan ako. Ngawit at ngalay na ang kamay ko, hindi pa tapos ang ipagagawa mo. Mantakin mo... Garchitorina de Misericordia y Aguardecimiento, sobrang haba ng apelyido mo! Update Date Oct.23, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • CONDOM WOMAN IN A DRUG STORE: Meron kayong Extra Large condoms? PHARMACIST: Meron, bibili ka? WOMAN: Hindi muna, intay lang muna ko ng lalaki na bibili.
  • PAHABAAN NG BUHAY Boy1: Lahi namin ang mahabang buhay, lolo ko namatay 88 years old na. Boy2: Ako Lolo ko namatay 98 years old. Boy3: Ala yan! Lolo ko sobrang tanda PINATAY na lang namin. Update Date Oct.24, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • DUDA DENTIST: Hiwalay na tayo. Nagdududa na ang Mister mo. BABAE: But I love you. DENTIST: Sorry, sweetheart, ubos nang "alibi" mo. Isang NGIPIN na lang ang natitira sa iyo!
  • PILLS BF: Hon, di ako makatulog pwede ba tayong mag-sex? GF: Hindi pwede! anong palagay mo nung sa kin--sleeping pills? Update Date Oct.30, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • BATANGUENYO Noong unang panahon may tatlong magkakaibigan na nagpunta sa kabundukan ng Mt. Makiling upang mag-hunting. Isang tiga-Maynila, isang tiga-Bikol at isang tiga-Batangas. Sa paghahanap nila ng mababaril na usa at baboy-damo napasuot sila sa isang tribo ng mga katutubo. Sila ay hinuli at iniharap sa pinaka-hari ng tribo. Hinatulan sila ng kamatayan sa pamamagitan ng pagpugot ng kanilang ulo kung hindi masisiyahan sa kanilang mga sagot sa anumang itatanong ng anak na prinsesa ng hari. Unang tinanong ang Manila boy: Princesa : "Anong tawag mo rito? sabay turo sa pisngi ng princesa. Manila Boy : "Mahal na princesa ang tawag po namin diyan ay 'Pisngi'". Hindi nasiyahan ang princesa kaya pinugutan ng ulo si Manila Boy. Sumunod na tinanong ang Bikolano... Princesa: "Ikaw ginoo, anong tawag mo rito? sabay turo sa mukha. Ilokano : "Mukha" po mahal na princesa ang tawag po namin diyan". Hindi rin nasiyahan ang princesa. Pugot ulo rin si Bikolano. Takot na takot na si Batanguenyo pero sumagot siya nang tanungin ng princesa: Princesa : "Ikaw ginoo, anong tawag mo rito?" Sagot : "Ang tawag po namin diyan sa Batangas mahal na Princesa ay "dambana ng tuwa, galak at pag-galang". Princesa : "ipaliwanag mo ang iyong kasagutan, ginoo". Sagot : "Kasi sa amin po pag kami ay natuwa, nagalak o kaya ay gumalang, kami po ay humahalik diyan". Princesa: sabay turo sa dibdib/suso "anong tawag mo rito?" Sagot : "Mahal na princesa, tawag po namin diyan ay "bukal ng buhay at kalusugan, kasi diyan po umiinom ang mga bata upang mabuhay at maging malusog". Princesa: sabay turo sa bandang sikmura/tiyan, "anong tawag mo rito?" Sagot : "bartolina po, kasi siyam na buwan nakukulong ang aming mga anak diyan" Princesa: anong tawag mo rito? sabay taas ng palda at itinuro ang ari na walang suot na panty (hindi pa uso noon). Sagot : sabay luhod at nag-antada ng kuros , mahal na princesa, tawag po namin diyan ay "ALTAR NG DALANGINAN" kasi diyan po namin itinitirik ang aming mga kandila! Nasiyahan ng husto ang Princesa. Pinalaya si Mr. Batangas. Update Date Oct.31, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • MULAN Know the movie "MULAN?" Part four na yon! First episode nun "Mulog," then "Midlat," Tapos "Mambon," saka palang.... "Mulan" Coming soon na ang "Magyo," Next ang "Maha," finally "Maraw".
  • INGAT Sabi nila nauubos na raw ang mga puno, isda at ibon sa mundo. Ang masakit pa rito ay dahan-dahan daw namamatay ang mga unggoy. Kaya naalala agad kita... ingat ka ha? Update Date Nov.1, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • CRUSH If you were my CRUSH I would admire you If you were my FRIEND I would treasure you If you were ME, grabe mag artista ka na, Sayang ka!
  • WHEN When I was lost you were there, When I was down you were there. When I was heartbroken you were there. When I got really sick you were there. ABA, hindi kaya ikaw ang malas sa buhay ko? Update Date Nov.6, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Hi friends! I'm sure you'll notice the similarity of Tagalog with the Malay language. Read on...... ANGMOH IN KUALA LUMPUR One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs, he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one. When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance. When he was about to enter the toilet, the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok"). The Ang Moh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to "see the cock" before entering the toilet? So he said "no" but the lady insisted. Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her The lady said "No! No!", "Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay), but the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said "Do it! Do it!" So he asked, "Now? Here ?" The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand English. The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and made love to her. The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay), and the Ang Moh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!" He said "OK! I will suck it for you" and took both breasts and suck them. The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay). The Ang Moh misunderstood again. "Too HARD? OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit," the Ang Moh replied. Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, "TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!" ( Help! Help! Chinese! in Malay ) The Ang Moh replied, "Not too long, just 6 inches only." Update Date Nov.8, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • ANO ANG Anong saging ang mataba? SABA Anong saging ang maliit? SEÑORITA Yung sinusubo pati balat?.. starts with a T? sirit na? Esep..esep..! Ano pa eh di TURON!!! Huwag esepsama! Update Date Nov.13, 2000 Submitted by Pepe.
  • NAGBAGO NA Nagbalikbayan ang mister ni Mona: MONA: Honey, ang mga sigarilyo ba'y para sa kamag-anak natin? RAMON: OO. Hindi na ako naninigarilyo, nagbago na ako. MONA: Itong mga alak, sa kamag-anak rin natin? RAMON: Oo, hindi na ako umiinom, nagbago na ako. MONA: Siguro itong make-up kits para sa akin. RAMON: Hoy bruha, para sa akin 'yan. Di ba sabi ko, nagbago na akwo. Update Date Nov.15, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • ANG BULAG Isang bulag ang pumasok sa isang maliit na restaurant. Sinalubong siya ng waiter at wala sa isip na nagbigay ng menu. Hindi mo ba napansing bulag ako? Bigyan mo na lang ako ng mga gamit na tinidor at nang malaman ko kung ano ang kakainin ko! bulyaw ng bulag. Hindi na nagtanong ang nalilitong waiter at kumuha ng dalawang tinidor na hindi pa hugas at binigay sa bulag. Inamoy ng bulag ang una. Fried chicken!Hindi ako kumakain ng fried chicken, sabi ng bulag pagkaamoy ng unang tinidor at inamoy naman ang ikalawang tinidor. Eto, meatloaf, bigyan mo ako niyan. Namangha ang waiter at dumiretso ito sa kusina para kausapin ang cook na si Maria. Ang galing noong bulag, oh, amoy pa lang alam na niya ang oorderin niya, magluto ka nga ng meatloaf, kuwento ng waiter kay Maria. Nagluto si Maria ng meatloaf at ibinigay sa bulag. Nasarapan ang customer kaya nagbigay ito ng malaking tip. Kinabukasan, bumalik ang bulag at nagbigay na naman ng dalawang tinidor ang waiter para ipaamoy rito. Ito, gusto ko ng porkchop, sabi ng bulag pagkaamoy pa lang ng unang tinidor. Sa ikatlong araw, umamoy na naman ang bulag ng dalawang tinidor. Hindi ako kumakain ng hamburger. Ito namang isa, meatloaf ulit. Wala na bang bago? reklamo ng bulag. Teka lang ho, sabi ng waiter sabay labas.Kumuha ng malinis na tinidor ang waiter at pinahid sa loob ng panty ni Maria para paglaruan ang customer. Subukan n'yo po ito, sabi ng waiter na iniabot ang tinidor na pinunas sa panty ni Maria. Aba!, gulat na sabi ng bulag. Dito na ba nagtratrabaho si Maria? Update Date Nov.20, 2000
  • HOW DO YOU KNOW How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog? Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it. If the cat likes it....rat, if it doesn't...cat, if it runs...dog! Update Date Nov.22, 2000
  • MGA TANONG How does a pickpocket fall in love? At purse sight. Anong tawag sa sakit ng baboy? Pig-sa. Eh ano ang gamot sa pigsa? EEh di oink-ment! Update Date Nov.27, 2000 Submitted by Pepe and Pilar. Ano ang dapat gawin kung tinatamad kang magtrabaho? Huwag aabsent. Huwag male-late. Pagkaupo mo sa iyong lamesa, buksan isa-isa ang drawer at magkalkal. Kunwari ay may hinahanap. Pagkatapos mong magkalkal, tumayo ka at tunguhin ang mga filing cabinet. Maghanap ka ng ipis. Kung wala kang mahanap, tingnan mo ang iyong incoming & outgoing tray. Kalkalin at maghanap ng mga natira sa iyong mga kinutkot kahapon. Huwag kakainin muli. Labag sa kagandahang asal. Kung naglalaway ka sa mga iyon ay kunin mo ang nagamit mong tissue paper na nailagay mo sa iyong front drawer at ipunas sa laway mo. Pagkatapos ay ilagay muli sa drawer. Maaari mo pang magamit iyon bukas. Malaking katipiran sa iyo. Kung biglang dumating ang iyong boss, hawakan kaagad ang telepono at magsalita. Kunwari ay tinatanong ka ng iyong kausap tungkol sa mga dokumento. Sumagot ka ng "Oh! I am sorry but I will bring that to your office immediately." Kumuha kaagad ng kahit anong folder at magpaalam ng maayos at buong giliw sa iyong boss. Lumabas ng nagmamadali. Pumunta ka sa CR. Magsuklay. Tingnan mabuti ang sarili. Mag-retouch kung babae. Tingnan kung baligtad ang underwear na naisuot at kung lalaki, maghilamos at basain ng konti ang buhok. Magtiris ng mga taghiyawat. Magtagal ng mga limang minuto. Pagkabalik mo sa iyong opisina, buksan ang computer. Hintaying matapos ang Auto Scan. Marami ring minuto ang magugugol dito. Magbukas ng isang file... Isa pa... at isa pa uli...!!! Pumunta sa ccmail, tingnan ang inbox kung may hindi pa nababasa. Magbasa. Kunwari ay bagong pasok ka lamang sa Grade One. Pagkatapos ay kunin ang mga dapat gawing report. Titigang mabuti. Pag-aralan ang klase ng papel na ginamit. Bilangin kung ilang words ang nagamit. Kung may tumawag sa telepono, kaagad sagutin. Huwag mong hayaang ibaba kaagad ng kausap. Kumustahin. Tanungin tungkol sa mga National Issues katulad ng tungkol sa mga jokes kay Erap o kaya ang pagkamatay ni Princess Di. Kumustahin din ang latest style ng kanyang damit pati na kung saan nagpapa-manicure at pedicure. Huwag lalagpas ng isang oras ang pakikipag-usap. Magagalit ang iyong boss. Kung may report na tatapusin, tapusin ng eksakto sa deadline hour. Kung may ita-type, magtype ng 10 wpm. Tunguhin ang mga file na inipon sa loob ng ilang araw. Ayusin isa-isa habang ini-imagine ang sarili na sumasahod ng 15,000 pesos isang buwan. Huwag tatapusin. Magtira ng para sa ilang araw na gawain. Palaging magtungo sa CR. Kunwari ay may LBM. Palagi ring bumisita sa ibang department, makipagchikahan. Huwag mong titingnan ang iyong relo habang ginagawa mo ang lahat ng nasa itaas. Kapag ginawa mo iyon ay lalo kang maiinip. Hayaang mag-enjoy ang sarili sa iyong katamaran. Magugulat ka na lamang na "time" na pala para umuwi. Ayusin ang lamesa na para bang napakarami ng iyong trinabaho. At bago umuwi, dumaan ng CR. Tingnan at hipuin ang mukha kung gaano kakapal. Huwag pansinin ang mga kasamahan na mula umaga ay tingin ng tingin sa iyo. Hindi naman sila ang nagpapasuweldo. Update Date December 4, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Bakit sa Tagalog??? Kung ang I LOVE YOU ay INIIBIG KITA, bakit ang umiibig (I) at ang iniibig (YOU) ay mukhang tuwirang naglaho sa pagkakasalin? Dahil ba kung umibig ang Pilipino ay nawawala ang AKO at IKAW at nagiging isa at nagsasanib sa KITA? Iyon din marahil ang dahilan kung bakit ang kasal ay PAG-IISANG-DIBDIB at ang asawa ay KABIYAK NG PUSO. Bakit may tawag tayo sa limang daliri ng kamay---HINLALAKI, HINTUTURO, HINLALATO, PALASINSINGAN at KALINGKINGAN-pero sa daliri ng paa ay wala? Kung ang bicycle ay BISIKLETA, bakit ang motorcycle ay MOTORSIKLO at hindi MOTORSIKLETA? O kaya'y BISIKLO? Bakit ang SILANGAN (kung saan sumisilang ang araw) at KANLURAN (kung saan kumakanlong ang araw) ay maliwanag ang ibig sabihin, pero ang HILAGA at TIMOG ay hindi mo alam ang pinagmulan? Kung ang likod ng tuhod ay ALAK-ALAKAN, bakit wala tayong tawag sa likod ng siko? Kung ang IN ay ginagamit sa gitlapi sa prito para maging PRINITO, sa gisa para maging GINISA, at sa paksiw para maging PINAKSIW, bakit sa laga ang ginagamit ay ang unlaping NI para maging NILAGA. Bakit hindi LINAGA dahil hindi naman natin sinasabing NIPRITO o NIGISA o NIPAKSIW? Alin ba ang tama? Bakit may tawag tayo sa four seasons-TAGLAMIG, TAGSIBOL, TAG-INIT at TAGLAGAS-gayong ang panahon sa Pilipinas ay TAG-ARAW at TAG-ULAN lamang? Kung may inang PUTA, bakit walang amang PUTO? Lahat ba ng lalaking kalapati ay matataas ang lipad? Bakit nakagawian na nating sabihing isang SENTIMO at limang SENTIMOS? Wala naman sa balarilang Tagalog ang pagdudugtong ng "s" sa pangngalan para ito maging maramihan. Hindi naman natin sinasabing limang PISOS, 'di ba? Kung ang left-handed ay KALIWETE, ano ang right-handed? Kung tradisyunal na nating itinuturing na ang ama ang haligi ng tahanan, bakit ang asawang babae ay ang MAYBAHAY at ang asawang lalaking ay ang TAO lamang? Bakit nakasanayan na nating sabihin NAKAKAINIS, NAKAKATAKOT o NAKAKAALIW? 'Di ba ang dapat na inuulit ay ang unang pantig ng salitang-ugat? Kaya dapat ay NAKAIINIS, NAKATATAKOT at NAKAAALIW. Kung sinasabi nating AMOY ARAW, LASANG IPIS o MUKHANG ANGHEL, mayroon na ba talagang nakalanghap ng araw, nakatikim ng ipis or nakakita ng anghel? Mayroon naman tayong LOLO at LOLA, AMA at INA, at TIYO at TIYA, bakit wala tayong isang-salitang katumbas ng SON at DAUGHTER, NEPHEW at NIECE, at GRANDSON at GRANDDAUGHTER? Itinuturing ba nating asexual ang ANAK, PAMANGKIN at APO? Bakit sa Tagalog maraming katumbas ang LOVE---PAG-IBIG, PAGMAMAHAL, PAGSINTA, PAG-IROG, PAGLIYAG, PAGGILIW? Dahil ba ang Pilipino ay likas na palasintahin? Update Date December 7, 2000 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • NAKALUNOK Man: Doc, help me uminom ako ng baygon. Doc: Bakit, magsusuicide ka? Man: Hindi. Nakalunok kasi ako ng buhay na ipis. Doc: Tange! Dapat kumain ka na lang ng tsinelas.
  • 2 KADETE Pedro: Pare may tsismis na may bading dito sa dorm natin. Juan: Huh! Sino? Pedro: Sasabihin ko sa iyo pero kiss muna. Update Date December 11, 2000 Submitted by Pepe.
  • USE IN A SENTENCE I Use UNO, DOS, TRES in a sentence: UNO, DOS TRES are on fire. Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence: I went to a party last night. There was so much food pero co-CONTEMPLATE. Use CURTAIN and KITCHEN in one sentence: Aray! Huwag mo akong CURTAIN. Masa-KITCHEN. Use PUNCTUATION in a sentence: Daddy, pasukan na next week. Kailangan ko ng PUNCTUATION. Use GUAVA in a sentence: I just had a haircut. Masa-GUAVA? Update Date December 12, 2000 Submitted by Pepe.
  • USE IN A SENTENCE II Use ICE BUKO in a sentence: Nagpagupit ako kanina. ICE BUKO ba? Use STATUE in a sentence: Hello Margie, i-STATUE? Use PERSUADING in a sentence: Kiko and Kikay got married on June 1, 1992 so on June 1, 1993, they are going to celebrate their PERSUADING anniversary. - To be continued .... Update Date December 14, 2000 Use DEVASTATION in a sentence: I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION every morning. Use CONCLUSION and OPINION in one sentence: (Pointing to a door): CONCLUSION, hindi OPINION. Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in one sentence: At the gasoline station, I asked the attendant, "Do I PAMPERS or do I PAPERS?" Use DIFFERENCE and DIFFERENCES in one sentence: If the royal family has a baby boy, he is called DIFFERENCE; if they have a baby girl, she is called DIFFERENCES. Use PROTESTANT in a sentence: Apples, oranges, and other fruits can be bought at the PROTESTANT. - To be continued .... Update Date December 18, 2000 Use ANALYZE and ANATOMY in one sentence: My ANALYZE over the ocean so bring back my ANATOMY. Use IRAQ, IRAN and EGYPT in one sentence: IRAQ is bigger than a stone; IRAN is faster than a walk; and EGYPT is smaller than a truck. Use INDAY in a sentence: (In your best Whitney Houston voice): INDAAAAAAAAAAY will always love you...ooooooo. Use ASSOCIATE in a sentence: I looked in the toilet and ASSOCIATE. Use DINUGUAN in a sentence: I tried turning on the TV but no matter how many times I tried DINUGUAN. - To be continued .... Update Date December 20, 2000 Use PAUL five times in a sentence: PAUL, be carePAUL; you might PAUL in the swimming PAUL and make a PAUL of yourself. Use HOSTESS in a sentence: When you answer the phone, you say, "Hello, HOSTESS?" Use CASHEW and SKATE in a sentence: I want to have a tattoo sana CASHEW mukhang ma-SKATE e. Use CUISINE in a sentence:I hope you studied last night because our teacher might give a surprise CUISINE Math. Use DEFICIT in a sentence: Before going into the pool, I always check how DEFICIT. Use DEPRESSED in a sentence: DEPRESSED is the person who conducts the mass every Sunday. - To be continued .... Update Date December 22, 2000 Use CALCULATOR in a sentence: I can't talk to you on the phone right now, but I'll CALCULATOR. Use KULONG in a sentence: Wow, ang bango mo ah! What's your KULONG? Use COMPLEX in a sentence: Every morning I eat COMPLEX with milk. Use SPECIMEN in a sentence: I saw some SPECIMEN inside the spaceship. Use EFFORT in a sentence: The airplane landed on the EFFORT. Use DECIBEL in a sentence: May nakita akong sirena kanina. Siya pala'y si DECIBEL. - To be continued .... Update Date December 26, 2000 Use SUSPICIOUS in a sentence: Mare, ang laki pala ng bahay ninyo. It's SUSPICIOUS. Use LION in a sentence: Pare, nasaktan ba kita kanina? Huwag mo isipin pare, LION. Use BAKING POWDER in a sentence: I BAKING POWDER? Can you repeat the question? Use CIRCUMFERENCE in a sentence: Hindi ako puedeng late umuwi. CIRCUMFERENCE ko eh. Update Date December 28, 2000 Submitted by Pepe.
  • BAKIT LAGING INTSIK ANG KINIKIDNAP? KASI PAG..... PINOY: Hulugan BUMBAY: 5-6 KANO: CREDIT CARD ANG BAYAD. PAG INTSIK : C.O.D. Update Date January 2, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • LOTTO HUSBAND: (SHOUTING!) Honey, mag-empake ka na, nanalo ako sa lotto. WIFE: Wow! Anong dadalhin ko? HUSBAND: Wala akong pakialam, basta lumayas ka na!
  • PLATONIC 1 TO 2 YEARS- MAGKASALO SA ISANG PLATO AFTER FIVE YEARS- TIG-ISA NA NG PLATO AFTER 10 YEARS- NAGBABATUHAN NA NG PLATO THATS WHAT YOU CALL "PLATONIC LOVE" Update Date January 8, 2001 Submitted by Pepe. Convict: Father, forgive me for I have sinned Priest: Sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo anak. Convict: Father, pinapatay ko ang lahat ng naniniwala sa diyos. Kayo po ba Father naniniwala doon? Priest: Sinoyon? Update Date January 10, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • COMFORT ROOM Filipino in a French airline: Excuse me but is there a comfort room in this place? Stewardess: Wi Wi! Filipino: No - U U!!
  • ANG ASTIG NA DAGA Ilang taon ring nanligaw itong si Leonardong daga dito kay Kate na elepante...Tapos sa wakas sinagot rin sya at nagpakasal. Sa kanilang honeymoon sa loob ng mainit na kweba... Leonardo: Sige... I-hataw mo pa.... Kate: eto nga eh todo bigay na... Leonardo: Sige pa!! Kate: Aray ko po!!!! Leonardo: Huwag kang mag-alala sadyang ganyan sa una! (yabang) (Yun pala na-umpog lang si Kate sa kahirapan) Update Date January 12, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • Differences between Mayaman at Mahirap sa Pilipinas Kung mayaman ka, meron kang "allergy"; kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan ay "galis" o "bakokang". Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo"; sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension and stress". Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay" ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac"; sa mahirap, ang tawag dito ay "magnanakaw". Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric"; kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo". Kung mahirap ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom"; kung mayaman ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine". Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba", pero kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic". Kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita" o "baluga", pero ang senorita mo kahit kasingkulay mo, ang tawag ay "morena" o "kayumanggi". Kung nasa high society ka, you are approvingly called "slender" or "balingkinitan"; kung mahirap ka lang, you are plainly called "payatot" o "patpatin" o "ting-ting" (kung masyado kang payat). Kung nasa high society ka pa rin at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay "petite"; kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot" o "unano" o "jabbar". Kung mahirap ka at date ka rito, date ka doon, ang tawag sa iyo ay "nagwawala"; kung well-off kayo, ikaw ay "game". To be continued ..... Update Date January 15, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • Differences between Mayaman at Mahirap sa Pilipinas PART II "Malandi" ka kung isa kang dukhang alembong; pero kung mayaman kayo, ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated". Ang mahirap na tumatanda ay "gumugurang"; sa mayamang tumatanda, the description is "he or she graduates gracefully into senior citizenhood". Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner'; ang equivalent na anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "gung-gong". Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says "masarap kang kumain, and I like you, you do justice to my cooking"; kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will say to himself or herself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom" o "hampaslupa" masiba"! Update Date January 16, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • M or F Applying for a job for the first time, isang seksing coed was filling up the application form . Mabilis siyang natapos but mukhang nahirapan siyang sagutin ang isang tanong: PERSONNEL: Do you need help in filling up the application, Miss? MISS: Puede ho bang "occasionally" ang ilagay na sagot. PERSONNEL: Which question, Miss? MISS: Sex
  • ORAL Two days after her operation, tinanong ni Monica ang kanyang surgeon: MONICA:: Doktor, puede na ho ba akong makipag-sex uli sa aking asawa.? DOKTOR: Of course, all we did was remove your tonsils. But on second thought... Update Date January 17, 2001 Submitted by Pepe. Hilarious names for Pinoy businesses THE ECONOMIC downturn has prompted Filipino entrepreneurs to put up businesses and products with hilarious names in a bid to grab customers. And what catchy names they have come up with. There's ''Cooking Ng Ina Mo,'' a carinderia specializing in home cooked meals on Boni Avenue in Manduluyong City. Just a stone's throw from it is a competitor called ''Cooking Ng Ina Mo Rin.'' From the names, one could easily get an idea about the specialties of the eateries. Take for instance ''Caintacky Fried Chicken.'' Where else, but in Cainta, Rizal. What about ''Blue Marilyn?'' It's a sing-along, ihaw-ihaw restaurant on Sucat Avenue in Parañaque. And ''Crispy Per Minute'' is another giveaway. It offers crispy pata while ''Cleopata's'' is a bakahan and manukan. The owner of ''Babalik Karinderia'' in Sto. Tomas, Batangas, seems to be confident that his customers will return to the eatery. To be continued .... Update Date January 22, 2001 Submitted by Pepe. Hilarious names for Pinoy businesses -CONTINUED 'Cinna Von' Urban living has created a demand for laundry service especially among those who don't have maids. If they live in Pasig City they can go to ''Cinna Von,'' a laundrymat. In Legaspi Village in Makati, the woman who takes orders for ''Launderland'' is reportedly named Alice. In San Juan, there's a janitorial service company called City Cleaners whose slogan is: ''Talk dirty to me.'' For those who enjoy beer, they can try ''Bali Gulp,'' which is just beside Valley Golf on Sumulong highway in Antipolo. Those who work near Buendia and Taft Avenues could go to ''Beery Good.'' A businessman or executive who wants to have a few drinks and feel not being hounded by his wife may have a good reason to tell her that he is in ''The Conference Room,'' a nightclub formerly near P. Burgos in Makati. 'O'Beer Time' Newsmen, however, prefer the ''The Other Office,'' a bar in Ermita, Manila, or maybe ''O'Beer Time.'' To be continued .... Update Date January 24, 2001 Submitted by Pepe. Hilarious names for Pinoy businesses -CONTINUED These names are culled from a list of establishments that Filipino techies have gathered and shared with their friends on the Internet. The list includes the following: *Fagoofyt (a children's hair salon on J. Elizalde Avenue in BF Parañaque), Felix the Cut, Going Straight (a hair straightening salon in Megamall), D'Scalp (a barbershop on Evangelista Street in Makati), Curl Up And Dye (beauty salon) and Cutis (hair and skin clinic on South Superhighway); Beefer 150 (meat shop), Common Cents Store (sari-sari store), Happy Birthday Toyo (a soy sauce brand in the 70's), Holland Hopia (owned by Mr. Ho; next door is Poland Hopia, owned by Mr. Po in Chinatown Manila), Bee Tin (Hopia Factory) and The Fried of Marikina ( fried chicken shop); Ali Baka (A shawarma shop), Ace-Deo Optical (Tanay, Rizal), Alabank (rural bank of Alabang), Beads and Pieces (bead shop), Berde Plants (plant shop in Glorietta), Doctor Sebago (Shoe Repair Shop, Pasay), Dear Hunter (mail order brides); The Enchanted Florist, Elizabeth Tailoring, Leon King Video Rental (Las Piñas) and Fernando Pe's Box Office Hits (video rental shop in Busuanga, Palawan). Update Date January 25, 2001 Submitted by Pepe. Hilarious names for Pinoy businesses -CONTINUED 'Funeraria Mabuhay' Faithfully Yours (detective agency in Kamagong, Makati), Farmacia With Love (drugstore ), Funeraria Mabuhay, Goldirocks (gravel and sand shop), Goto Heaven, Ho Kee Yah (pronounced ''OK Ah!'' with a Chinese accent; Chinese restaurant on Session Road in Baguio). H. U. Kayin (deep-well drilling services), Income Taxi, INK-credible! (a tattoo shop in Bicutan), Inno Scents (car freshener found in a Caltex Starmart), James Tailoring, Jane's Pondahan and Jean Tonic (denim shop, Shoppesville in Greenhills). Juice Co. (fruit juice stand), Labo Optical, Lalafca (novelty store), Let's Goat-Together (kambingan cum beer garden), Mahal Kita Honey (bottled honey from Batangas), Maid To Order (maid placement agency), Mane Attraction (beauty parlor) and Mang Donald's (burger joint, Naga City plaza that serves quarter pounders and the Big Mang! . . . Mak-Mak and a side order of Prince Fries). Mat & Jeep (jeep accessories shop), Meatropolis (meat shop), Meating Place (meat shop), Megamelt (ensaymada), Memory Drug (a Mercury Drug clone), Mercy Drug (another Mercury Drug clone in Olongapo), Miki Mao (noodle eatery), Motel Monaco and Nacho Fast (nachos to go). - To be continued ... Update Date January 26, 2001 Submitted by Pepe. Hilarious names for Pinoy businesses -CONTINUED 'Mercy Buko' Mercy Buko (fresh coconut roadside shop), Pa-Kap-Log (budget breakfast package: pandesal, kape at itlog), Passers Buy (convenience store), Perfect-Lee (sari-sari store in Alabang), Perm Foundation (a Christian beauty salon) and Petal Attraction (flower shop). Pig Out (restaurant/take-out in San Antonio Village, Makati specializing in pork dishes), Pizza Hot (Pizza Place), Saudia Hairlines (beauty salon), Scissors Palace (barber shop), Second Time Around (second hand watch store), Side-saki (side street eatery beside Mandarin Hotel), Sophisticut (unisex hair salon), Star Wash (launderette) and Susan's Roses (flower shop). 'TapSi TurBi' Su-To-Kil (a seaside wet market/eatery near Mactan shrine, called ''Su-to-kil,'' which is great feast for ''sugba-tola-kilaw.'') Suzy's Key Duplication, Sylvestre's Salon, TapSi TurBi (tapa, sinangag, turon at bibingka) and 10/Q (convenience store chain). - To be continued ... Update Date January 29, 2001 Submitted by Pepe. Hilarious names for Pinoy businesses -CONTINUED The Way We Wear (boutique), Tio Paeng Longganisa Stand (Pampanga), To Home It May Concern (furniture shop in Caloocan), Tree's Company (artificial plant store, Pasay Road), Triple Bee (restaurant) and Tutti Fruit-asan (fruit stall); Wash & Carry (laundromat on Dian Street, Makati near Cash & Carry), Washing Well (laundromat), Windows & Doors '98 (sash factory), Wheels Fargo (eatery), yehey.com (Yahoo clone), Your Best Vet (veterinary clinic), What's Disc? (novelty CD kiosk, Megamall) and Wrap and Roll (lumpia outlet, Quad, Makati). A menu in a seafood restaurant has these entrees: Isda best, Pusit to the limit and Hipon coming back. Update Date February 26, 2001 Submitted by Pepe. THE PINOY EXPORT A Pinoy is having his "SNACK" (bread and ube jam), when an Caucasian American man chuckling chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Pinoy ignores the Caucasian American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Caucasian American: "You Filipino folks eat the whole bread??" Pinoy (in a bad mood): "Of course." Caucasian American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into pandesal and export them to the Philippines ." The Caucasian American has a smirk on his face. The Pinoy listens in silence. The Caucasian American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??" Pinoy: "Of Course." Caucasian American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left-over in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and export them to the Philippines ." The Pinoy (kind of pissed na!) then asks: "Do you have sex in America?" Caucasian American: "Why? Of course we do", with a big smirk. Pinoy: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Caucasian American: "We throw them away, of course." Pinoy: "In the Philippines, we don't throw them. We put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and export them to the States." Update Date February 28, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • ADIK SA SABONG ISANG ARAW SI PEDRO WALANG PAMBAYAD SA ENTRANCE SA SABUNGAN. KAYA UMISIP SIYA NG PARAAN PARA MAKAPASOK SA SABUNGAN. KASI SA TUPADA O PINTAKASI KUNG MAY DALA KANG MANOK LIBRE ANG PASOK. KAYA ANG GINAWA NI PEDRO HUMULI SIYA NG SISIW, SIYA ANG DINALA SA SABUNGAN. PAGDATING SA ENTRANCE SINITA SIYA, GUWARDIYA: BOSS KUNG WALA KAYONG DALANG PANSABONG NA MANOK KAILANGANG MAGBAYAD HO KAYO NG ENTRANCE. PEDRO: ABA EH! MAY DALA NAMAN AKONG MANOK HA! GUWARDIYA: EH!BOSS SISIW PA LANG ANG DALA NINYONG MANOK. PEDRO: EH! BOSS YONG TATAY MAY LABAN, MANONOOD!!! Update Date March 5, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • NAKABAWI Isang binatang nasisiraan ng ulo ang isinugod sa pagamutan ng mga baliw sa Mandaluyong City. Tawa nang tawa. Humahagikgik, humahalakhak at walang tigil. Siyempre, bagong pasok ay ininterbyu siya ng naroong doktor. "Rodel po ang pangalan ko. Mayaman po kami. Ang totoo po, may kakambal ako. Magkamukhang-magkamukha kami at halos ay wala kaming pinagkaibahan. Dahil sa sobrang pagkakamukha namin, sa eskuwelahan, kapag may test kami, siya ang kumukuha para sa akin." Tatangu-tango ang doktor. Sa isip- isip niya'y mukha namang matino ang binata. "Minsan nga po, nang mapaaway siya sa isang bayan, ako ang nakulong. Ang malungkot po na hindi ko malilimutan ay may girlfriend ako na mahal na mahal ko. Siya ang nakatanan. Napagkamalan niya ang kakambal ko." paliwanag ni Rodel. "E, bakit mukhang masayang-masaya ka ngayon?" usisa naman ng doktor. "Kasi po, nakabawi naman ako. Noong isang linggo, namatay ako. Siya ang inilibing." Update Date March 12, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • WHAT?? First time ni Juan ang pagbiyahe patungong America. So, takot, excited ang nararamdaman ni Juan. Sino nga ba ang hindi matakot kung wala kang kasama puntang merica.at laki sa malayong probinsya. While he's on the airport gilalas si Juan sa laki 747 Jumbo plane, na sasakyan nya,so hindi nakatiis, si Juan biglang nagtanong and Tanong.. Juan: sino ba may ari ng eroplanong ito.sa malas ang napagtanongan ay puti di pinoy ang sagot ng puti. Puti: WHAT!!!! JUAN; ahh;; kay What pala ito. Nakuuu!! laki ha? nakangiti si juan at biglang talikod si puti. Pagdating sa New york airport, biglang nagtanong ulit si Juan sa isang puti. Kanino ba napakalaking airport na ito? Sabi ni puti, What!! So gilalas ulit si Juan, ahh kay What ulit? naku laki!! talaga. Pero di pinansin si Juan ng puti, lumipas ang oras habang nasa labas na ng airport si Juan napansin ni Juan ang napakalaking mga Building sa NewYork, so tanong ulit si juan Juan: Kanino ba ang mga malalaking building na ito? Sa malas puti ulit ang napagtanongan ni Juan. Puti:Whatttttt!!!!!! Juan:gilalas sa nalaman: Naku ang yaman-yaman talaga ni What. Sa paglipas ng oras biglang nakakita si Juan ng pagsisipaglibing sabi ni Juan sa isang Puting matanda, Hey! Joe sino ba patay.ang sagot ni Puti. Whatttttt???? Biglang nanginig si Juan. ha? patay na si what?? hindi ma-get ni puti so hindi na pinansin si Juan.after two days kumain sa restaurant si Juan nanood ng TV, habang kumakain si Juan so fortunately, nasa TV ang presidente ng United States for the State Address, lahat ng tao sa restaurant ay nakikinig. So hindi nakatiis si Juan biglang tanong sa waitress Sino ba yang nasa TV. ang waitress ay Puti so ang sagot What????? biglang tanong ulit si Juan: Di ba patay na si What? Update Date March 19, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • NABANGGA ANG KOTSE Isang Umaga sa Kalye, meron kotseng umaatras: Driver: "Pare pakitingnan kung mababanga ako" Taga-Sigaw: "Sige po ser!" at ilang sandali na lang.... Taga-Sigaw : "KASYA! KASYA! KAAASSSYAAAA!" ... at bigla na lang bumanga yung kotse *blaagag* Driver : "Nakupo keplos nabanga!" Taga-Sigaw :"ANO KA BA NAMAN SABI NG ME PUNO NG KASYA EH!!! TRAS KA NG TRAS!!!" Driver: napakamot ulo Update Date March 26, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • Things Forrest Gump would say if he was Filipino My name is Porrest, Porrest Goomp. Inay always said that life is like a balikbayan box. Lieutenant Dan! P*t*ng *n* mo! Lieutenant Dan! Gusto mo ba ang sorbetes? Me and Jenny went together like champorado and isda. "Mr. President, iihi ako. Nasaan ang CR?" My best friend Bubba knew everything there was to know about bagoong. "There's bagoong with rice, bagoong with lemon juice, fried bagoong, bagoong at puto, etc.etc..." Those look like comfortable shoes. Sa Payless ba? He invested my money in a prrooot company. Tanga is as tanga does. Update Date April 2, 2001 Submitted by Pepe. MATANDA KANA ..... kung ayaw mo nang sumama sa mga bata. kung ang lahat ng kasu-kasuhan mo ay tila masakit. kung ano ang hindi masakit ay ayaw ng gumalaw. kung alas-kuwatro pa lamang ng umaga ay gising ka na. kung ang tinitingnan mo sa pagkain ay ingredients. kung binibilang mo ang calories o fats ng iyong pagkain. kung tumatanda na ang mga anak mo. kung nag-enroll ka sa fitness gym, pero hindi naman nagpupunta. kung nakakalimutan mo ang susi mo sa kotse o sa loob ng bahay. kung alam na alam mo naman ang lahat subalit walang nagtatanong saiyo. kung pinapatay mo ang ilaw hindi dahil sa ikaw ay malambing kundi dahil nagtitipid ka ng kuryente. kung nagliliwanag na ang iyong bumbunan. kung ayaw mong maniwalang may guhit na ang noo mo. kung ang kati-kati ng likod mo subalit hindi mo makamot dahil hindimo maabot. kung sa pagyuko mo ay lumalagutok ang iyong likod. kung ipinauulit mo ang pangalan ng bago mong kaibigan. kung hindi mo na pinaghahandaan ang susunod mong kaarawan. kung inaaway ka ng asawa mo sa araw ng kanyang kaarawan. kung nakalimutan mo na ang anibersaryo ninyo ng asawa mo. kung nakakalimutan mong i-flush ang banyo pagkatapos mong gamitin. kung nakakalimutan mong itaas muli ang iyong zipper pagkatapos mong gamitin ang banyo. kung ang paborito mong bisita ay ang iyong duktor. kung ang pinakaayaw mong bisita ay ang health insurance company. kung natutuwa kang magbasa ng legend stories o nanonood ng history channel. kung ang paborito mo pa ring artista ay laos na. kung ang kaparis ng iyong medyas ay kulay pula. kung may salamin ka na ay hindi pa rin makakita. kung nakakalimutan mo na ang birthday ng iyong biyenan. kung si Jaworski pa rin ang paborito mong basketbolista. kung naiinip ka na sa harapan ng stop lights. kung dumidikit ang iyong ngipin sa malagkit mong pagkain. kung sa pagdarasal mo ay nauuna ang Amen sa Ama Namin. Update Date April 5, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • KUWENTONG PARI Magdasal na lang tayo pagkatapos magbasa nito at sana'y hindi tayo agad kunin ni Lord. "Kuripot ang mga parukyano ko!" sumbong ng unang pari sa kaibigan niya ring pari. "Wala akong problema sa pera," sabi ng kaibigang pari. "Kapag nasa gitna na ako ng sermon ko at nakatitig silang lahat sa akin, inilalabas ko ang aking relo de bulsa at hini-hypnotize ko sila at sinasabi kong 'maglagay kayo ng malaking pera' at kapag nagbibigayan na, malaki ang ibinibigay nila." "Teka! Magawa nga!" sabi ng unang pari. Sa kanyang sermon, inilabas ng unang pari ang hiniram na relo de bulsa sa kaibigang pari at inumpisahan niyang i-hypnotize ang mga parukyano niya. "Maglagay kayo ng malaking donasyon," sabi niya. Malaki ang koleksyon noong Linggong 'yun at sinubukan niya ulit nang sumunod na Linggo. Habang hini-hypnotize ang mga parukyano niya, naihulog niya ang relo at napasigaw siya, "Ay, puke!" Nagsara ang simbahan niya noong araw ring 'yun dahil sa dami ng reklamong natanggap na maraming babaeng naghubad daw sa loob ng simbahan para lumapit sa pari. Update Date April 16, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • KUWENTONG PARI ULI Minsan, isang pari ang naligaw. Hindi niya makita ang kalyeng hinahanap. Nagtanong siya sa isang bata. "Anak, saan ba ang daan patungo sa Kalye Balong-bato?" tanong ng pari. "Father, diretsuhin n'yo lang po itong daan at pagdating sa ikalawang kanto ay iyon na po ang Kalye Balong-bato," turo ng bata. "Salamat, anak! Dahil sa iyong kabutihan ay hayaan mong ituro ko sa iyo ang daan tungo sa kalangitan!" tuwang pasakalye ng pari. Nagalit ang bata, "Para kayong ****, Father! Ang yabang-yabang n'yo! Kung `yung daan lang patungo sa Balong-bato ay `di n'yo alam, `yun pa kayang daan patungo sa langit?" Update Date April 23, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • PADRE DAMASO Napansin ni Padre Damaso ang lalaking nasa may pinto ng simbahan na nag-darasal ng taimtim. Ilang linggo na niya itong napapansin na hindi pumapasok sa simbahan, bagkus ay sa may pinto lang nagdarasal. Nilapitan ni Padre Damaso ang lalaki at kinausap, "Ano ba ang ipinagdarasal mo, iho?" "Sana po, manalo ako sa lotto. Pero parang hindi nakikinig ang Nasa Itaas. Araw-araw na lang, nandito ako sa pinto ng bahay Niya, pero hindi ako manalu-nalo," sagot ng lalaki. Nagalit si Padre Damaso, "Kung ako ngang nasa harapan na ng altar araw-araw, hindi manalo sa lotto, ikaw pa kaya?!" Update Date April 26, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • ANG SUKLI Nagdarasal nang taimtim si Kiko sa simbahan, "Diyos ko! Tulungan n'yo po ako, naholdap ako at wala akong pamasaheng pauwi. Maawa po kayo, kahit limang piso lang..." Naawa ang Diyos at binigyan siya ng sampung piso. Laking pasasalamat ni Kiko, "Napakabait N'yo po! Maraming salamat po sa ibinigay Ninyo sa akin!" Biglang nagsalita ang rebulto, "Hoy, sukli ko! Limang piso lang ang hinihingi mo!" Update Date May 7, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • HATE LETTER The following is a letter found at a certain bar in Manila and has been preserved in its original, unedited form. Enjoy reading and you may try direct translation in Tagalog. Pls read with feelings... To Marjie, I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reason you can think about but you're very fat body. I thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I'm realize that he really can't not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first,Dennis say he could not stand you're habit of making pakialam all his walks [lakad] and always calling to their house what he go home or this or that and then he say he get ashame to met iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise you're very very ,very fat body but you hate it thoughth your the most preetiest girls he knows about what do you think you are "Beautiful Girl " of Jose Marie Chan even you are beautiful face to your think) you do not have the right to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I'm never call you names iether in the front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I don't have any other choice but to call you other different name to like you are a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT, AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you're body that is to a BUDING. You can't not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I am the more sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror. I'm repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl. FROM: THE SEXIEST GIRL OF D.M. P.S. You say that I'm the bad breathe but who is Dennis want to kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me. There you go. Update Date May 15, 2001 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • Q&A TIME AGAIN PART I IT'S QUESTION TIME, GOT A MINUTE!? Q: BAKIT INTSIK ANG KINIKIDNAP HINDI BUMBAY? A:KASI PAG BUMBAY, ANG BAYARAN NG RANSOM HULUGAN. Q:WHY IS BREASTMILK STILL BEST BABIES? A: IT'S FRESH; CONTAINS ANTIBODIES FOR PROTECTION AGAINST INFECTION, AND IT COMES IN A VERY ATTRACTIVE CONTAINER! Q: TRUE OR FALSE. LAHAT BA NG ORAS AY MAY ALAS? A: TRUE NAMAN NOH!!!!! Update Date May 22, 2001 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • Q & A TIME AGAIN PART II Q: MAYRONG 4 NA SEASONS-SPRING, FALL, WINTER, SUMMER. KELAN NAHUHULOG ANG MGA DAHON? A: SA STORM, OF COURSE!!!!!!! Q: WHY SHOULD WE NOT PASS JUDGEMENT ON MONICA LEWINSKY? A: BECAUSE " NAPASUBO LANG SIYA!" Q: ANONG MANGYAYARI KAY TWEETY BIRD KAPAG UMINOM SIYA NG VIAGRA? A: MAGIGING BIG BIRD. Q: ANO ANG DIFFERENCE NG BADING AT CANNIBAL? A: ANG CANNIVAL KUMAKAIN NG KA-URI, ANG BADING KUMAKAIN NG KA-ARI! Update Date May 28, 2001 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • IBA-IBA PART I Anak: Dear Itay, padalhan mo ako ng pera kasi ang mga damit ko pinagkakain ng mga daga. Itay: Dear Anak, wala akong pera. Kung gusto mo, meron dito pusa. ************ Isang babae bumili ng asukal. Inabot ng tindera, pero sabi ng babae, Miss, asin itong binigay mo sa akin." Tindera: Hindi, asukal yan. Minarkahan lang naming "Asin" para hindi langgamin. ************ Ngongo dictionary: CATTLE - dun nakatira ang printeta at printipe MELT - yun ang sinusuot sa mewang EFFORT - dun nag-la-land ang efflane STATUE - ikaw ba yan? Update Date June 4, 2001 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • IBA-IBA PART II Couple doing hanky-panky inside the car, was caught by a cop. "Sir, my girlfriend stopped breathing. Had to do CPR on her." "Then why is she naked?" "She wouldn't open her mouth so I had to find another opening." ************ WIFE: Hudas ka! Lagi kang umuuwing lasing! Naaasar na tuloy ako sa mukha mo! HUSBAND: Pero mahal, kung hindi ako lasing, ako naman ang maaasar sa mukha mo! Update Date June 11, 2001 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • IBA-IBA PART III ANAK: 'Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner? ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!! ************ Maganda daw mapangasawa CANADIAN, kasi pwede mong sabihin: Maglaba CANADIAN! Magsaing CANADIAN! Hubad CANADIAN! Ano, okay CANADIAN? Update Date June 18, 2001 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • IBA-IBA PART IV ************ M'AM: Inday, sa susunod, ayokong pinakikialaman mo ang condom namin ng sir mo! INDAY: M'am, hwag kayong magbibintang! Di kami sanay ni Sir gumamit niyan! Sobra kayo! ************ MRS: Lolokohin ko mister ko. Magpapanggap akong pick-up girl ako. Pagkita kay Mister: Hi Pogi! AVAILABLE ako ngayon.... MR: Ayoko sa yo!! Kamukha mo misis ko!! Update Date July 2, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • BASTARD A cop showed up trying to figure out what was happening. The Black man said, "He called me a bastard". The Filipino man said "I didn't". So then the cop asked the Filipino man what happened and he said, "Dat man ass me where is Longs Drugs and all I told him was "You one blok bast-it (You one block past it).
  • BOKNOY'S TRANSLATION "Pagkatapos ng kung ano-ano ay nagdatingan ang kung sino-sino!" Boknoy's translation: "After the what-what came the who-who!" Update Date July 9, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • INTERNATIONAL ACTUARIAL CONTEST There was this international contest for the best life insurance policy. Hey, Actuarial Majors take note! a la Miss Universe. Bob Barker was the emcee: Contestant No. 1 (from an American firm represented by an obnoxious one of those TV-host-late-night-30-minute-commercial types like Amazing Discoveries): "I will insure your child from birth to death." Bob Barker smiles and says, "Let's hear it for good old American values." Audience claps. Contestant No. 2 (from a German firm, represented by a severely, handsome blonde, blue-eyed hunk): "I will insure your child from womb to tomb." Bob Barker smiles again and says, "There you go." Contestant No. 3 (from an English firm, represented by a dapper young Englishman in an elegant Saville Row suit with a perfect (but learned) Oxford accent): "I will top them all. I will insure your child, Bob (for a little touch of personality here, which is strange because the English is supposed to be cold, proper and formal) from conception to expiration." Bob Barker ahhs and the audience is prompted to ahh with him. Contestant No. 4 (from a Japanese firm, represented by a tall Japanese in a Giorgio Armani. He says in a perfect (also learned) Oxford English): "I will insure your child (whips out a chart) from sperm to worm." Audience hoots. Bob Barker almost dies. In a joke such as this, of course the Filipino always comes last: Contestant No. 5. (The Filipino. A dignified 5'2" executive with a slight beer belly, wearing a polo barong, of course, (or was that a gray bush jacket?) and holding an imitation leather clutch bag: (in a perfect American accent) "I will insure your child sir, from erection to resurrection! HAH! Bob Barker did have a heart attack. Update Date July 16, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • EASY MONEY An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law symphosium in Manila, when a Filipino lawyer approached him. The Pinoy lawyer asked, "Is it true, that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots of money?" Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Tagalog. His partner grinned and began nodding vigorously. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to move to America to practice law. "No, no," one Pinoy attorney replied. "We want to move to America to fall down on sidewalks!" Update Date July 23, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • ISANG TULA Giliw kong nilalangit, Nilalangaw pati puwet, Kung sa langit ikaw ay tala, Sa lupa ikaw ay tekla. Buhok mo'y alon-alon, Kutong mo'y patong-patong, Ngipin mo'y pantay-pantay, Hininga mo'y amoy patay! Update Date July 30, 2001 Submitted by Pepe.
  • UBOS SAYAF
  • Magpapalit daw ng pangalan yung abu sayaf pagkatapos mapaligiran ng mga sundalo, magiging ubos sayaf na raw sila. Pagkatapos sabihin ni Presidente Arroyo na "isang bala na lang kayo", nag bago na naman ang isip ng abu sayaf, magiging abo sayaf na raw sila. Nakatakas na ang abu sayaf sa mga militar sa bayan ng Lamitan kaya mag papalit na naman sila ng pangalan. Ngayon, sila na ang babu sayaf! Update Date August 6, 2001 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • ANG SULAT
  • Dear Charo, Nais kong ikuwento sa inyo ang namagitan sa amin ng aking itay isang gabi. Hindi ko kayang makalimutan kahit anong bahagi ng gabing iyon. Malakas ang ulan noon. Katatapos ko pa lamang maligo at nakatapis pa lamang sa loob ng aking kuwarto. Narinig ko si Itay na kumakatok sa aking pinto. Nang sagutin ko ang pinto ay sinabi niya na kailangan daw naming magusap. Pinapasok ko naman po siya dahil ama ko po siya. Nagulat na lamang ako nang isarado at ikinandado ang pinto. Hinawakan ni Itay ang braso ko. Napasigaw ako, sabi ko "ITAY huwag, anak mo ako!". Ngunit hindi tumigil ang aking Itay. Ipinagpatuloy niya ang kanyang ginawa. Pumikit na lamang ako dahil sa ayaw kong makita ang mukha ng aking tatay sa kanyang ginagawa. Naririnig ko si Inay na binubulabog ang pinto. Sumisigaw na, "Hayop ka wag mong gawin yan sa anak mo." Ngunit wala pa rin. Ipinaubaya ko na lamang ang sarili ko sa Diyos. Pagkalagpas ng ilang oras ay natapos din ang aking Itay. Nang humarap ako sa salamin ay nagulat ako sa aking nakita. Magaling naman pala mag-make-up si Itay. Noong gabi na iyon ay nagladlad ng kapa si Itay. Bakla pala siya. Natuwa ako at mahusay ang kanyang ginawa. Naisip ko na matutuwa ang aking boyfriend dahil sa ganda ko. Nagyakapan kami doon at nagiyakan. Masaya na kami ngayon at walang problema. Yours truly, BADONG Update Date August 13, 2001 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • ANG SABI KO...
  • A couple was having sex Wife: Ancelmo...oh...Ancelmo... Husband: Putang ina ka! Sinong Anselmo? Wife: Gago! And sabi ko, ang cell mo! Alisin mo!
  • USE IN A SENTENCE
  • Use MaMeMiMoMu, BaBeBiBoBu, KaKeKiKo in a story Mother and baby in bathtub: Baby: "MaMe, Mi Momu!" Mother: "ABa, BeBi, BoBu Ka, KeKi, Ko 'yan!" Update Date August 20, 2001 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. If one day you feel alone... Just look up the sky... Wala lang, lookup ka lang ba... Tapos look down ulit... Ganda 'yang exercise sa neck! Doctor: Lola, kailan ho ba kayong last nakipagtalik? Lola: Mga 1955 Doctor: Matagal na ho pala ano? Lola: Di naman! (sabay tingin sa relo). 20:55 pa lang naman ah! Update Date August 27, 2001 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. A soldier died. Wife is crying during burial when flag was given to her. She said,"Aanhin ko paang watawat na 'to kung wala na ang flagpole ko!" Hu...hu...hu... New teacher on first day of school. Teacher: Class, my name is Ms. Pruki. Remember Pruki, with an R. Next day. Class: Good Morning, Ms..... Teacher: It's with an R. Class: Good Morning Ms.PrekPrek! Q: Ano sa English ang MASUWERTE AKONG LALAKI? A: Lucky Me with Egg Q: Eh 'yong MATRONANG BARAT? A: Payless Instant Mami Update Date September 3, 2001 Submitted by Solivar. Wife: Walanghiya! Husband: Walanghiya ka rin! Wife: Tanga! Husband: Tanga ka rin! Wife: Gago! Husband: Gago ka rin! Wife: Supot! Husband: Wala namang ganyanan... Q: What is the shortest sentence. A: I am. Q: What is the longest sentence. A: I do. O di be life sentence 'yan! Update Date September 10, 2001 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY By: Anonymous Submitted by Pepe. Ed's note: Might not be jokes but brings out a smile in you. FROM the 1896 Revolution to the first Philippine Republic, the Commonwealth period, the EDSA Revolt, and the tiger cub economy (did not make it, but will someday), history marches on. Thankfully, however, some things never change. Like the classics, things irresistibly Pinoy mark us for life. They're the indelible stamp of our identity, the undeniable affinity that binds us like twins. They celebrate the good in us, the best of our culture and the infinite possibilities we are all capable of. Some are so self-explanatory you only need mention them for fellow Pinoys to swoon or drool. Here, from all over this Centennial-crazed country and in no particular order, are a hundred of the best things that make us unmistakably Pinoy. Merienda. Where else is it normal to eat five times a day? Sawsawan. Assorted sauces that guarantee freedom of choice, enough room for experimentation and maximum tolerance for diverse tastes. Favorites: toyo't calamansi, suka at sili, patis. Kuwan, ano. At a loss for words? Try these and marvel at how Pinoys understand exactly what you want. Pinoy humor and irreverence. If you're api and you know it, crack a joke. Nothing personal, really. Tingi. Thank goodness for small entrepreneurs. Where else can we buy cigarettes, soap, condiments and life's essentials in small affordable amounts? Spirituality. Even before the Spaniards came, ethnic tribes had their own anitos, bathalas and assorted deities, pointing to a strong relationship with the Creator, who or whatever it may be. Po, opo, mano po. Speech suffixes that define courtesy, deference, filial respect--a balm to the spirit in these aggressive times. Pasalubong. Our way of sharing the vicarious thrills and delights of a trip, and a wonderful excuse to shop without the customary guilt. Beaches! With 7,000 plus islands, we have miles and miles of shoreline piled high with fine white sand, lapped by warm waters, and nibbled by exotic tropical fish. From the stormy seas of Batanes to the emerald isles of Palawan--over here, life is truly a beach. Bagoong. Darkly mysterious, this smelly fish or shrimp paste typifies the underlying theme of most ethnic foods: disgustingly unhygienic, unbearably stinky and simply irresistible. Update Date September 17, 2001 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation By: Anonymous Submitted by Pepe. Ed's note: Might not be jokes but brings out a smile in you. Bayanihan. Yes, the internationally-renowned dance company, but also this habit of pitching in still common in small communities. Just have that cold beer and some pulutan ready for the troops. The Balikbayan box. Another way of sharing life's bounty, no matter if it seems like we're fleeing Pol Pot every time we head home from anywhere in the globe. The most wonderful part is that, more often than not, the contents are carted home to be distributed. Pilipino komiks. Not to mention "Hiwaga," "Aliwan," "Tagalog Classics," "Liwayway" and"Bulaklak" magazines. Pulpy publications that gave us Darna, Facifica Falayfay, Lagalag, Kulafu, Kenkoy, Dyesebel, characters of a time both innocent and worldly. Folk songs. They come unbidden and spring, full blown, like a second language, at the slightest nudge from the too-loud stereo of a passing jeepney or tricycle. Fiesta. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow is just another day, shrugs the poor man who, once a year, honors a patron saint with this sumptuous, no-holds-barred spread. It's a Pinoy celebration at its pious and riotous best. Aswang, manananggal, kapre. The whole underworld of Filipino lower mythology recalls our uniquely bizarre childhood, that is, before political correctness kicked in. Still, their rich adventures pepper our storytelling. Jeepneys. Colorful, fast, reckless, a vehicle of postwar Pinoy ingenuity, this Everyman's communal cadillac makes for a cheap, interesting ride. If the driver's a daredevil (as they usually are), hang on to your seat. Dinuguan. Blood stew, a bloodcurdling idea, until you try it with puto. Best when mined with jalape? peppers. Messy but delicious. Update Date September 24, 2001 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation By: Anonymous Submitted by Pepe. Santacruzan. More than just a beauty contest, this one has religious overtones, a tableau of St. Helena's and Constantine's search for the Cross that seamlessly blends piety, pageantry and ritual. Plus, it's the perfect excuse to show off the prettiest ladies--and the most beautiful gowns. Balut. Unhatched duck's embryo, another unspeakable ethnic food to outsiders, but oh, to indulge in guilty pleasures! Sprinkle some salt and suck out that soup, with gusto. Pakidala. A personalized door-to-door remittance and delivery system for overseas Filipino workers who don't trust the banking system, and who expect a family update from the courier, as well. Choc-nut. Crumbly peanut chocolate bars that defined childhood ecstasy before M & M's and Hershey's. Kamayan style. To eat with one's hand and eschew spoon, fork and table manners--ah, heaven. Update Date October 1, 2001 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation By: Anonymous Submitted by Pepe. Chicharon. Pork, fish or chicken crackling. There is in the crunch a hint of the extravagant, the decadent and the pedestrian. Perfect with vinegar, sublime with beer. Pinoy hospitality. Just about everyone gets a hearty "Kain tayo!" invitation to break bread with whoever has food to share, no matter how skimpy or austere it is. Adobo, kare-kare, sinigang and other lutong bahay stuff. Home-cooked meals that have the stamp of approval from several generations, who swear by closely-guarded cooking secrets and family recipes. Lola Basyang. The voice one heard spinning tales over the radio, before movies and television curtailed imagination and defined grown-up tastes. Pambahay. Home is where one can let it all hang out, where clothes do not make a man or woman but rather define their level of comfort. Update Date October 8, 2001 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation By: Anonymous Submitted by Pepe. Tricycle and trisikad, the poor Pinoy's taxicab that delivers you at your doorstep for as little as PHPesos3.00, with a complimentary dusting of polluted air. Dirty ice cream. Very Pinoy flavors that make up for the risk: munggo, langka, ube, mais, keso, macapuno. Plus there's the colorful cart that recalls jeepney art. Yayas. The trusted Filipino nanny who, ironically, has become a major Philippine export as overseas contract workers. A good one is almost like a surrogate parent--if you don't mind the accent and the predilection for afternoon soap and movie stars. Sarsi. Pinoy rootbeer, the enduring taste of childhood. Our grandfathers had them with an egg beaten in. Pinoy fruits. Atis, guyabano, chesa, mabolo, lanzones, durian, langka, makopa, dalanghita, siniguelas, suha, chico, papaya, singkamas--the possibilities! Pinoy tastes. A dietitian's nightmare: too sweet, too salty, too fatty, as in burong talangka, itlog na maalat, crab fat (aligue), bokayo, kutchinta, sapin-sapin, halo-halo, pastilyas, palitaw, pulburon, longganisa, tuyo, ensaymada, ube haleya, sweetened macapuno and garbanzos. Remember, we're the guys who put sugar (horrors) in our spaghetti sauce. Yum! The sights. Banaue Rice Terraces, Boracay, Bohol's Chocolate Hills, Corregidor Island, Fort Santiago, the Hundred Islands, the Las Pi?s Bamboo Organ, Rizal Park, Mt. Banahaw, Mayon Volcano, Taal Volcano. A land of contrasts and ever-changing landscapes. Update Date October 14, 2001 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation By: Anonymous Submitted by Pepe. Gayuma, agimat and anting-anting. Love potions and amulets. How the socially-disadvantaged Pinoy copes. Barangay Ginebra, Jaworski, PBA, MBA and basketball. How the verticaly-challenged Pinoy compensates, via a national sports obsession that reduces fans to tears and fistfights. People Power at EDSA. When everyone became a hero and changed Philippine history overnight. San Miguel Beer and pulutan. "Isa pa nga!" and the Philippines' most popular, world-renowned beer goes well with peanuts, corniks, tapa, chicharon, usa, barbecue, sisig, and all manner of spicy, crunchy and cholesterol-rich chasers. Resiliency. We've survived 400 years of Spanish rule, the US bases, Marcos, the 1990 earthquake, lahar, lambada, Robin Padilla, and Tamagochi. We'll survive Erap. Yoyo. Truly Filipino in origin, this hunting tool, weapon, toy and merchandising vehicle remains the best way to "walk the dog" and "rock the baby," using just a piece of string. Update Date October 22, 2001 Submitted by Bong V.
  • Think It Over:If terrorists strike Makati
  • A GROUP of Pinoys in a drinking session speculated what would happen if terrorists struck a building in Makati using a hijacked airplane. The terrorists' first problem was selecting the target. They didn't want to crash into the Senate or the Batasan. They wanted to inflict terror, not to solicit applause. Certainly not to top popularity ratings in the next surveys of the Social Weather Stations. The World Trade Center was the citadel of American capitalism. Where's the citadel of Philippine capitalism? The terrorists' quick research revealed that this country of 75 million has an economy the size of a bonsai. So what do you hit? What the heck, hit their stock exchange. It turned out that Asia's oldest but equally bonsai stock exchange had two locations run by two factions. Tribal politics are the same everywhere, they figured. The terrorists had only one hijacked airplane and if they hit only one, they would be accused of favoring the survivor. The passion of their religious militancy would be lost in the world of Philippine business intramurals. The plane headed for Makati, anyway. They encountered another problem. The pollution was so bad and visibility so poor that they could not discern one building from another. Damn it, one terrorist thought. Years earlier, he read in his Bayview Hotel suite that these people had passed a Clean Air Act. Their politicians were crowing about it. The guy figured that one of them should have taken over the control tower so its radar could vector them straight to Makati. Unknown to him, the control tower could not have done it since its radar was barely capable of launching and landing aircraft in proper sequence. Its upgrading project had been in limbo ever since the Senate investigation on the Marconi radar contract. The terrorists finally crashed into a building, but its few occupants survived. Most of the floors were empty because of poor business conditions. The office they hit had been abandoned long ago by a crony of the previous president. This triggered protests from civil society, which viewed the attack as "politically motivated" and as nothing but a brazen attempt to destroy evidence for the Sandiganbayan trial. The building burned, and suddenly the mayor showed up with a media crew demanding that the owner and contractor be held liable for violations of the Fire Safety Code. The Bureau of Immigration got into the act and slapped a hold-departure order on them. The furor continued as politicians stumbled over each other issuing statements. The inevitable congressional investigations followed. Witnesses received subpoenas from the Senate and the House for hearings on the same day these were issued. The hijackers were dead and their suspected fellow terrorists were still at large. So, the building owner, contractor, and bandaged survivors experienced the terror of being grilled for hours in both hearings, all answering the same questions. Extensive roundups and arrests followed. The suspects, this time armed with underemployed lawyers, questioned the procedures, and soon enough the authorities spent their waking hours fending off accusations from volunteer groups and the Commission on Human Rights alleged human rights violations. Finally, the Defense Department took the lead in the fight against terrorism. They blundered in their first attempts at surveillance for lack of high-tech equipment. Senators demanded the resignation of the defense secretary for not having the equipment he had been nagging Congress about for some time now. Defense personnel improvised and used mobile phones for quick reaction units. But the remaining terrorists made it a point to move around at peak hours, knowing that the cell phones would yield a garbled female voice mumbling something about all circuits being busy. A congressional franchise was proposed, but nothing could move in the committee until the investigation of the Gang of Five was concluded. Mercifully, Congress passed an anti-terrorist supplementary budget. As the terrorists fanned out of their lairs, defense and budget officials worked overtime on the advice of allotment and other paper work required to make the funds available. A legal issue came up on whether the acquisition of equipment should be subjected to a bidding or be negotiated. An opposition senator claimed that presidential friends were cornering the contracts and warned that the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee was waiting, so the decision was to bid out the contract on a "fast-track" basis. After extensive research into the applicable Commission on Audit circulars, a public bidding was held and the lowest bidder got the award. A gray area on the technical specifications was spotted and the losing bidders filed a protest. They managed to get a judge to issue a temporary restraining order on the award of the winning bids. Officials were threatened with charges to be filed with the Ombudsman. A pleading for certiorari was filed in the Court of Appeals, with a motion ready for filing in the Supreme Court. This caused another congressional investigation. The terrorists scratched their heads in bewilderment. In addition to being fugitives, they became fascinated observers. Instead of sowing terror, they had stirred up a political hornets' nest. Their intensive courses in Terrorist University nestled in the highlands of Afghanistan did not prepare them for this mutated form of democracy. They concluded that it might not be necessary for them to do anything else here. The political system might implode by itself sometime, anyway. By this time, the Pinoys had exhausted themselves laughing on top of their drinks. The next day's hangover would remind them that the joke was for real. Think it over.
  • 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
  • By: Anonymous Submitted by Pepe. Pinoy games: Pabitin, palosebo, basagan ng palayok. A few basic rules make individual cunning and persistence a premium, and guarantee a good time for all. Balagtasan. The verbal joust that brings out rhyme, reason and passion on a public stage. Tabo. All-powerful, ever-useful, hygienically-triumphant device to scoop water out of a bucket _ and help the true Pinoy answer nature's call. Helps maintain our famously stringent toilet habits. Pandesal. Despite its shrinking size, still a good buy. Goes well with any filling, best when hot. Jollibee. Truly Pinoy in taste and sensibility, and a corporate icon that we can be quite proud of. Do you know that it's invaded the Middle East, as well? The butanding, the dolphins and other creatures in our blessed waters. They're Pinoys, too, and they're here to stay. Now if some folks would just stop turning them into daing. Pakikisama. It's what makes people stay longer at parties, have another drink, join pals in sickness and health. You can get dead drunk and still make it home. Sing-a-long. Filipinos love to sing, and thank God a lot of us do it well! Kayumanggi. Neither pale nor dark, our skin tone is beautifully healthy, the color of a rich earth or a mahogany tree growing towards the sun. Update Date October 29, 2001
  • 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
  • By: Anonymous Submitted by Pepe. Handwoven cloth and native weaves. Colorful, environment-friendly alternatives to polyester that feature skillful workmanship and a rich indigenous culture behind every thread. From the pinukpok of the north to the malong of the south, it's the fiber of who we are. Movies. Still the cheapest form of entertainment, especially if you watch the same movie several times. Bahala na. We cope with uncertainty by embracing it, and are thus enabled to play life by ear. Papaitan. An offal stew flavored with bile, admittedly an acquired taste, but pointing to our national ability to acquire a taste for almost anything. English. Whether carabao or Arr-neoww-accented, it doubles our chances in the global marketplace. The Press. Irresponsible, sensational, often inaccurate, but still the liveliest in Asia. Otherwise, we'd all be glued to TV. Divisoria. Smelly, crowded, a pickpocket's paradise, but you can get anything here, often at rock-bottom prices. The sensory overload is a bonus. Barong Tagalog. Enables men to look formal and dignified without having to strangle themselves with a necktie. Worn well, it makes any ordinary Juan look marvelously makisig. Update Date November 5, 2001
  • WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF Manila IS ATTACKED?
  • Submitted by Sesenia O. After the tragedy in New York and Washington the question arises: WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF Manila IS ATTACKED? Well ... if that happens, there can be no comparison. That's because in Manila, we are much better prepared for these kind of attacks. 1. We do not have tall buildings. The only large structure that can be seen from above is the Marcos monument in Ilocos and terrorists are welcome to target that. 2. We all get on the job late in the morning specially government employess, so at 8:45 there won't be sufficient people to kill (well, even at 10 am!). 3. Fire fighters and police officers will do their utmost not to get to the spot in time. They will reach there just when everything is over, So there will be no casualties among them. 4. The national airline would surely have fouled up the terrorists plans by being delayed again or crash before even getting to the target due to mechanical trouble. 5. A Pinoy would not have used his cell phone to call home. He would've hit the terrorist with it over the head. 6. If a terrorist was living for one year in Manila he would've been robbed and molested so many times he would've given up and gone back to his home country long time ago. 7. In Manila, the terrorists would not have gotten the flight manual, they would've had to pay for it. You see... in Manila we are well prepared!
  • 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
  • By: Anonymous Submitted by Pepe. Filipinas. They make the best friends, lovers, wives. Too bad they can't say the same for Filipinos. Filipinos. So maybe they're bolero and macho with an occasional streak of generic infidelity; they do know how to make a woman feel like one. Catholicism. What fun would sin be without guilt? Jesus Christ is firmly planted on Philippine soil. Dolphy. Our favorite, ultra-durable comedian gives the beleaguered Pinoy everyman an odd dignity, even in drag. Style. Something we often prefer over substance. But every Filipino claims it as a birthright. Bad taste. Clear plastic covers on the vinyl-upholstered sofa, posters of poker-playing dogs masquerading as art, over accessorized jeepneys and altars--the list is endless, and wealth only seems to magnify it. Mangoes. Crisp and tart, or lusciously ripe, they evoke memories of family outings and endless sunshine in a heart-shaped package.Mangoes. Crisp and tart, or lusciously ripe, they evoke memories of family outings and endless sunshine in a heart-shaped package. Update Date November 12, 2001
  • 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
  • By: Anonymous Submitted by Pepe. Unbridled optimism. Why we rank so low on the suicide scale. Street food: Barbecue, lugaw, banana-cue, fishballs, IUD (chicken entrails), adidas (chicken feet), warm taho. Forget hepatitis; here's cheap, tasty food with gritty ambience. The siesta. Snoozing in the middle of the day is smart, not lazy. Honorifics and courteous titles: Kuya, ate, diko, ditse, ineng, totoy, Ingkong, Aling, Mang, etc. No exact English translation, but these words connote respect, deference and the value placed on kinship. Heroes and people who stood up for truth and freedom. Lapu-lapu started it all, and other heroes and revolutionaries followed: Diego Silang, Macario Sakay, Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Apolinario Mabini, Melchora Aquino, Gregorio del Pilar, Gabriela Silang, Miguel Malvar, Francisco Balagtas, Juan Luna, Marcelo H. del Pilar, Panday Pira, Emilio Jacinto, Raha Suliman, Antonio Luna, Gomburza, Emilio Aguinaldo, the heroes of Bataan and Corregidor, Pepe Diokno, Satur Ocampo, Dean Armando Malay, Evelio Javier, Ninoy Aquino, Lola Rosa and other comfort women who spoke up, honest cabbie Emilio Advincula, Rona Mahilum, the women lawyers who didn't let Jalosjos get away with rape. Flora and fauna. The sea cow (dugong), the tarsier, calamian deer, bearcat, Philippine eagle, sampaguita, ilang-ilang, camia, pandan, the creatures that make our archipelago unique. Pilipino songs, OPM and composers: "Ama Namin," "Lupang Hinirang," "Gaano Ko Ikaw Kamahal," "Ngayon at Kailanman," "Anak," "Handog," "Hindi Kita Malilimutan," "Ang Pasko ay Sumapit"; Ryan Cayabyab, George Canseco, Restie Umali, Levi Celerio, Manuel Francisco, Freddie Aguilar, and Florante--living examples of our musical gift. Metro Aides. They started out as Imelda Marcos' groupies, but have gallantly proven their worth. Against all odds, they continuously prove that cleanliness is next to godliness--especially now that those darned candidates' posters have to be scraped off the face of Manila! Update Date November 19, 2001
  • 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
  • By: Anonymous Submitted by Pepe. Sari-sari store. There's one in every corner, offering everything from bananas and floor wax to Band-Aid and bakya. Philippine National Red Cross. PAWS. Caritas. Fund drives. They help us help each other. Favorite TV shows through the years: "Tawag ng Tanghalan," "John and Marsha," "Champoy," "Ryan, Ryan Musikahan," "Kuwarta o Kahon," "Public Forum/Lives," "Student Canteen," "Eat Bulaga." In the age of inane variety shows, they have redeemed Philippine television. Quirks of language that can drive crazy any tourist listening in: "Bababa ba?" "Bababa!" "Sayang!" "Naman!" "Kadiri!" "Ano ba!?" "pala." Expressions that defy translation but wring out feelings genuinely Pinoy. Cockfighting. Filipino men love it more than their wives (sometimes). Dr. Jose Rizal. A category in himself. Hero, medicine man, genius, athlete, sculptor, fictionist, poet, essayist, husband, lover, samaritan, martyr. Truly someone to emulate and be proud of, anytime, anywhere. MORE ON NEXT UPDATE .........
  • BABY TALK
  • Submitted by Bong V. LETS TALK ABOUT BABIES.....Kapag umiiyak ang baby -- i PAMPERS mo, Kapag umiiyak pa rin -- i KIMBIES mo, Pag ayaw pa ring tumigil sa pag-iyak aba'y........ i HUGGIES mo na!! Update Date November 26, 2001
  • 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
  • By: Anonymous Submitted by Pepe. Ed's note: Might not be jokes but brings out a smile in you. Nora Aunor. Short, dark and homely-looking, she redefined our rigid concept of how leading ladies should look. Filipino Christmas. The world's longest holiday season. A perfect excuse to mix our love for feasting, gift-giving and music and wrap it up with a touch of religion. Relatives and kababayan abroad. The best refuge against loneliness, discrimination and confusion in a foreign place. Distant relatives and fellow Pinoys readily roll out the welcome mat even on the basis of a phone introduction or referral. Festivals: Sinulog, Ati-atihan, Moriones. Sounds, colors, pagan frenzy and Christian overtones. Folk dances. Tinikling, pandanggo sa ilaw, kari?sa, kuratsa, itik-itik, alitaptap, rigodon. All the right moves and a distinct rhythm. Native wear and costumes. Baro't saya, tapis, terno, saya, salakot, bakya. Lovely form and ingenious function in the way we dress. Sunday family gatherings. Or, close family ties that never get severed. You don't have to win the lotto or be a president to have 10,000 relatives. Everyone's family tree extends all over the archipelago, and it's at its best in times of crisis; notice how food, hostesses, money, and moral support materialize during a wake? Calesa and karitela. The colorful and leisurely way to negotiate narrow streets when loaded down with a year's provisions. Update Date December 3, 2001
  • 100 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING PINOY - Continuation
  • By: Anonymous Submitted by Pepe. Ed's note: Might not be jokes but brings out a smile in you. Quality of life. Where else can an ordinary employee afford a stay-in helper, a yaya, unlimited movies, eat-all-you-can buffets, the latest fashion (Baclaran nga lang), even Viagra in the black market? All Saints' Day. In honoring our dead, we also prove that we know how to live. Handicrafts. Shellcraft, rattancraft, abaca novelties, woodcarvings, banig placemats and bags, bamboo windchimes, etc. Portable memories of home. Hindi lang pang-turista, pang-balikbayan pa! Pinoy greens. Sitaw. Okra. Ampalaya. Gabi. Munggo. Dahon ng Sili. Kangkong. Luya. Talong. Sigarillas. Bataw. Patani. Lutong bahay will never be the same without them. OCWs. The lengths (and miles) we'd go for a better life for our family, as proven by these modern-day heroes of the economy. The Filipino artist. From Luna's magnificent "Spoliarium" and Amorsolo's sun-kissed ricefields, to Ang Kiukok's jarring abstractions and Borlongan's haunting ghosts, and everybody else in between. Hang a Filipino painting on your wall, and you're hanging one of Asia's best. Tagalog soap operas. From "Gulong ng Palad" and "Flor de Luna" to today's incarnations like "Mula sa Puso"--they're the story of our lives, and we feel strongly for them, MariMar notwithstanding. Midnight madness, weekends sales, bangketas and baratillos. It's retail therapy at its best, with Filipinos braving traffic, crowds, and human deluge to find a bargain. Update Date December 10, 2001
  • SAMOT-SAMOT
  • Submitted by Bong V. "Ang Asawa" 1st year masaya. After 5 years tanggalin ang A "sawa na". After 10 years tanggalin ang S "awa na lang". Sa susunod na taon tanggalin mong A "wa na!" Home version of who wants to be a millionaire: Husband: dear puede ka ba ngayon? Wife: di puede pagod ako! Husband: is that final? Wife: FINAL!!!! Husband:ok, can i phone a friend?!? Pag Americano umutot: EXCUSE ME! Pag British naman: PARDON ME! Pag Espanol: EXCUSAR POR QUE UTUTAR! Pag Pinoy: Di ako yun! Mamatay na ang umutot Update Date December 17, 2001
  • SAMOT-SAMOT II
  • Submitted by Bong V. Lovelines through the years: 1950s-Iniirog kita. 1960s-Iniibig kita. 1970s-Minamahal kita. 1980s-I love you. 1990s-Tara sa kwarto. 2000s-Pwede na rito. MRS: sa palagay mo, mahal, ilang taon na ako? MR : kung titignan kita sa buhok 18 ka lang; kung nakatalikod 16 lang, kung sa kutis 22 lang. Bale total ay 56 sweetheart. Update Date December 31, 2001
  • NEW FILIPINO-AMERICANIZED NAMES
  • Submitted by Pepe. Gregorio Talahib – GEORGE BUSH Macario Maldonado – MAC DONALD Victoria Malihim – VICTORIA SECRET Bienvenido Jurado – BEN HUR Juanito Lakarin – JOHNNY WALKER Esteban Magtaka – STEVIE WONDER Jaime Bondoc – JAMES BOND Leon Mangubat – TIGER WOODS Burgus Bahag-hari – BURGER KING Maria Calas – MARY KAY More on next update ... Update Date January 7, 2002
  • NEW FILIPINO-AMERICANIZED NAMES PART II
  • Submitted by Pepe. Francisco Portero – FRANK FURTER Diosdado Durante – DEO DORANT Roberto Controlado – BIRTH CONTROL Marcelo Controlado – MUSCLE CONTROL Carpio Llanes – CARPOOL LANES Julia Domingo – HOLY SUNDAY Maria Pascua – MERRY CHRISTMAS Ligaya Almundo – JOY T. WORLD Ligaya Añonuevo – HAPPY NEW YEAR Update Date January 14, 2002
  • PEDRO AND JUAN
  • Submitted by Pepe. The story is told about Pedro and Juan, two barriomates who accidentally bumped into each other and started comparing notes about their new life in the city. They shared their recent adventures and discoveries, and how indeed they had come a long way from their promdi ways and days. At one point Pedro asked, "By the way, what is meant by cooling place?" Juan answered "Oh, that's easy. When the phone rings, pick it up and say, ‘Hello, who is cooling place?'". Update Date January 21, 2002
  • SUROT
  • Submmitted by Pepe. May 2 surot at palagi silang magkasa,nag deside silang dalawa na maghiwalay muna sandali ng pamamasyal,kase lagi silang sa pusod nakatago, ngayon sabi ng isang surot,sige hiwalay muna tayo,doon ka sa pataas at ako naman sa paibaba,sabi ulit nila 2 mamaya na ulit tayo mag kuentohan sa ating pagkikita,sa madaling salita , nakapamasyal na sila ,di kumustahan na sila ,oh anong balita sa pamamasyal mo,ah ayos lang nakita ko doon sa itaas 2 bundok na saksakan ng lalaki at ang tatarik, eh ikaw ano namang balita sa iyong pamamasyal, ayos ba naman,heto sabi ng isang surot, naku sa pamamasyal ko napasuot ako sa isang madamong gubat at saksakan ng baho, para lang ako makapasok hinawi ko muna at bago ako pumasok, pero kasamang surot mamatay-matay naman ako sa antot,eh ano naman ang ginawa mo ng mapasok mo, naku nagpahinga muna ako at saka ako namaybay sa dalawang tabihan.ngayon sa pamamaybay ko nahulog ako sa ilalim,di tuloy ako makaahon pataas. Ngayon ang ginawa ko namahinga ako sa tabi maya maya nakita ko may pumasok na ahas at pilit akong inaabot, alam mo kasamahang surot labas pasok ang ahas at pilit akong inaabot, sa galit ng ahas dahil di yna ako maabot akalain mong dinoraan ako at alam mo ba kulay puti ang duro nya at mabaho, siguro badbreath ang ahas na yon. eh paano ka nakalabas di noong wala na ang ahas nag padulas ako palabas at sa toilet ako bumagsak, pag mamalasin ka nga naman... Update Date January 28, 2002
  • PAANO NAMATAY SI TATAY
  • Submitted by Pepe. Sa malaking lugar na bayan nakatira si Juan at pedro. Si Juan at Pedro isang taong gulang at sila ay magkapatid. Noong dumedede si Juan sa nanay nya ay dumedede rin si Pedro. At ganito ang ng yari>>>>>>>>>>> Juan: Gago tong kapatid ko ah.. halos ubusin na nya ang gatas ni nanay kaya wala tuloy akong ma dede. Pedro: heheh ang dami kong na dedede kay nanay, si kapatid na Juan kaya? Juan: Hmmmmmmmm..... Ano kayang gagawin ko para mawala marami akong ma dede kay nanay? Juan: AH HA, alam ko na lalagyan ko ng lason ang dinededehan ni Pedro para sya malason... noong gabing iyong umuyak si Juan,,, Juan: WAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAAA anong narining sya ng nanay nya ay binuhat sya at pinadede. kinuha ni Juan ang lason sa kanyang lampin at ipinunas sa kabilang dede ng kanyang nanay. pag katapos nyang ipunas ay nag tulog tulugan sya para sya ma ibalik sa kama nya... Nanay: Hay salamat at tulog narin si Juan.. maka balik na nga kay mister at maka "TULOG" Kinabukasan ay umiiyak ang nanay ni Juan at Pedro.... Juan: heheheh tagumpay tagumpay ang mission ko ilang oras na ang lumipas at umiiyak parin ang nanay ni Juan at Pedro.tanong ni Juan Juan: nanay bakit po kao umiiyak? (habang itinatago ang tawa nya) Nanay: Juan Juan...... Patay na ang tatay nyo......... Update Date February 4, 2002
  • 2ND GENERATION
  • You Know You're 2nd Generation Pilipino When..... 1) You understand a lot of Tagalog, but can hardly speak it. 2) Make fun of your parents' accents. 3) As a child, you were totally embarrassed to eat spaghetti with sliced hot dogs in it. Now, there is absolutely no way you will eat spaghetti without the hot dogs. In fact, you suggest to your non-Filipino friends that hot dogs make spaghetti taste better. 4) As a child, you hated being Filipino. 5) Now, you wear Pinoy Pride T-shirts. 6) You still wear Tsinelas (slippers). 7) You still take off your shoes when entering a house. 8) (Southern California) You've ever lived in Baldwin Park, Carson, Cerritos, the shitty part of L.A., West Covina, Walnut or Diamond Bar.(Northern California) You've lived in Union or Daly City. (Hawaii) You've lived in Kalihi or Waipahu or in a plantation town like Kihei, Kekaha, Kau, or Keaau 9) You don't steal things (i.e., towels, soaps, tissues, cups) hotel rooms like your parents did. And when you do take things, you deny that the action is not a Filipino trait. 10) You don't care if a T-shirt was made in the Philippines or the USA. As long as it has a designer label on it, you'll wear it. 11) You like shopping in small Filipino markets or the 99 Ranch, but you can't stand the way it smells in there. 12) As a child, you cursed your mom for feeding you Sinigang and Adobo all the time, instead of eating at McDonald's once in awhile. Now, it's a special treat when your mom cooks Sinigang or Adobo. 13) You know how to cook at least one Filipino dish. 14) You know what fried Tuyo smells like. 15) You don't go to church anymore. 16) Diniguan or "chocolate meat" still grosses you out. 17) You still exhibit "tightwad" traits like buying a small soda (instead of medium or large which costs 20 cents more) when it's all you can drink. 18) You'd rather wash dishes with your hands than use your dishwasher because it wastes more water. 19) You still like Lumpia and Pansit. 20) You say Paanset (American pronunciation) instead of Pansit. 21) You still like Lechon but the pig's head still freaks you out. 22) You still find Balut disgusting. 23) You think you're all that when you go back to the Philippines because you don't speak with an accent, your skin is fairer than the natives', and you have cool clothes - not hand-me-downs from relatives in the States. 24) You think all Filipino (VHS) movies are funny, even when the movie is a drama. 25) You actually believe that you could become a Filipino movie star back home because you think you're better looking than the Filipinos back home. 26) You can't stand to look at pictures of you as a young child because you looked like a Fob. (Hey, you were a Fob!) 27) You're disappointed at American parties where the only food to eat are small finger-type foods with names you can't pronounce. (How about those vegetable sticks? Yuk!) You're even more disappointed when there is meat being served, but no rice! (YES, THOSE VEGGIE STICKS AND FINGER FOODS...BORING PARTIES!!!) 28) You eat Kentucky Fried Chicken with rice. Screw the biscuits!(THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO EAT KFC THAN WITH RICE) 29) You still call your grandparents Lolo and Lola. 30) You dare not bring Balikbayan boxes with you when traveling back home! One suitcase will do just fine. 31) Sometimes your Filipino accent comes out accidentally and you get embarrassed about it. 32) Your non-Filipino friends and co-workers ask you if you've ever eaten dog. 33) Your college major was in computers, engineering, nursing or business. Filipinos don't major in philosophy, literature, history, sociology and other liberal arts. There's no money in it! 34) You think that President Marcos is still the Philippine resident. Do you know who the current president is? (NO) 35) You still eat Pandesal with butter, Vienna sausage or eggs.(IS THERE SOMETHING BETTER...DON'T THINK SO) 36) Your friends and coworkers don't call you by your Filipino nickname (i.e., Popoy, Bong, Jhun Jhun), although your family members and relatives still do. 37) Your parents' house still have the furniture you grew up with. 38) Although there are now creative ways to eat Spam, you still like it the classic Filipino way - fried with rice and ketchup. Same with corned beef except without the ketchup (FRIED SPAM WITH EGG & RICE...YUMMY - NOT WITH KETCHUP!) Update Date February 11, 2002
  • ANG KABAYO
  • Submitted by Pepe. Umuwi si Juan sa probinsya at may nakita siyang isang mahabang pila. Nakipila siya't tinanong ang lalaking nasa harap niya, "P're, anong meron at bakit kayo nakapila?" "Nakikita mo ba yung nasa kurtinang nasa harap ng pila?" tinuro nang lalaki ang pinagumpisahan ng pila, "sa likod ng kurtinang 'yon, may isang kabayo. Kapag napatawa mo yung kabayo bibigyan ka ng isang milyong pesos." Naghintay si Juan hanggang maging oras na niyang patawanin ang kabayo. Pumunta siya sa likod ng kurtina, tinabihan niya ang kabayo at binulungan. Pagkatapos niyang bulungan, biglang humalakhak nang napakalakas ang kabayo. Nagtaka ang mga tao kung paano niya nagawa 'yon. Pagkalipas ng isang buwan may paalis na si Juan para bumiyahe. Mayroon na namang panibagong pila. Nakipila na naman siya't nagtanong, "Para saan 'tong pila na 'to?" Sumagot ang lalaki nasa harap niya, "Naalala mo ba yung kabayong pinatawa mo dati? Isang buwan ng hindi tumutigil sa kakatawa. Ngayon magbibigay sila ng isang milyong pesos pag napaiyak nila ang kabayo." Naghintay ulit si Juan sa pila at nang oras na niya, pumasok siya sa likod ng kurtina. Pagka bukas niya ng kurtina, nakita ng mga taong umiiyak na ang kabayo. Nagtaka na naman ang mga tao. Gusto niyo malaman kung paano nagawa ni Juan 'yon? Ganito... nung unang beses niyang pinuntahan ang kabayo, ibinulong niya sa kabayo, "Hoy kabayo... mas malaki ang ari ko sa 'yo." Dahil dito, napatawa ang kabayo. Nung pangalawang dalaw niya sa kabayo, hinubad niya ang kanyang pantalon at pinakita niya ang kanya. At dahil doon, biglang napaiyak ang kabayo. Update Date February 18, 2002
  • PAYAT PERO HIGH BLOOD
  • Submitted by Pepe. Isang araw, may isang payat na payat na pasyente ang pumasok sa isang maliit na clinic para magpakunsulta. Sinalubong siya ng isang matandang doktor. Doktor: O, ano naman ang problema mo? Pasyente: Doc, gusto ko sanang magpatingin sa inyo dahil sa aking high blood. Doktor: Ba't mo naman nasabing high blood ka? E, ang payat-payat mo na nga at sa tingin ko'y wala ka na yatang dugo! Pasyente: Maniwala po kayo Doc, talaga pong sobra-sobra ang dugo ko! Doktor: Paanong nangyaring sumobra 'yang dugo mo? Pasyente: Kasi Doc... Suka ko dugo, tae ko dugo! (Sakit - TB at almoranas pala) Update Date March 4, 2002
  • MATANDA KA NA ......
  • Submitted by Pepe. kung ayaw mo nang sumama sa mga bata. kung ang lahat ng kasu-kasuhan mo ay tila masakit. kung ano ang hindi masakit ay ayaw ng gumalaw. kung alas-kuwatro pa lamang ng umaga ay gising ka na. kung ang tinitingnan mo sa pagkain ay ingredients. kung binibilang mo ang calories o fats ng iyong pagkain. kung tumatanda na ang mga anak mo. kung nag-enroll ka sa fitness gym, pero hindi naman nagpupunta. kung nakakalimutan mo ang susi mo sa kotse o sa loob ng bahay. kung alam na alam mo naman ang lahat subalit walang nagtatanong sa iyo. kung pinapatay mo ang ilaw hindi dahil sa ikaw ay malambing kundi dahil nagtitipid ka ng kuryente. Update Date March 11, 2002 kung nagliliwanag na ang iyong bumbunan. kung ayaw mong maniwalang may guhit na ang noo mo. kung ang kati-kati ng likod mo subalit hindi mo makamot dahil hindi mo maabot. kung sa pagyuko mo ay lumalagutok ang iyong likod. kung ipinauulit mo ang pangalan ng bago mong kaibigan. kung hindi mo na pinaghahandaan ang susunod mong kaarawan. kung inaaway ka ng asawa mo sa araw ng kanyang kaarawan. kung nakalimutan mo na ang anibersaryo ninyo ng asawa mo. kung nakakalimutan mong i-flush ang banyo pagkatapos mong gamitin. kung nakakalimutan mong itaas muli ang iyong zipper pagkatapos mong gamitin ang banyo. TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK ... Update Date March 18, 2002 Submitted by Pepe. kung ang paborito mong bisita ay ang iyong duktor. kung ang pinakaayaw mong bisita ay ang health insurance company. kung natutuwa kang magbasa ng legend stories o nanonood ng history channel. kung ang paborito mo pa ring artista ay laos na. kung ang kaparis ng iyong medyas ay kulay pula. kung may salamin ka na ay hindi pa rin makakita. kung nakakalimutan mo na ang birthday ng iyong biyenan. kung si Jaworski pa rin ang paborito mong basketbolista. kung naiinip ka na sa harapan ng stop lights. kung dumidikit ang iyong ngipin sa malagkit mong pagkain. kung sa pagdarasal mo ay nauuna ang Amen sa Ama Namin. Update Date March 25, 2002 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • PINOY HELL
  • The cynicism is so obvious the only ones who ignore it are the public officials... A Pinoy dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Filipino hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Filipino devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?" Because there is always a brownout, so the electric chair does not work.Somebody stole all the nails to sell it "por kilo". And the devil used to be a public official, so he comes in, punches his time-card, shakes hands with all the people waiting there and then goes back home..." Update Date April 1, 2002 Submitted by Pepe. Bakit masuwerte ang kalendaryo? Dahil marami siyang date. Bakit malungkot ang kalendaryo? Kasi bilang na ang araw niya. Scientific names: Cute - ahkoyansis Talented - ahkophayansis Romantic - ahkophariynyansis Lovable - ahkoulityansis Pangit - ahihkawnayansis Update Date April 8, 2002
  • BAKIT? (continued)
  • Submited by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Bakit ayaw ng mga babae ang kalendaryo? Kasi kung may period masungit at kasi kung wala takot. Bakit galit ang mga gurang na sa Kalendaryo? Kasi hindi na naka lista ang edad nila. Bakit gusto ng mga empleyado ang Kalendaryo? Kasi tuwing ikadalawang biernes ay sweldo. Bakit ayaw ng mga tao ang Kalendaryo? Kasi pag unang linggo ay bayaran na naman ng mga utang.
  • MAY SALA
  • Submitted by Pepe. VET: Sori po patay na aso niyo, pinaliguan kasi ng anak niyo na gamit laundry soap. MOTHER: E ano naman ang masama sa sabong panlaba? VET: Di siya sa sabon namatay kundi sa washing machine. Update Date April 15, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • MEN
  • A very interesting theory. Puro lalaki ang may sala.. MENtal illness... MENtal breakdown... MENstrual cramps... MENopause... ...Ever notice how all of women's problem start w/ MEN? Tama ba? Update Date May 20, 2002 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAYAMAN AND MAHIRAP
  • Kung mayaman ka, meron kang "allergy"; Kung mahirap ka,ang tawag dyan ay "galis" o "bakokang". Sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension and stress". Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo"; Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay" ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac"; Sa mahirap, ang tawag ay "magnanakaw" o "kawatan" Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric"; Kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo" o "may topak" o "may sayad". Kung mayaman ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine". Kung mahirap ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom"; Kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic". Pero kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba"; Kung ang senorita mo ay maitim, ang tawag ay "morena" o "kayumanggi". Pero kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita" o "baluga"; Kung nasa high society ka, you are called "slender" o balingkinitan"; Kung mahirap ka lang, you are plainly called "payatot" o "patpatin" o"ting-ting". Kung nasa high society ka pa rin at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay"petite"; Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot" o "unano" o "jabbar". Kung socialite ka, ikaw ay "pleasingly plump"; Kapag mahirap ka at ika'y "mataba", "tabatsoy" o "lumba-lumba", pag minamalas ka, "baboy". Kung well-off ka, at date ka rito, date ka roon, ang tawag sa iyo ay "game"; Kung mahirap ka ikaw ay "pakawala". Kung mayamang alembong ka ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated"; Pero kung isa kang dukha ang tawag sa iyo "malandi". Kung may pera ka ang tawag sa iyo "single parent"; Pero kung wala kang trabaho ang tawag sa iyo "disgrasyada". Health conscious ang tawag sa mayayamang puro gulay ang kinakain; Habang kakaawa ang mahirap na kumakain ng ganito. Sa exclusive school, "assertive" ang mga batang sumasagot sa mga guro. Pero pag ang mga mahihirap na bata ang sumasagot sa mga guro, ang tawag sakanila ay "walang hiya". Ang mayamang tumatanda, "are graduating gracefully into senior citizenhood"; Ang mga mahihirap ay "gumugurang". Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner"; Ang anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "gunggong". Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says, "masarap kang kumain and I like you, you do justice to my cooking"; Kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will say to himself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom" o "hampaslupa" o "masiba". Kung boss ka at binabasa mo ito sa PC mo, "okay lang"; Pero kung ikaw ay hamak na empleyado lamang, ikaw ay "nagbubulakbol" kaya forward mo na agad ito dahil nasa likod mo ang boss mo! Update Date May 27, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • CIVILIZED
  • IDOT: "Kumusta na? Long time no see ah!" BONI: "Kararating ko lang galing sa Africa." IDOT: "Africa?" BONI: "Doon kami nadestino." IDOT: "Hindi ba maraming cannibals doon?" BONI: "Nakakatakot nga, pero mga edukado na ngayon sila." IDOT: "Hindi na ba sila kumakain ng tao?" BONI: "Nangangain pa rin ng tao, pero gumagamit na ng kutsara!"
  • LAST WISH
  • Katatapos lang basbasan ng pari ang isang presong nakaupo sa silya-electrika. PARI: "Mayroon ka bang nais na hilingin bago ka bawian ng buhay?" PRESO: "Opo." PARI: "Ano yon, anak?" PRESO: "Pwede po bang hawakan n'yo ang kamay ko hanggang bawian ako ng buhay?" Update Date June 3, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • PINOY POETRY
  • about love .... Love is an intention, that goes with affection, with the intent of injection, done in the midsection, in a preferred position, during a private session. about sadness .... Ikaw ba'y nalulungkot, walang makausap at nabubugnot? Ba't di mo subukang umutot. Paligid mo'y babantot. Tanggal ang lungkot, Wala pang bugnot! Update Date June 10, 2002 Submitted by Pepe. ACCOUNTING TERMS - PINOY STYLE 1. Asset — Ari 2. Fixed Asset — Aring Nakatirik 3. Liquid Asset — Aring Tumutulo 4. Written-off Asset — Aring Pinutol 5. Cut-off time — Oras ng Pagputol 6. Depreciation — Pagkalaspag ng Ari 7. Fully Depreciated Asset — Aring Laspag na Laspag na 8. Earning Asset — Aring Ganado Pa 9. Non-Earning Asset — Aring Baldado na 10. Owned Asset — Sariling Ari 11. Other Asset — Ari ng Iba 12. Miscellaneous Asset — Mga Aring Pinagsamasama 13. Erroneous Entry — Mali ang Pagkapasok 14. Double Entry — Dalawa ang Pinasukan 15. Multiple Entry — Labas-pasok 16. Correcting Entry — Itinama ang Pagpasok 17. Reversing Entry — Baligtad ang Pasok 18. Tangible Asset — Aring Nasasalat 19. Dispensed — Nilabasan 20. Undispensed — Hindi Nilabasan Update Date June 17, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • JAPANESE TRANSLATION I
  • Is this your property? Arimoto? Yes, this is my property. Arikoto. Is this yours? Sayobato? This is mine. Sakinitu. Can I have it? Akinato? You can have it. Sayonato (sing.) Can we have it? Saminato? You can have it. Sanyonato (pl.) You haven't washed your face. Mimutamatamo. You've grown so thin! Kitanabutomo. We saw each other. Kitakami. We had a big get-together. Kitakitakami. Have a drink before you go. Tomakamuna. That was my assumption. Inakarako. Let's go quickly! Bachi-na-yota! We will boycott the election. Kaminoboto. Underarm odor. Kirikiripawa Are you a victim of discrimination? Minamatakaba? I give up. Sukonako. Ouch! Haraiku! What a sad life it is. Hainaku. I'm going to leave you. Sawanakosayo. Just take it! (Sayonarang!) You are very thin! (purobuto) You look like your mom/dad! (kamukamupapamu/kamukamumamamu!) She looks like you. (kamukamu.) Are you nervous? (kakabakaba?) Are you a loyal customer? (sukikaba?) Later. (sakana.) I surrender. (sukunako.) Just surrender. (sukunakasi.) Remember? (ara-aramo?) I remember. (ara-arako.) Go and work! (ararona!) Update Date June 24, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • JAPANESE TRANSLATION II
  • Q: Is this your car? A: Otomoto? Q: Is this my car? A: Otokoto? Q: Is this your noodles? A: Mikimoto A: Kukuninkoto Q: I'll take this. Q: This is my desk. A: Itodesko Q: Speechless? A: Wasabe? Q: I have a lot of things to do A: Hironako Q: An ampalaya (bittermelon)? A: Kurukurubot Q: What are your thoughts? A: Kuru-kuromo? Q: I am thinking. A: Munimuniko Q: Are you playing the guitar? A: Gigitaraka? Q: Is this your underwear? A: Jakeemoto? Q: Are you annoyed already? A: Iniskanabane? Q: You're crazy!!! A: Sirauromo!!! Q: You're drooling!!! A: Turorawayka!! Update Date July 1, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • MGA LUGAR IN A SENTENCE
  • PILIPINAS A: Hoy, maligo ka naman, puro hilamos ka na lang araw araw. B: Aba, buti nga naghihilamos ng buong katawan, si PILIPI NASpu naspu nga lang ng mukha e. TENNESSEE A: Ang lalaki na pala ng mga anak ni Mang Gorio ano?, mataas pa sa kanya o. B: Napakabilis nilang tumanda ano, eight years old na si Bobby, tapos TENNESSEE Cora. QUIAPO A: Lalabas ka na naman, huwag kang aalis ng walang sapin ang paa. B: Opo Lola, ano ang gusto niyong isuot ko, sapatos po ba, o baQUIAPO? MEYCAUYAN A: Ok itong drawing na ito ah, ikaw ba ang may gawa nito? B: Inay naman, alam mo namang putol ang mga kamay ko eh, si Romy ang MEYCAUYAN. PENNSYLVANIA A: Oops, may nakaiwan ng lapis dito, baka naiwan ito ni Rudy ah. B: Jojo, pakitanong mo nga kung PENNSYLVANIA ito o hindi? MIAMI A: Hi Baby, babay na, papasok na ako, susunod ka lagi sa Yaya mong tipo ni Itay ha? B: Inay, pag ikaw uwi na, guto to yoyipop, at taka tokoleyt, at taka MIAMI yayuan. PALAWAN A: Pasensiya ka na sa ginawa ni Entong ha, akala ko gulong lang ang ninakaw sa iyo eh. B: OO gulong lang, kaso mo kasama yung buong kotse, si Entong PALAWANted sa pulis. to be continued .... Update Date July 8, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • MGA LUGAR IN A SENTENCE PART II
  • MINDANAO A: Pinadalhan ako ni Isagani ng plane ticket para daw pumasyal ako sa Amerika. B: Mabuti naman at MINDANAO ng utang na loob sa iyo ang anak mo. KENTUCKY A: Ok ba itong bago kong soot na damit? Divisoria's Secret yan. B: Masyado yatang maluwang ang blusa, aba eh KENTUCKYlikili mo na ah. ALABANG A: Kumareng Gloria, pasensiyahan mo na itong nadala kong ulam para kay Boy. B: Naku si Mare nag-abala pa nang husto, este, Mare ALABANG kasamang sawsawan ito? BICOL A: Pambihira ka, sabi mo siguradong panalo na tayo, ayan pati kaluluwa ko nakasangla na. B; Masama pare ang masyadong mainitin ang ulo, relax ka lang pare, BICOL. ALABAMA A: Mom, sirit na ho kami, talagang hindi ho namin alam kung bakit Erap ang pangalan niya. B: Napakadali lang ng tanong ko sa inyo ah, ALABAMAkakasagot sa inyo nito? MEMPHIS A: Sobra ka na ha, porke natalo ang anak mo e kung ano-ano na ang sinasabi mo. B: Para nabiro ka lang na pango ang ilong ng anak mo eh, masyado ka namang MEMPHIS. ALASKA A: Pare pakitingin nga ng baraha ko kung may laban ito. B: Siguradong panalo ka na kasi apat na ALASKA sa kamay eh. LA LOMA A: Wow!, bilib na ako sa kotse ng utol mo, nakakaingit. B: Ano pare, LA LOMA ka sa ganda ng tsekot niya ano? to be continued .... Update Date July 15, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • MGA LUGAR IN A SENTENCE PART III
  • MINDORO A: Pare, paano tayo papasok diyan? B: Ang tanga-tanga mo naman eh, ayan MINDORO. POLYNESIA A: Hey Precy, is it true that Paul is still hiding in Europe? B: Well, the cops cannot find him in Europe, however, they found POLYNESIA. ISTANBUL A: Tisoy, hindi ba paborito mo si Ringo Starr?, ano sa Tagalog ang "Drum"? B: The Tagalog word for Drum ISTANBUL. MISSISSIPPI A: Hoy Normita ano ka ba?, bilis-bilisan mo naman at mahuhuli na tayo sa date natin. B: Sandali lang Aida, atog na atog ka naman eh, MISSISSIPPIlyo lang po ako ano. SANTOLAN A: Sige na Bayani tumula ka pa, nagustuhan nila eh, sige na naman. B: O sige, basta SANTOLANa lang ha?. VALENZUELA A: Aling Belen, bakit naman ho ang bagal bagal ninyong maglakad. B: Damontres na ito ah, nakita mo nang VALENZUELAs ng sapatos ko e. PAETE A: Tikim ka nang tikim, e hinde ka naman pala bibile. B: Una, kulang ang perang bigay po ninyo, pangalawa, lasa kasing maPAETE. Update Date July 22, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • THE TOUGHEST PINOY
  • Three friends, a German, a Japanese and a Pinoy are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie. A night of tall tales begins. The German says, "I must be the meanest, toughest person there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The Japanese can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The Pinoy remained silent, walking around on burning coals with bare feet. Update Date July 29, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • JEEPNEY DRIVERS
  • A Manila Jeepney driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the driver, Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the Jeepney driver and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a Manila Jeepney driver." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the Manila Jeepney driver drove his Jeep, people prayed." Update Date August 5, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • MORE JAP TRANSLATION
  • Uod - Burat-te Ahas - maraking burat-te Hindi na virgin - wasakiki Ano sa Hapon ang Baboy? Kamuka-mo Ano sa Hapon ang gwapo? Kamuka-ko Ano sa Hapon ang Kalbo? Bemboroko Update Date August 12, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • CIVILIZED NA
  • IDOT: "Kumusta na? Long time no see ah!" BONI: "Kararating ko lang galing sa Africa." IDOT: "Africa?" BONI: "Doon kami nadestino." IDOT: "Hindi ba maraming cannibals doon?" BONI: "Nakakatakot nga, pero mga edukado na ngayon sila." IDOT: "Hindi na ba sila kumakain ng tao?" BONI: "Nangangain pa rin ng tao, pero gumagamit na ng kutsara!" Update Date August 19, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • KALBO
  • Si Alma ay seloso at palaging tsine - check ang kanyang babaerong mister tuwing uuwing galing ng opisina. Isang araw galing sa klub si Joey... Alma : Ano ka ba naman tingnan mo itong polo mo may buhok na kulay blonde, siguro Americana ang ka-table mo ano.. Hudas!!! Joey : Hindi kumain lang ako ng mais at nadikit yung buhok (palusot lang) Kinabukasan.... Alma : Ano ba naman kahapon blonde ngayon kulot naman... walanghiya ka talaga.. Joey : (palusot uli) hindi nadikit lang nanghiram lang ako ng suklay sa kumare mong kulot sa opisina kanina. (lusot ulit) Kinabukasan talagang sobrang pagiingat ang ginawa ni lalaki upang hindi na mabisto, pinagpag muna niya ang damit bago umuwi... Alma: Walanghiya ka talaga pati kalbo pinapatulan mo na ngayon!! Update Date August 26, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • NAGBAGO NA
  • Nagbalikbayan ang Joey para bisistahin ang asawang Alma: Alma: Honey, ang mga sigarilyo ba'y para sa kamag-anak natin? Joey: OO. Hindi na ako naninigarilyo, nagbago na ako. Alma: Itong mga alak, sa kamag-anak rin natin? Joey: Oo, hindi na ako umiinom, nagbago na ako. Alma: Siguro itong make-up kits para sa akin. Joey: Hoy bruha, para sa akin 'yan. Di ba sabi ko, nagbago na akwo. Update Date Sept. 2, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • KINDS OF SURGERY
  • removal of breast- MASTECTOMY removal of bad breath- DONTOCTOMY removal of virginity- GIVITTOMY removal of body odor- DONTGONIRMY.! Update Date Sept. 9, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • Some Text Messaging Short Cuts
  • TB - Text Back TT - Text Tayo TTLAKI - Text Tayo Later AKo Intay KKLIIT - Kuripot Ka, Lagi Intay Ikaw Text PUKIMO - Pag Uwi Ko I-text Mo ko, Okey? Update Date Sept. 16, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • TANGA TALAGA
  • Misis: Ang tanga-tanga ko ng pinakasalan kita!! Mr.: ALAM ko! pero in-love ako sa iyo noon kaya hindi ko na lang pinansin ang pagka TANGA mo.
  • ISDA
  • ANO ANG SABI NG BANGUS NANG MAMAMATAY NA SIYA? Ans:"I'M DAING!" ANO ANG SABI NG ISDA NG NAHATI SIYA? Ans:"I'M TUNA!" Update Date Sept. 23, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • UTOS NI HEPE
  • Pulis: Bayad ko sa kape, o. Intsik: Aba, bakit ka bayad? Pulis: Utos ni hepe, wala nang kotong. Intsik: Aba sige, simula ngayon hindi na ako dura sa kape mo. Update Date Sept. 30, 2002 Submitted by Pepe. The story is told about a nervous Filipino who was taking his first plane ride. After dinner, the stewardess approached his seat and asked him: "Are you DONE, sir?" Pinoy: "No, I'm Jun." Stewardess: "I mean, are you FINISHED?" Pinoy: "No, I'm Filipino." Stewardess: "What I am asking is whether you are THROUGH!" Pinoy: "Why, what do you think of me, false?" Update Date Oct. 7, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • MGA BAKIT PART I
  • Bakit nahihiya ang mga biik ?? Sagot: paano NANAY kasi nila BABOY Bakit nahihiya ang mga batang kambing ?? Sagot: kasi NANAY nila Balbasarado Bakit ang manok ay tumitingala kapag umiinom ?? Sagot: kasi Tinatanong nila sa TAAS na kung bakit hindi sila naiihi pero inom naman sila ng inom. Paano matulog ang KUBA?? Sagot:eh di nakapikit.. Paano mo malalaman kung ang tao sa loob ng banyo ay babae o lalake ?? Sagot: eh di hintayin mong lumabas.. Update Date Oct. 14, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • MGA BAKIT PART II
  • Anong Puno ang hindi pwedeng akyatin ?? Sagot eh di yung NAKATUMBA.. Ano ang pwede mong gawin sa GABI na hindi mo pwedeng gawin sa UMAGA ?? Sagot: eh di MAGPUYAT. Ano ang nagagawa ng LIMANG lalake na hindi kayang gawin ng LIMANG babae ?? Sagot eh di UMIHI NG SABAY SABAY SA ARINOLA. Update Date Oct. 21, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • NEW PINOY LINGO I
  • 1. aspect - pantusok ng yelo 2. backlog - bacon saka egg 3. beehive - magpakatino ka 4. cdrom - tingnan mo ang kwarto 5. city - bago mag-utso 6. cattle - doon nakatila ang hali at leyna 7. debug - ang ipis 8. dedicated - pinatay ang pusa 9. deduct - ang pato 10. defeat - ang paa 11. defense - ang bakod 12. defer - ang balahibo 13. deflate - ang plato 14. defrag - ang palaka 15. delusion - e di maluwag 16. depends - (see defense) 17. deposit - ang gripo 18. depress - nagkasal sa persuading (see persuading) 19. detail - ang buntot 20. detest - ang eksamin Update Date Oct. 28, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • NEW PINOY LINGO II
  • 21. devalue - ‘yon ang susunod sa letrang ‘V’ 22. devastation - ‘dun sasakay ng bus 23. devote - ang boto 24. dilemma - brownout, a! 25. effort - ‘dun nagla-land ang efflane 26. forums - apat na kwarto 27. it depends - kainin mo ang bakod 28. july - nagsinungaling ka ba? 29. statue - ikaw ba ‘yan? 30. protestant - tindahan ng prutas. 31. predicate - pakawalan mo ang pusa 32. profit - patunayan mo 33. persuading - unang kasal 34. tenacious - sinusuot sa paa 35. thesis - ito ay 36. torpedo - takot manligaw 37. zoology - ang sayans ng pagtatahi Update Date Nov. 4, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • ANG ULAM
  • Kulas: Kumusta ang bakasyon, Tulume Tulume: Masama. Sabado, napilay ang manok ni tiyong, ang ulam namin, tinola. Linggo, napilay ang baboy, ang ulam namin, litson. Kanina, napilay si tiyong, ang ulam namin, hindi ko inalam. Kumain ako sa labas. Update Date Nov. 11, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • AWAY
  • Nag-aaway ang dalawang tanga Kulas: Ano ba ang gusto mo, away o gulo? Tomas: Away na lang para walang gulo! Update Date Nov. 18, 2002 Submitted by Pepe.
  • BAKIT MAY BLACK-EYES
  • Misis: Dir, bakit may black eyes ka? Mister: Paakyat kasi ako sa eskaleytor sa megamol. Napansin ko na naipit yung mini-skirt ng babaing nasa unahan ko sa pagitan ng kaniyang puwit. Ini-stretch ko. Tapos, hinarap niya ako at sinuntok ako sa kaliwang mata. Misis: Naiintindihan ko yon. Pero paano mo nakuha yung black-eye mo sa kanang mata? Mister: E kasi, akala ko gusto niyang nakaipit talaga yung palda niya, kaya ibinalik ko ulit. Update Date Nov. 25, 2002 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • BRA SIZE
  • Gusto ng isang mister na magregalo ng bra para sa kanyang misis, ngunit hindi niya alam kung anong size ang bibilhin. Salesgirl: Sinlaki ho ba ng papaya ang boobs ni misis? Mister: Hindi. Salesgirl: Mala-mansanas? Mister: Hindi. Salesgirl: Ahhh? parang itlog? Mister: Oo! Pero prito, ha?! Update Date Dec. 2, 2002 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • PUTO
  • Sa airport canteen, umorder ang isang Amerikano Kano: Miss, will you please give me one few two? Tindera: What, sir? Kano: I said one few two.? Tindera: Oh, puto! Kano: Yeah, that's right! Sa loob-loob ng tindera, tangna! Puto lang, pino-few two few two pa! Gagantihan ko siya!? Tindera: Okey, sir? what color do you want? few la? or few ti? Update Date Dec. 9, 2002 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • KUMPISAL
  • Tulume: Father, patawarin po ninyo ako. Pari: Ano ang kasalanan mo? Tulume: Nagnakaw po ako ng limang manok. Pari: Magdasal ka ng limang Ama Namin. Tulume: Father, walong Ama Namin na po ang dadasalin ko. Babalikan ko pa 'yung naiwang tatlong manok. Update Date Dec. 16, 2002 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • ADVICE
  • A couple placed an ad, "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter." Responses: Yank: Keep trying! Briton: Change doctor! Aussie: Follow a special diet. Indian: Practice Yoga! Pinoy: LET ME TRY!
  • POP CONTROL
  • Population policies of countries: China: Stop at 1 child. Singapore: Stop at 2 children Pinoy: STOP AT 4 A.M.! Update Date Dec. 23, 2002 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • RANSOM
  • May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke bar ay inabot ng 5 am. Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng: "HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"
  • HIWALAY
  • Husband: "Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!" Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!" Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!" Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!" Update Date Dec. 30, 2002 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 1) Sa harap ng nursery school; Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay? Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo! 2) Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife and carried her. Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this? Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross! Update Date Jan. 6, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • SARI-SARI
  • Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng shoes mo, ah!" Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!" Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?" Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!" Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can turn men into women. After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable, irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting !" Our brain is made up of 2 parts, the left and the right part. With our politicians, the problem is that: The LEFT has nothing RIGHT in it, and The RIGHT has nothing LEFT in it! Update Date Jan. 13, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • GATAS
  • Mga lasa ng gatas ng babae? 1. Dalagita? fresh milk 2. Dalaga? pasteurized 3. Bagong kasal? skimmed 4. Matagal nang kasal? yogurt 5. Matandang dalaga? taho 6. Lola? tokwa Update Date Jan. 20, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • ABOUT EGGS
  • Limang klase ng egg preservation? Maalat-alat: salted egg iyan. Maitim: century egg. Mabuhok: balut iyan. Mabaho: bugok iyan. Malibag: bah! bayag na yan! Update Date Jan. 27, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • SAMOT-SAMOT
  • Sa isang ospital, pagkatapos ng operasyon: Pasyente: Dok, bakit ganito ang operasyon sa ulo? Halos kita na ang utak ko? Dok: Okey iyan. At least, open-minded ka na ngayon. Inday: Sir, karamihan pala ng nakalibing sa sementeryo,ginahasa! Sir: Paano mo nalaman? Inday: Kasi, nakalagay sa lapida nila? RIP! Update Date Feb.3, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • MAS MARAMI
  • Ano ang mas maraming sakay, jeepney o ambulansya? SAGOT: Siyempre, ambulansya! Kasi, ang jeepney, 10-10 lang bawat side, samantalang sa ambulansya, madalas na 50-50 ang sakay. Update Date Feb.10, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • MALALIM
  • Losing your teethwill lessen your sexual drive, according to chinese "Pak ikaw wala ipen, Wala kan-tooth" Bakit ang lalaki nabibingi pag humahalik? Kasi natatakpan ng HITA ang 2 ears! Update Date Feb.17, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • ANO-ANO
  • Ano ang tawag sa boobs na maliit? ABOT-KAMAY, ano naman ang tawg sa boobs na malaki? KAPOS-PALAD, eh sa flat-chested? SAWING-PALAD. Anong pinagkaiba ng ulap sa pubic hair? A .yung ulap pag hinawi mo,ulap parin, B. yung pubic hair pag hinawi mo langit na. Update Date Feb.24, 2003 Submitted by Solivar.
  • PINOY VALENTINE POEM
  • you are the... apple of my eye, mango of my pie, palaman of my tinapay, teeth of my suklay, fingers on my kamay, blood in my atay, bubbles of my laway, sala of my bahay, foundation of my tulay, seeds of my palay, clothes in my ukay-ukay, calcium in my kalansay, calamansi on my siomai, inay of my tatay, knot on my tie, toyo on my kuchay, vitamins in my gulay, airplane of my Cathay, stars of my sky, hammer of my panday, sand of my Boracay, sultan of my Brunei, highlands of my Tagaytay, mole on my Ate Guy, baba of my Ai-Ai, voice of my Inday Garutay, spinach of my Popeye, sizzle when I fry, wind when I paypay, tungkod when I'm pilay, feeling when I'm high, shoulder when I cry, wings when I fly, prize when I vie, cure to my "ARAY!", answer to my "WHY?", truth behind my lie, the life after I die... In short, you're the center of my buhay :-) Good day! Update Date March 3, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • Pinoy interviews (circa 70's , 80's and 90's] PART 1
  • Eddie Mercado: "Of the three titles at stake, which would you want to win? Finalist: "I want to win the Bb. Pilipinas Universe because it honor to represent the Philippines in the whole Universe!" BINIBINING PILIPINAS CIRCA 70's **************** Alma Moreno wrapping up the conversation with guest Joey in her now defunct show Rated A. Joey de Leon was the co-host. Alma: "So Joey, paki ulit muli yung concert mo sa University of Belt." Joey de leon: "Ness naman eh, kaya tayo pinagtatawanan eh, University Belt!" Update Date March 10, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Joey: "Ano ang favorite movie mo, Tagalog o English?" Discorama Girl contestant: "BOT!" Vic: "So favorite mo talaga si Edgar Mortiz!" **************** Joe Quirino: "Sharon, are you familiar with the current problems we have in the film industry?" Sharon: "Sorry, Tito Joe, I'm afraid not." JQ: "What about you Myra, what can you say?" Myra Manibog: "Naku Tito Joe, I'm afraid also!" Update Date March 17, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Joey de Leon: "How are you?" Miss Gay Philippines contestant: "How are you too!" ***************** Eddie Mercado: "Angie Dickinson has insured her legs for a million dollars, would you also do the same?" Melanie Marquez: "No, of course no, because I am proud and contented with my long legged." With this answer, she bagged the crown and eventually won the Miss International in 1978. ***************** Joe Cantada interviewing Freddie Hubalde (of Crispa) after winning MVP in the All-Filipino League Joe: "Congratulations Freddie. What can you say after winning the championship and the MVP?" Freddie: "Ahh... I want to tengk my paderr... Ahh... My maderr.. and ahh...most especially... my parents..." ****************** Update Date March 24, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. JULIE YAP DAZA GUESTING ON VILMA! JULIE: "O Vi nag-guest na ko dito sa show. Ikaw,kailan ka naman mag-ge-guest sa show ko?" VILMA: "Alam mo naman Tita Julie, busy kami ni Ralph sa pag-a-arrange ng kasal namin. Siguro pagkatapos na lang ng marriage!" ****************** "Salamat po sa Board of Judges. Ito na ho yata ang pinakamaligaya kong pasko at manigong bagong taon sa inyong lahat." - MELANIE MARQUEZ'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR WINNING BEST ACTRESS IN A METRO FILMFEST Update Date March 31, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • PINOY WEAKEST LINK PART I
  • Host: What "N"(narra) is the Nat'l tree of the Phils? Contestant: niyog? Host: Mas matigas pa diyan Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!! ============ Host: Saang "B" (bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal? Contestant: sa Back? Host: O sige, pwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (luneta) Contestant: Likod? Host: hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng Modern name niya (Rizal park) Contestant: Rear Part? (susme!likod pa rin yun!!) ============= Host: Saang "B" (beach) tayo Madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo? Contestant: Banyo? Host: Hinde,pag pumunta ka dun, maaarawan ka. Contestant: Bubong? Host: Hinde, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng Naka-bikini. Contestant: BEERHOUSE! Update Date April 7, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • PINOY WEAKEST LINK PART II
  • Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard)ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod? Contestant: Lifebuoy? Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng taong ito Contestant : Safeguard? Host:Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo. Contestant: Safe Buoy? Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan. Contestant: Si MR. CLEAN! ========== Host: Anong "S" (salbabida) ang ginagamit na Floatation device sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod? Contestant: Sirena? Host: Hinde! Hindi ito babae. Contestant: Siyokoy? Host: Hindi ito Lalake. Contestant: Siyoke? =========== H: What "S" (sampaguita)is the nat'l flower of the Phils? C: Sunflower? H: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa Kalye. C: Stork? H: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh. C: Sitsarong bulaklak? H: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A" C: Sitsarong bulaklak na may sukA? H: O, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa! Ano ang pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos sa letrang "A" at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?! C: si..Sharon CunetA! Update Date April 14, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • PINOY WEAKEST LINK PART III
  • H: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster of Asia? (EUGENE TORRE) C: Carole KING? H: hindi, mas mababa sa king C: Al QUINN? H: hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya. C: armida siguion-REYNA? H: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna. C: BISHOP bacani? H: mas mababa sa bishop. C: Johnny midNIGHT? H: mas mababa sa Knight C: Jerry PONS? H: O ayan ha, nabanggit mo na lahat ng Piyesa sa Chess. Yung kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang. C: Sylvia laTORRE! =============== (The best part po ito!) Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500peso bill? Clue: may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino) Contestant: N-ora A-unor? Host: Hindi.Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y". Contestant: guY A-unor? Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador. Contestant:Si Former Senator Guy Aunor? Host: Hindi. Patay na siya. Contestant: ANO?!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!! At dito po nagtatapos mga kaibigan ang weakest link pinoy style, dahil nag-amok na ang host sa kunsumisyon! Hehehehe Update Date April 20, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. A couple placed an ad: "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter." Responded: Yank: Keep trying! Briton: Change doctor! Aussie: Follow a special diet. Indian: Practice Yoga! Pinoy: LET ME TRY! *** Population policies of countries: China: Stop at 1 child. Singapore: Stop at 2 children Philippines: STOP AT 4 A.M.! *** Husband: Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo! Wife: Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak! Husband: Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda! Wife: Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya! Update Date April 28, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Misis: Hudas ka! lagi kang umuuwing lasing. Naaasar na tuloy ako sa mukha mo. Mister: Pero mahal, kung hindi ako lasing, ako naman ang maaasar sa mukha mo! *** MISIS: Lolokohin ko mister ko. Magpapanggap akong "pick-up girl" dito sa may kanto namin. (Pagkita kay mister:) Hi, pogi! available ako ngayon. MISTER: Ayoko sa iyo. Kamukha mo misis ko! *** Husband: Ang iniiyakan ko lang naman eh bakit gumaganti ka ng kadyot habang ginagahasa ka ng tulisan?! Wife: Hay naku, Honey...SELF DEFENSE lang yung akin! *** MATANDANG MATRONA: Sa palagay mo, mahal, ilang taon na ako? D.I. : Kung titignan kita ng sideview, 18 ka lang; kung nakatalikod 16 lang; kung nakaharap 22 lang. Bale total ay 56 sweetheart. *** Dalawang mag-barkada nag-uusap: Mike: Bakit lumaki yung paa ni Amy? Jun: Sinipa yung punso! Mike: Bakit lumaki yung nguso ni Fe? Jun: Dinuraan yung punso. O pare saan ka pupunta? Mike: Iihi sa punso! Update Date May 5, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Types of couples: 1. Boy Gwapo + Girl Ganda = Nagmamahalan 2. Boy Gwapo + Girl Panget = Pinikot! 3. Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Tinutukan! 4. Boy Panget + Girl Pangit = Pasensyahan *** Sa isang kumbento, merong isang curious na hardinero. Nagtataka siya sa mga madre na halos araw-araw eh may binubuhat ng kung ano. Isang araw na nagkaroon ng meeting ang mga madre, sinamantala ito ni Mang Juan at pumasok siya sa loob ng bodega ng kumbento. Nakita niya ang mga istatwang nude. Nang may maramdaman siyang dumarating, agad siyang nag-isip ng paraan . Wala siyang makitang lugar na pagtataguan kung kaya't naghubo siya't nag-anyong istatwa. MADRE: Saan kaya galing itong isang ito? MANG JUAN: I am the Statue of Liberty! MADRE: (Itinuro ang organ ni Mang Juan) Ano naman kaya itong mahabang ito? MANG JUAN: That is the torch of liberty! Sa paghimas ng madre ay may lumabas na maputi at malapot na bagay. MADRE: Ano naman kaya itong malapot na ito? MANG JUAN: Yan ang Liberty Condensed milk! Update Date May 12, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • SARS IN RP
  • Further research into the beginning of SARS has led to interesting discoveries that it was actually discovered in the Philippines long time ago. It was then known by a simpler name, SAR or A-SAR. Just like SARS, it spread very rapidly through face-to-face personal contacts. ASAR - a carrier person who may infect others. ASAR TALAGA - a person who is very contagious; very dangerous to approach; needs attention by healthy persons only. NANG-A-A-SAR - a person who is maliciously spreading the disease. NAASAR - a person who is infected with the disease. NAGKA-ASARAN - the process of transmitting the disease to others. PANG-ASAR - Any medium of spreading the disease. NAASAR TALAGA - A person in very serious condition; needs quarantine; could be fatal. ASARAN NA - when a group or community is already infected. NAPIKON - a victim of ASAR who is beyond recovery; should not be touched by anybody, not even friends or relatives. Update Date May 19, 2003
  • DAN BALIKBAYAN FROM BICOL
  • Dumating si Dan sa Amerika sa tuloNg nang kanyang kumpare na may kontak sa immigration sa Pilipinas. Medyo tagilid ang papeles niya kaya masyado siyang maingat (TNT). Ayaw man lang lumabas ng bahay si Dan kung hindi kasama ang kanyang kumpare. Eh minsan, nagsawa na ang kanyang kumpare sa kaaalalay sa kanya. "Pareng Dan," Sabi ni kumpareng itinatago ang inis, "Heto ang susi ng kotse, at mga credit cards ko. Mag-shopping ka naman sa mall, lumbabas ka naman ng bahay nang malibang ka naman. Kung may problema ka, tawagan mo ako sa telepono sa opisina, papasok na ako." Eto na po, dahil na siguro hiyang-hiya na rin si Dan, kahit nerbiyos na nerbiyos ang kulokoy, sinubukan niyang lumabas. Tuwang-tuwa si tarantado (Dan) sa pamamasyal sa mall. Nakapili ng damit na gusto niya, pero pagdating sa cashier, biglang tanong sa kanya Sir! Visa, or MasterCard!? Biglang nataranta at natakot si Dan, todo-panic ika nga! Karipas ng takbo palabas si Dan, dahil sa takot! "Aba!, tinamaan ng lintik at hinahanap ang visa ko!" sabi ni Dan, "Baka nabisto na ako!, Shet!" Sakay kaagad siya nang kotse ni kumpare, haruruot!. Kaso, halos wala nang gas ang sasakyan kaya huminto siya sa isang gas station. Nang maglagay siya nang gas, biglang nagsalita ang cashier sa speaker, "Sir!, pay first please!". "Naku, patay! Papers daw! Hinahanap ang papers ko!" Nagtatakbo si Dan sa maga eski-askinita hanggang makakita siya ng pay phone. Patago-tago siyang lumapit sa pay phone.(hingal)Kailangang...(hingal) ... matawagan ko .... (hingal) si Kumpare ... (hingang malalim, sabay lulon) para masundo niya ako rito ... (hingal). Pagtaas niya ng telepono, narinig niya, "AT&T, how may I help you?" ... ..... "Aba, Anak ng putakteh!, alam na TNT ako! Buking na ako!" Pagbaba niya ng telepono, may amerkanong nakatayo sa likod niya, ang tanong ba naman..... "Are you done?". Napahandusay si Dan sa phonebooth. Biglang bulalas, "Buray kan ina!, alam pa ang pangalan ko!" Sa gulat ng amerkano ..... "Hey! be cool, man!", "Hinakupo," sabi ni Dan, "Alam pa kung taga-saan ako!". Sa matinding takot at nerbiyos ni Dan, nagpahuli na lang siya. Ngayon si Dan ay nasa Bicol na muli at binansagan siyang si "Dan Balikbayan". Update Date June 16, 2003 Naglalakad nagtetext nasagasaan - PATAY! Kumakain nagtetext nabilaukan - PATAY! Nagdadrive nagtetext nabangga - PATAY! May celfon walang nagtetext - NAGPAKAMATAY! ============================= Grabe talaga ang mga iba diyan. Mahirap intindihin...... sa kanila ang malambot "SUP", ang sabaw "SUP", ang sabon "SUP" pa rin. ============================= ANAK: 'Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner? ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!! =========================== Mr. 1: Wow, first year wedding anniversary niyo na, anong gift mo sa Misis mo? Mr. 2: Dadalhin ko siya sa Africa! Mr. 1: Sarap naman, eh next year ano naman ang gift mo? Mr. 2: Kukunin ko siya pabalik!!! ========================= What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a wooden chair and a wooden engine? Ans: It wooden start!!! Update Date June 23, 2003
  • MANIGAS KA DIYAN
  • There was this Pinay named Maria who was born and raised in Olongapo City. She met her husband, John while he was stationed at Subic Bay Naval Base. Maria doesn't have an excellent command of the English language, but she and John manage to communicate. One day, Maria decided to cook a big dinner for John, so she called John up at work and told him to come home straight from work. John and his co-workers had been working long hours trying to finish up a project their admiral had assigned weeks ago, so they were excited to finally finish it. They decided to go to the ship's chow hall to celebrate. When John came home around midnight, he realized he forgot about the dinner that Maria had made for him. As Maria came out of the kitchen, John began to explain. "Honey, I'm really sorry. The guys decided to celebrate a little bit, so we ended up eating at the ship." "Ah, like that, ha? I cook the house for you, you eat the ship!" "Honey, I'm really sorry," begged John. "Ahh! Don't sorry to me! From now, you do your do, I do my do! You harden there!" (Tagalog translation: Ah, ganon ha? Pinagluto kita dito sa bahay, kumain ka naman sa barko! Mula ngayon, gawin mo ang gusto mong gawin, gagawin ko ang gusto kong gawin! MANIGAS KA DIYAN!) So there, my friends, is Maria's story. If you didn't find it as funny, oh well... YOU HARDEN THERE! :) Update Date June 30, 2003 This is a Filipino making a long distance phone call.... Operator: AT&T, How may I help you? Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis. Operator: Name of the party you're calling? Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis? Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling? Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu. Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically. Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali? Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter. Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io, and o as in o. Operator: Sir, can you please use English words. Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe, E as in important, and L as in elephant. Operator hangs up the phone. Pinoy: Putris, mahirap intindihin tung mga Markano. English na nga hindi pa alam kung papaano. Then bangs the phone in anger. Update Date July 7, 2003 Two married men talking... 1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel. 2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa. ========================== Wife : Love, mahal mo ba ako? Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh. Wife : Enjoy ka ba sa akin? Husband: Siyempre, asawa kitae h. Wife : Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako? Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh. ========================= Anak : Tays ! kakains nas tayos ! Tatay : Hoy ! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha ! Ano ba ang ulam ? Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA ! Update Date July 14, 2003 BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng " cooling place " ? BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihin mo " Hilow, hus cooling place? ======================== A man wanted to buy bra for his wife but doesn't know the size. Salesgirl ask : " Is it as big as papaya ? " Man replied : " No " Salesgirl : " an apple " Man : " No " Salesgirl : " ahh..an egg ? " Man : " YES , but fried ! " ======================= Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng BF mo? Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh ! Girl 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o nanay niya ? Girl 2 : yung misis niya ! Update Date July 21, 2003 A Filipino, a Black man, and a White guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can date me for tonight." So the White guy says "I love liver and cheese." She says "That's not good enough" The Black man says "I hate liver and cheese" She says "That's not creative" Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!" =========================== What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the Philippines? Ans: In the US, they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to US! Update Date July 28, 2003 Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap? Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan! Pag Bumbay - 5-6! Pag Kano - credit card! E pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!! ========================= TEACHER: What is the formula for water? BITOY: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O TEACHER: That's not what I taught you. BITOY: But you said the formula for water was...H to O. ========================= Lulubog na ang barko... PARI: San Pedro, San Jose... MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara... INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo! Update Date August 4, 2003 Submitted gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Pare1 : Ang tanga talaga ng kapitbahay ko. Pare2 : Bakit p're? Pare1 : Ang pagka-intindi niya sa LAWSUIT e uniporme ng pulis. Pare2 : Ang tanga naman niya! Hindi ba suot ng abogado yun. A wife wanted to scare her alcoholic husband. One night, he comes home dead drunk, she dresses up as satan? Husband : Shhino ka? (hik) Wife : Si Satanas! Kukunin ko na kita! Husband : Huwag mo akong takutin? asawa ko ang kapatid mo! Update Date Sept. 1, 2003 SINO ANG CONCERN?? Quote of the week: "7 days makes one WEEK; 7 days of sex makes one WEAK; but no sex in a week makes one SICK; however, a good sex once a week makes one SEEK." -------------------------------------------------------- Tatay: 'Nak, bili mo ko ng soft drink. Anak: Coke o Pepsi? Tatay: Coke. Anak: Diet o regular? Tatay: Regular. Anak: Bote o can? Tatay: Bote. Anak: 8oz o litro? Tatay: Leche! Tubig na lang. Anak: Mineral, distilled o purified? Update Date Sept. 15, 2003 Anong Bansa ang walang pangit? UGANDA Anong Bansa ang di sikat? LAOS Anong Bansa ang tinutukso? CUBA Anong Bansa ang madulas? GREECE Anong Bansa ang hindi sa iyo? KENYA Anong Bansa ang nakagapos? ITALY Anong Bansa ang maraming bacteria? GERM-ANY Anong Bansa ang nagmamadali? RUSSIA Question: Ano ang similarity ng UTOT at TULA? Answer : Pareho silang nagmula sa POET! Update Date Sept. 22, 2003 Learn Japanese in 5 seconds: 1) Is this your underwear? Jakimoto? 2) Are you a regular customer? Sukikaba? Boss: Ipadala mo nga itong sulat kay Mr. Saycon. Secretary: (bisaya-accent) Sir, iTITI-legram ko ba or iKIKI-ble? Boss: Tanga! i-F UCKS mo! Update Date Sept. 29, 2003 Wife: Gusto kong magpadagdag ng boobs.. Husband: Ha? Hindi ba masagwa yon, magiging tatlo? Ano daw ang mas masarap kesa pinaupong manok? According to 100 women: Pinatayong IBON! Old man: Can you give me an erection? Faith Healer: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the "dead". Update Date Oct. 6, 2003 Waitress: How do you want your EGGS done, Sirs? American: I want my eggs fried. Japanese: I want it boiled. Pinoy: Ala eh! Sa kin, hawakan mo na lang, masarap na yaan! I thought my life is lonely till I saw a man with no arms but happily shakes his body. I asked him: "why are you! so happy?" He answered: "di ako happy, makati lang itlog ko!" Update Date Oct. 13, 2003 Nagdudula si Bert sa pulubing bulag kaya inihagis niya ang dalawang pisong barya. Bert: Nasalo mo pare, hindi ka bulag! Pulubi: Tama ka brod, hindi ako bulag. Pumalit lang ako sa talagang bulag dito. Bert: Nasan ang tunay na bulag? Pulubi: Nanood ng sine. Update Date Oct. 20, 2003 Nagpahula ang mag-ina kay Madam Auring.... Madam Auring: Bukas mamamatay ang anak mo sa apoy at bato. Mag-ina: Naku! Umuwi na tayo at mag-ingat tayo, baka pa tayo maaksidente. Kinabukasan. Galit na galit ang ina, pinuntahan niya ang manghuhula. Sabi ng ina: Sabi mo mamamatay ang anak ko sa apoy at bato, bakit nasagasaan? Madam Auring: Huminahon ka, puntahan natin ang lugar ng aksidente. Pinuntahan nga nila. Madam Auring: Sabi ko na nga ba at mamamatay siya sa apoy at bato. Ina: Ano? Nakikita mo bang nasagasaan siya, tapos sasabihin mong apoy at bato? Madam Auring: Tingnan mo nga ang gulong na nakasagasa: FIRESTONE!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Ina: Boy, hugasan mo na yong isda at iluluto ko na. Boy: Huwag na po inay. Malinis na ito at sa tubig ito nakatira. Update Date Oct. 27, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
  • Text Jokes
  • FLASH REPORT: Nag rebelde na rin cna sonny osmena at ernie maceda, cla daw ang MAGDALENA GROUP which will be headed by ping lacson. * * * * * * * * * * * * Wer n d world can u find Drug-Lords/Kidnappers, Comedians, Coup plotters, Dull Actors, Gay-Pdophiles, Basketball-bully being called, "YOUR HONOR"? Ans: PHIL SENATE Reactions to Coup: USA: "We fully support Pres GMA!" Australia: "We will send troops!" Pinoy: "May pasok ba bukas?" Update Date Nov. 3, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. 2004 Teams to beat: Lacson-Biazon or Ping-Pong Bayani (Bayani Fernando of MMDA)FPJ or Fernando-Poe De Castro-Mel Tiangco or Kabayan-Kapuso Sotto-Sonny O or Tito-Tita he! he! he! ---------------------------------------------- A Senate committee is a group of important senators who, singly, can do nothing but who, collectively, can decide that nothing can be done. ---------------------------------------------- GMA: siguro ikaw nagturo sa mga MAGDALO MUTINEERS na gumamit ng violence noh? ERAP:Gagang pandak ka talaga! Gitara nga di ako marunong, violins pa! Update Date Nov. 10, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Dati-rati, kung gusto mong mag rebelde, akyat ka sa bundok. Ngayon, kung gusto mong magrebelde, AKYAT KA SA HOTEL! Sino may sabing wala tayong asenso? ------------------------------------------------------------------- REBEL SOLDIER: senator, you promised us millions, even billions, if we staged a coup! nasaan na? HONASAN: Di lang bilyones ang binigay ko s inyo noh! TRILLANES pa! ------------------------------------------------------------------- Negotiators representing various sectors went to oakwood, Gen. Cimatu and Defensor for gov't, Gringo and Biazon for opposition and tito sotto for eat bulaga. yes! yes! awww! Update Date Nov. 17, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Lt. Trillanes & his group are snding their apologies to the filipino people. Mali daw dinig nila sa order ni erap. Kunin nyo si punyetang gloria hindi GLORIETTA! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ According to surgeons, politicians are the easiest 2 operate on. There are no guts, no heart and no spine. And the head and ass are interchangeable. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Flash news: Group of AFP Generals are planning to stage a mutiny at Camp Aguinaldo, they have called themselves the "MAGKANO" Group. Pls send contributions, thanks. Update Date Nov. 24, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Juan: Alam mo, pag nakakakita ako ng bituin, naalala ko ang mga polititians natin. Pedro: Bakit? Dahil bright sila? Juan: Hindi, dahil sila'y ko-corrupt corrupt! ------------------------------------------------------------- Anong difference ng holdupper sa politician? Sagot - Holdupper magnanakaw tapos tatakbo politician tatakbo muna bago magnanakaw. ------------------------------------------------------------- In a drug store: ERAP: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson. CLERK: Sir, Vitamin A, B or C? ERAP: OK lang kahit ano, hindi pa marunong ng alphabet ang apo ko. Update Date Dec.1, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Watch CNN! There are now several tanks on South Superhighway moving towards Makati! May GASUL, SHELLANE, TOTAL and MANILA GAS. Order na! ------------------------------------------------------------- Be careful with ERAP jokes dat u txt 2 ur frends. Erap s now monitoring smart n globe 2 find out who s making fun of him. TXT IN ENGLISH ONLY TO AVOID DETECTION. Update Date Dec.8, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Tatakbo daw c Gringo n Fernando Poe sa 2004 election. Ano kaya tawag sa tambalan nila? GRI-POE? Ang pangit naman pkinggan. Mas lalong pangit naman kung POE-NASAN! ------------------------------------------------------------- Question: What is coup d etat in Japanese? Answer : HU-NA-SAN! Question: What is coup d etat in Mexican? Answer : GRINGO! Update Date Dec.15, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. SONG TITLES TRANSLATION Did you know that some English song titles can sound so funny and outrageous when translated in Tagalog? Here are some of them: Imagine -- Mantakin Mo Bluer Than Blue -- Malapit Na Sa Hukay Too Young -- Nakana Mo Batang-bata Tonight's The Night -- Patay Kang Bata Ka Update Date Dec.22, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. SONG TITLES TRANSLATION PART II Hey Jude -- Hoy Hudas! Power Of Love -- Buntis How Deep Is Your Love -- Gaano Kalalim Yang Sayo Three Times A Lady -- Super Bakla More Than A Woman -- Tomboy (T-Bird) Can't Be With You Tonight -- Meron Ako Ngayon Update Date Dec.29, 2003 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. SONG TITLES TRANSLATION PART III Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know ! -- Huwag Mo Kong Gawing Tanga (wife version to husband) You Should Know By Now -- Alam Mo Na Dapat Ngayon Yan, Tanga! (mistress version to lover's wife) Sometimes When We Touch -- Minsan Kapag Tayo'y Naghihipuan Touch Me In The Morning -- Hipuan Mo Ko Sa Umaga Stairway To Heaven -- Mula Paa Hanggang Singit Update Date Jan. 4, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. SONG TITLES TRANSLATION PART IV Hurt So Good -- Array, Araa...ay Sarrap! Someone That I Used To Love -- Ang Dati Kong Pang-ibabaw (female version); & Ang Dati Kong Pang-ilalim (male version) Total Eclipse Of The Heart -- Maitim Ang Puso Update Date Jan. 12, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. SONG TITLES TRANSLATION FINAL PART I Left My Heart In San Francisco -- Walang Puso King And Queen Of Hearts -- Tong-it N! a Ko Sa Jack Pretty Woman -- AKO Y un! Hehe Update Date Jan. 19, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES PART I * Nakasulat sa pader: "MARUNONG KA BANG TUMAHOL? ASO LANG ANG UMIIHI DITO!" * along a highway in Pampanga: "WE MAKE MODERN ANTIQUE FURNITURE" * in a Baguio grocery: "FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE" * in Cubao: "NONE ID NOTHING ENTRY" * on a parking lot: "TAXI AND OUTSIDE CAR NOT ALLOWED" Update Date Jan. 26, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES PART II * along Luneta Boulevard: "BAWAL TUMAE SA BULEVARD" * on Jeepney and Bus signs: "BEFORE PAY, TELL WHERE GET THE ON BEFORE GET THE OFF" * on a Flower shop in Rizal Avenue: "WE SELL ARTIFICIAL FRESH FLOWERS" * on a delivery truck: "NOT FOR HERE" * on window of a restaurant in Baguio: "WANTED: BOY WAITRESS" Update Date Feb. 2, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES PART III * A grafitti inside the cubicle of a ladies' C.R. in a university: "PLEASE DON'T SIT LIKE A FROG, SIT LIKE A QUEEN." * At a men's comfort room, above a urinal: "HAWAK MO ANG KINABUKASAN NG BAYAN" * at a construction site in Mandaluyong: "BAWAL OMEHI DITO. ANG MAHOLI BOG-BOG" * somewhere along San Andres: "NO URINATING, ON THE OVER WALLS" Update Date Feb. 9, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES PART IV * vacant lot near makati ave.: "DON'T PARKING" * at an eatery in Cebu: "WE HAB SOPDRINK IN CAN AND IN BATOL! and this is the best of them all!! * on a building somewhere in the Philippines... "NOTARY PUBLIC TUMATANGGAP DIN NG LABADA KUNG LINGGO" Update Date Feb. 16, 2004Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. ALLEGATIONS Comelec: There are many allegations for your disqualification. One allegation says you are not a Filipino citizen. Another allegation says your father is a Spaniard and your mother is an American. Another allegation is you are an illegitimate child. FPJ: Who are these alligators? Update Date Feb. 23, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Bakit sa Pilipinas kung mag-aaply ka ng clerk kailangan college graduate ka, pero kung mag-aaply ka for president, high school drop-out ok na? ------------------------------------------------------------------- Just curious ha.. bakit??? Noong araw, ERAP na ERAP na. Ngayon ARROY,AROY!, wag na POE, wag na POE. Baka maLACSON ang KABAYAN natin at magka ROCCO-ROCCO ang buhay natin. Update Date March 8, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. GMA: Economic mind ROCO: academic mind EDDIE: Godly mind LOREN: changeable mind NOLI: no mind PING: mastermind FPJ: Never mind! ------------------------------------------------------------------ Lights, camera, action! Starring FPJ Directed by ERAP Script by ED ANGARA Produced by DANDING COJUANGCO Sa pelikulang, "BAYAN KO, TODAS KA!" Update Date March 22, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Presidentiables have records: GMA: D Pidal case ROCCO has textbook scam LACSON has kuratong baleleng Only FPJ has no records - not even school records! Nanay ko po! --------------------------------------------------------------- Lineup 2004 tandem: GMA/Flavier - Ang Pantay! Lacson/Sotto - Ang Lagay! Erap/FPJ - Ang Tagay! Maceda/Osmena - Ang Taray! Update Date March 29, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. FPJ victory is the solution to traffic problem! Dami close negosyo, Pinoy migrate Dami mall sara! So konti tao kalye. WALA NA TRAFFIC!!! FPJ ka na?? -------------------------------------------------------------- GAME KA NA BA? Kris: Ilang liters meron ang COKE FPJ: LITRO? Apat! Liter C, Liter O, Liter K, at Liter E! He-he-he! Wag nyo 'kong subukan! Matalino 'to! BOAT ME! -------------------------------------------------------------- MAGANDANG UMAGA, SA YO! bawal nang gamitin ang PO, sabi ni GMA para hindi sumikat ang PO na apelyido mula ngayon YO na ang gamitin imbes na PO ayon kay ARRO YO! Update Date April 5, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Please answer honestly. If you were to choose between FPJ or Ping, which country would you migrate to? -------------------------------------------------------------- FPJ vowed that once elected he would change the Lower House and Upper House. He wants them to be called ORCHESTRA & BALCONY! -------------------------------------------------------------- Philippine Airlines will be taken from Lucio Tan and will be given to Sen. Angara if FPJ wins. It will be called, ANGARA-PAL! -------------------------------------------------------------- GMA has assured Chinese community they will have a kidnap-free holiday. She asked her men for early vacation. Update Date April 12, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Paquito Diaz recruited by Lakas to be GMA's running mate. Napili siya kasi siya lang ang madalas makagulpi kay FPJ. -------------------------------------------------------------- Anong song ni GMA? Bongga k 'day! NOPE! Ocho-Ocho! NOPE! E ano? The Impossible Dream! 1,2,3, sing: "To dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable Poe" -------------------------------------------------------------- VARIANT GMA's campaign song: To dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable Poe, to bear with unbearable Roco, to run where the gay Ping not go -------------------------------------------------------------- Okay ba kayo riyan? Hwag magalit, joke lang "poe" ito Update Date April 19, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Pag si FPJ ang pangulo, maraming pagbabago? Pambansang isda: sugPOE Pambansang laro: trumPOE Pambansang gulay: uPOE Pambansang prutas: POEmelo Pambansang ibon: POEgo Update Date April 26, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. POE Diktionaryo: CHINESE MAD----- POE- YATA GRANDSON---------A -POE BOY WANT TO GO------POE-POE BUTT-----POE -IT GOD SA ILOCANO-----A-POE- DIOS GOOD PULUTAN-----POE- SIT CAT---------------------POE-SA Update Date May 3, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. GMA: Economic mind ROCO: academic mind EDDIE (Villanueva): Godly mind LOREN: changeable mind NOLI: no mind PING: mastermind FPJ: Never mind! -------------------------------------------------------- Lights, camera, action! Starring FPJ Directed by ERAP Script by ED ANGARA & TITO SOTTO Produced by DANDING COJUANGCO Sa pelikulang, "BAYAN KO, TODAS KA!" -------------------------------------------------------- Presidentiables have records: GMA: D Pidal case ROCCO has textbook scam LACSON has kuratong baleleng Only FPJ has no records - not even school records! Nanay ko po! Update Date May 10, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. Worst pinoy curse: May you have Gloria's stature, Ramos' fidelity, Ping's gender, Gringo's loyalty, Mike's honesty, Bacani's purity, Erap's wisdom and Cory's daughter Kris! -------------------------------------------------------- Ang susunod na pangulo ng pinas ay nagsisimula sa "P": Pwede si: Ping (Lacson) Panday (FPJ) Pandak (GMA) Pacman (Danding) or Pakirat-kirat (Roco) Update Date May 17, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. LEARNING FRENCH PART I TURN- le coup LITER- le true BEHIND- le coud ALMS- le mousse FIVE-le ma Update Date May 24, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. LEARNING FRENCH PART II FLY- le pad DID NOT TAKE A BATH- le bag CONFUSED- le tou UNFAITHFUL HUSBAND- cou ma le wah CITY- ce vou Update Date May 31, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. LEARNING FRENCH PART III DRUGS- sha vou GOODBYE- va vou MUSICAL BAND- com vou BALD- cal vou CAUGHT IN THE ACT- na vou coup, na coup!! Update Date June 7, 2004 Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX. LEARNING FRENCH PART IV FEATHERS- valahe vou UNCLEAR- ma la vou SINK- lah va vou JOSEPH ESTRADA- vou vou!! Update Date June 21, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. Pare1 : Ang tanga talaga ng kapitbahay ko. Pare2 : Bakit p're? Pare1 : Ang pagka-intindi niya sa LAWSUIT e uniporme ng pulis. Pare2 : Ang tanga naman niya! Hindi ba suot ng abogado yun. Update Date July 12, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. Nagpahula ang mag-ina kay Madam Auring Madam Auring: Bukas mamamatay ang anak mo sa apoy at bato. Mag-ina: Naku! Umuwi na tayo at mag-ingat tayo, baka pa tayo maaksidente. Kinabukasan. Galit na galit ang ina, pinuntahan niya ang manghuhula. Sabi ng ina: Sabi mo mamamatay ang anak ko sa apoy at bato, bakit nasagasaan? Madam Auring: Huminahon ka, puntahan natin ang lugar ng aksidente. Pinuntahan nga nila. Madam Auring: Sabi ko na nga ba at mamamatay siya sa apoy at bato. Ina: Ano? Nakikita mo bang nasagasaan siya, tapos sasabihin mong apoy at bato? Madam Auring: Tingnan mo nga ang gulong na nakasagasa: FIRESTONE!!! Update Date July 26, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. Q: paano mo mapapagkasya ang ang 11 mangga sa sampung katao ng walang labis at walang kulang eksakto sa sampu. A: eh di gawin mong manggo juice. Update Date August 23, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. FPJ JOKES: Ping Lacson : Half Filipino,half Filipina FPJ : Half American, half Idiot Roco : Half Hawaiian, half Polo Bro. Eddie : Half born, half Reborn GMA : H A L F !!!! ------------------------------------------ QUESTION: If FPJ, GMA,Ping Lacson & Bro. Eddie rode in the ill-fated Superferry, who would have been save? ANSWER : THE REPUBLIC OF THE PHIL.!!!! ------------------------------------------ Joke No. 3 : CNN : How are you going to reduce the price of electricity in your country? FPJ : Easy! I'll just change it from 220 to 110 volts!!!! Update Date September 6, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. LUCKY Dahil mahal na mahal ng isang batang batang magandang binibini ang kanyang mga magulang, pumayag siyang magpakasal sa isang lalake na gustong gosto nga ng mga parents niya. Pagkatapos ng kasal, nakisiping na si Miss sa Mister nya masakit man sa loob nya. Pangka umaga nf first night nila, humahagulgul umuwi ang babae sa kanila dahil masamang masama ang loob. Ano ba ang nangyari tanong ng Mama nya. MAMA,,MAMA...HU.hu...hu..hu.. My husband has only one foot. The mother ask : So what is wrong with that.. in fact you must consider yourself very lucky. Why Mama the daugther asked? Your father is having only six inches......... Update Date September 20, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. ANG UNGGOY Isang pamilya ang nadisgrasya dahil sa pagkahulog ng sasakyan sa Kennon Road (ama, ina, 1 batang babae, 1 batang lalake at alagang unggoy). Namatay ang mag-anak samantalang himalang nabuhay ang unggoy,kaya siya ang iniimbistigahan. Sa loob ng korte kasalukuyang nililitis ang kaso. lawyer: ano ang ginagawa ng batang babae? unggoy: (nag-anyong natutulog) lawyer: eh, ang batang lalaki? unggoy: (nag-anyong naglalaro ng eroplano) lawyer: ung ina?ano nman ginagawa? unggoy: (nag-anyong dada ng dada) lawyer: ano nman ang ginagawa ng ama? unggoy: (nag-anyong umiinom ng alak at lasing na lasing) Judge: Sa masusing pagsusuri ng kasong ito,napagalamang walang kasalanan ang unggoy sa pagkahulog ng sasakyan dahil napatunayang lasing ang ama kung kayat siyang matibay na dahilan ng aksidente. CASE DISMISS!!!!!!!! sa labas ng hukuman. lawyer: maalala ko pla, anong ginagawa mo sa loob ng sasakyan? unggoy: (nag-anyong nagmamaneho) Unggoy nga naman....... Update Date September 27, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. Parachute and Condom Ano ang pagkakaiba ng parachute at condom? Sagot: Ang Parachute pag nabutas patay kang bata ka. Pag ang condom nabutas buhay kang bata ka. Update Date October 18, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. ANG ELEPANTE Ang bida sa kwento ay sina Tyson, Jackie Chan,at Palito. Nag usap and tatlo na kung paano patatayuin ang elepante. Sinuntok ni tyson ang elephant pero di pa rin tumayo. Kinarate ni jackie chan ang elepahant pero di pa rin tumayo. Heto na ngayun si palito na papayat payat pumunta si palito sa likod ng elephant tapos sabay sipa ng malakas sa bayag ng elepante wala pang sampung segundo tumayo ang elpante Nag usap and tatlo na kung paano naman papaupuin ang elepante. Sinuntok ni tyson ang elephant pero di pa rin umupo. Sinarate ni jackie chan ang elepahant pero di pa rin umupo. Heto na naman ngayun si Palito na papayat payat pumunta sa uluhan ng elephant sa may malapit sa tenga saka niya binulungan ng " ANU ELEPANTE UULITIN KO PA BA ANG GINAWA KO SA IYO KANINA." Update Date November 1, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. PRAYER "I pray for you to be blessed with the Strength of Samson, the Wisdom of Solomon, the Patience of Job, the Faith of Abraham, the Courage of David, and ’d MONEY of Gen. Garcia (w/o d’ Trouble) . . . Update Date November 15, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. INIT AT LAMIG isang gabi ng dumating si pedro sa bahay niya galing trabaho ay nadatnan niya ang misis niya sa kama na hubot hubad at pawisan. Tila hinihingal pa at katatapos lang makipagtalik. Lalo siyang nagduda ng may mga damit panglalake ang nakakalat sa sahig ng kuwarto nilang magasawa. Sa galit ay kumuha siya ng itak at hinalughog ang booung bahay nagbabakasakali na makitang nagtatago ang kalaguyo ng asawa ngunit di niya nakita at inatake siya sa puso at namatay. Ng maaling pungat siya ay nasa langit na siya at nakita niya ang kaibigang si juan na oumanaw na rin pala at sila'y nagkwentuhan. Pedro : Pare ko kamusta patay ka narin pala!!... Juan : Oo nga eh ikaw din patay na rin pala!!... eh matanong ko lang paano ka ba namatay?. Pedro : Yun nga masaklap pare natatandaan mo ba si kumare mo!!... Juan : Oo naman!!... eh pano ka namatay?. Pedro : Sa init pare sa init kasi ganito yon nadatnan ko si ko mare na may katalik at katatpos lang edi sa init ng ulo ko hinanap ko sa bahay pero di ko nakita biruin mo yun. pagod ka ang init ng ulo mo ang init pa sa bahay edi yun inatake ako sa puso at namatay!!... Juan : Aaaaahhhhhhhh ganun pala!!... Pedro : Eh matanong ko pare ikaw nga pala paano ka namatay?. Juan : Sa lamig pare, sa lamig!!... Pedro : Bakit naman sa lamig?. Juan : Kasi pare kung binuksan mo yung freezer edi sana buhay pa tayong dalawa hanggang ngayon!!......... Update Date November 22, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. BUWAYA may isang milyonaryo ang nagpa-party sa kanyang mansion doon sa kanyang malaking swimming pool mayroong marami at malalaking buwaya at nagsalitang.. kung sino man ang makakatawid sa aking swimming pool ng hindi mamatay o hindi masusugatan ay bibigyan ko ng isang daang milyong dolyar at ipapakasal ko sa aking anak na babae....biglang nagtalsikan ang tubig ng swimming pool.. may isang lalaki ang tumalom at tumawid sa swimmimg pool ng hindi namatay at hindi nasugatan nabilib ang milyonaryo as sinabing ang galing! napahanga mo ako dun!...o, ano ang gusto mo ang isang daang milyong dolytar o ang aking anak na babae?....at sumagot ang lalaki hindi ko kailangan ang pera mo o kahit na yang anak mo...ang gusto ko ay kung sino ang tumulak sa akin! Update Date December 20, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. CEL FONE May isang Hapon. Kadarating lang galing Tokyo. Nag-aabang ng taxi sa NAIA. Ibinaba muna nya ang dalawang maletang dala-dala nya. Sa tagal ng paghihintay, binuksan nya ang relo nya at parang nakipag-usap. Naintriga ang isang Pilipinong nagngangalang Bentong. Bentong: Hello! Wat is dat? Is dat a cel fone? Hapon: Yes. Bentong: Sa sarili. Aba ok to ah. Mabebenta ko yan ng P100,000 sa kumpare ko. Uutuin ko 'to. Hapon: Wa a u askin? Bentong: Are you selling dat cel fone? Hapon: No. Bentong: I'll buy it for P5000! Hapon: No. Bentong: I'll buy it for P10,000! Hapon: No. Bentong: I'll buy it for P15,000! Hapon: Ok. Binigay ng hapon ang kanyang relo kay Bentong. Bentong: Sige. Tenks! (Sabay takbo) Hapon: Wait! (Inangat ang mga dalang maleta.) You fowgot the batteries! Update Date December 27, 2004 Submitted by Pepe. New Philippine MBA Teams: QUIAPO Snatchers BULACAN Sweets PANDACAN Giants BICOL Express DAET Coke ANGELES Devils NASUGBU Rats ABRA Kadabra NAVOTAS Virgins BACLARAN Machos CUBAO Farmers Update Date February 14, 2005 Submitted by Pepe. ANG EXAM Si Pedring at Carding after the exam. Carding: Perding, nahirapan ka ba sa questions sa exam? Pedring: Hindi! Carding: Ang galing mo naman! Pedring: Nahirapan ako sa answers! Update Date February 28, 2005 Submitted by Pepe. LUBOK Lumulubog ang barko... Pari: San Pedro! San Jose! San Juan!.... Madre: Sta. Maria! Sta. Clara! Sta. Lucia!... Intsik: Ano beyan! lubok na bahko tawak tawak pa kayo pasahero!!! Update Date March 28, 2005 Submitted by Pepe. Q: Bakit Intsik and kinikidnap at di Bombay? A: Siyempre, kse kung Bombay, pati ransom hulugan! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Anak: Itay sabi nila pag nakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal, pag naka-sideview kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas? Ano ho ibigsabihin non? Itay: Mukha kang pera. Update Date April 8 , 2005 Submitted by Pepe. THEME SONGS Theme song of married couples... 1 to 10 years - Araw-araw gabi-gabi 11 to 25 years - Saan ka man naroon 26 to 49 years - Gaano kadalas ang Minsan 50 years and up - Maalaala mo kaya Update Date April 18 , 2005 Submitted by Pepe. Intsik: "Magkano punta sa Makati?" Taxi Driver: " Ikaw lang bang mag-isa?" Intsik; "Bakit, di ikaw sama?" In an obstetricians clinic: Doc: "Hubad na, iha. Huwag kang mag-alala... I won't take advantage of you!" Girl: "Saan ko po ilalagay ang panty at bra ko?" Doc: "Diyan lang sa may tabi ng brief ko." Oooopps... Update Date April 25 , 2005 Submitted by Pepe Mother: Diba sabi ko kung hawakan ka ng BF mo sa dede, say "DON'T!", tapos kung hawakan ka sa pepe, say "STOP!"---eh anong nangyari? Daughter: Kasi sabay po niyang hinawakan kaya sabi ko, "Don't stop!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anak: Mommy, ang ganda ng bracelet mo. Bigay ba ni Daddy 'yan? Mommy: Ay naku anak, kung sa Daddy mo lang ako aasa, baka pati ikaw wala sa mundong ito. Update Date May 2, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Two married men talking... 1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel. 2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wife: Love, mahal mo ba ako? Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh. Wife: Enjoy ka ba sa akin? Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh. Wife: Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako? Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh. Update Date May 9, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Sa seminario: Madre: "Father, pagsabihan mo naman yung mga seminarista. Umiihi sila sa pader!" Father: "Sister naman. Maliit na bagay, huwag mo nang pansinin!" Madre: "Naku, Father, malalaki po!" Update Date May 16, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Dalawang madre ang kinidnap ng dalawang lalaki at sila'y hinalay. Madre #1: "Ama, patawarin mo po siya at hindi niya alam ang kanyang ginagawa." Madre #2: "Sister, yung sa akin, marunong!" Update Date May 23, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Sex is like mathematics: Add the bed, minus the lights, subtract the clothes, bring down the panty, divide the legs, be ready to multiply... Update Date June 6, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Judge: Amor, sabihin mo sa husgado kung bakit mo sinaksak ang mister mo ng kutsilyo habang siya'y natutulog. Amor: Your honor, inisip ko kasi, kung baril ang gagamitin ko, eh, baka magising ang aking anak. Update Date June 27, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Q: Kung "salumpwet" ang tagalog ng chair, ano ang tagalog ng wheelchair? A: Salumpo! Q: Ano tawag sa intsik na nasa wheelchair? A: Lumpong Shanghai! (mwehehehe). Update Date July 4, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Q: Ano ang sabi ni O kay 8? A: Ba't may belt ka? Q: Ano ang sabi ni 6 kay 9? A: Tabi tyo. Update Date July 11, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Q: Ano ang sabi ni 3 kay 1? A: Ba't wala kang boobs? Q: Ano ang sabi ni O kay Q? A: Ambastos mo, mag-brief ka nga. Update Date July 18, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Q: Anong sinabi ng kili-kili sa kili-kili? A: Walang magpapaputok! Q: Anong sabi ng kulangot sa sipon? A: Manigas ka diyan! Update Date July 25, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Q: Pwde bang magka-celphone ang mahihirap. A: Hindi. Kasi "The subscriber cannot be rich." Update Date August 8, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Customer: Pabili nga po ng asukal. Manang: Heto ang asukal mo. Customer: Bakit po asin ang nakasulat dito? Manang: Asukal yan, sinulat ko lang na asin para di lanngamin. Update Date August 15, 2005 Submitted by Pepe Judge: Amor, sabihin mo sa husgado kung bakit mo sinaksak ang mister mo ng kutsilyo habang siya'y natutulog. Amor: Your honor, inisip ko kasi, kung baril ang gagamitin ko, eh, baka magising ang aking anak. Update Date September 5, 2005 nanay:anak ano tong zero sa test paper mo? anak:nay hindi po yan zero, naubusan po kasi ng star si maam kaya binigyan nya ako ng moon. Update Date September 12, 2005 In the Philippines, you should know the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?....... A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge. Update Date September 19, 2005 Alin na bansa ang mabagal? SLO-VENIA Alin na bansa ang madulas? GREECE Alin na bansa ang hindi sa iyo? KENYA Alin na bansa ang walang pangit? UGANDA Alin na bansa ang di sikat? LAOS Alin na bansa ang nagmamadali? RUSH-SIA Alin na bansa ang tinutukso? CUBA Alin na bansa ang nakagapos? ITALY Alin na bansa ang maraming bacteria? GERM-ANY Update Date September 26, 2005 Gloria: Wala ng problema ang ating bansa. Wala ng kapitalismo,wala ng imperyalismo. Ang natirang problema na lang ay Akonamismo. Update Date October 3, 2005 ANAK : Nay, pakaksalan daw po ako ni Jeff?..... INA : Yun naman pala, pero bakit malungkot ka?..... ANAK : Kasi po wala po siyang religion, di siya naniniwala sa Diyos, at di naniniwalang may langit at purgatoryo..... INA : Sige, pakasalan mo nasiya siya ....sa ating dalawa niya malalaman na may langit at purgatoryo! Update Date October 10, 2005 Sa korte .... ATTY: Miss, pwede mo band i-describe dito sa korte yung nang reyp sa iyo? MISS:(umiiyak) maiitim po sya, kalbo, bungi, pango at mabaho po ang hininga. SUSPECT: SIGE!! MAMINTAS KA PA!! Update Date October 17, 2005 MAGNOLIA Ice Cream will introduce their new Presidential Flavors starting tomorrow. There are two(2) New flavors.... Impeach-Mint and Subpoena-Colada..... They will change the name of two(2) more flavors....Halo-Halo will be named Helo-Helo-Garci; and Buko-Lychee will be named Buko ka na- Lyche ka. Update Date October 24, 2005 Ano ang mas maraming sakay, jeepney or ambulansya? Sagot: Siyempre ambulansiya. Kasi ang jeepney, 10-10 lang bawat side. Samantalang sa ambulansya, madalas na 50-50 ang sakay. Update Date October 31, 2005 Pauwi si Kulas galing ng trabaho at pagbukas ng pintuan sa bahay niya, "BOOM"....biglang sinuntok siya sa kaliwang mata ng asawa niya.....sigaw ng babae, "Alam mo bang naglaba ako at may papel na nakasulat "Rosalinda" sa bulsa ng pantalon mo!" sagot ni Kulas, "Sweetheart naman, nangarera ako noong Sabado at pangalan ng kabayong tinayaan ko yun!" Kinabukasan, pag-uwi niya sa bahay, "BOOM"... sinuntok siya sa kanang mata ng asawa niya at sinabing, " Tumawag yung kabayo mo! " Update Date November 7, 2005 Habang nanahimik na umiinom ng beer si Kulas sa isang bar, may pumasok na higanteng lasing at nilapitan siya. Nabigla si Kulas ng hawakan ng higanteng lasing ang balikat niya at biglang kinarate sa leeg. Tumba si Kulas sa kanyang silya at sabi ng lasing , "Yan ang karate chop na natutunan ko galing sa Korea.".....Nang tumayo si Kulas, kinarate na naman siya ng higanteng lasing sa leeg. Tumba na naman siya at sinabi sa kanya, " Yan naman ang karate chop na natutunan ko galing sa China."......Yumuko si Kulas at kinuha ang isang sapatos niya at hinampas ang takong sa higanteng lasing. Tumba ang lasing at di na nagising....Sabi ni Kulas, " Yan naman ang takong galing sa Shoemart!" Update Date November 14, 2005 WALA 'YAN Nagya-yabangan ang tatlong magka-kaibigan tungkol sa lolo nila.. (unang nagpayabang si juan)... JUAN:Wala kayo sa lolo sumisid sa bermuda triangle sampung oras bago umahon... PEDRO:Hikain pala yan lolo mo, Juan, ang bilis naman umahon...wala sa lolo ko yan.. sumisid din siya sa bermuda triangle isang araw bago umahon... FELIPE:Ano ba yan mga lolo nyo ang bibilis magsiahon..wala kayo sa lolo ko sumisid sa bermuda triangle hanggang ngayon hinde pa umaahon.....(nalunod na pala). Update Date November 21, 2005 PASADO Anak:Itay naka pasa ako sa test..huhuhuh Tatay:nakapasa k nman pala eh bat ka umiiyak? Anak:Itay, kasi po pregnancy test..huhhuhu Update Date November 28, 2005 Ang KALABASA nakakapagpalinaw ng mata ang TALONG nakakapagpatirik ng mata. Update Date December 5, 2005 Nag-uusap ang magkaibigan...... ROSE : Alam mo bang ako ang dahilan kung bakit milyonaryo ang asawa ko!....... MARTHA : Bakit ano ba siya noon?....... ROSA : Bilyonaryo! Update Date December 12, 2005 Kahit na maraming pera ang magsasakang si Ponso, ay hindi pa siya nakakapanood ng sine sa kanyang buhay. Isang araw ay nagpunta si Ponso sa siyudad upang manood ng sine....ngunit ng mabasa niya ang rating ng movie, " UNDER 17 NOT ALLOWED"... agad siyang umuwi at tinawag ang 16 niyang mga kamag-anak. Update Date December 19, 2005 May pinay sa elevator,tapos may pumasok na French at Amerkana at nagyayabangan sa perfume. French: Hey you know what, I just bought Pleasures yesterday for $250 and it smells so good. Amerkana: oh yeah! me I bought tommy girl for $350 dollars! Si pinay pinagpawisan at tahimik lang,nang biglang ........... French at Kana: Eeeewwwww!!!!! what's that smell!!!! Pinay: That's the essence of sweet potatoes (kamote) $0.99 a lb. Update Date December 26, 2005 A Filipino customer walks into a Florida restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"...... When his waitress arrives, he orders, "dog and goat kilawen on minced ginger". The waitress calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Then all hell breaks loose!...... The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've of ginger." Update Date January 9, 2006 maliit na duck - "panduck" tirahan ng maliit na duck- "Pandacan" mataas na duck - "boonduck" nagulat na duck - "nasinduck" manggagamot na duck- "ducktor" musikero na duck- "conducktor" bayaning duck - "duckila" photogenic na duck - "kodak" malaking duck sa Ilocos- "duck-il" madaldal na duck - "dakdak" pantakip sa bibig ng madaldal na duck-"duck-tape" Update Date January 16, 2006 Isang tagpo sa loob ng kumpisalan s a loob ng Simbahan. Isang babae na humihingi ng payo sa Kura-Paroko. Pader,may suliranin ako.,meron akong 2 babaing loro na nagsasalita kaya la ng walang alam na sabihin kundi: HELLO, KAMI'Y MGA PATUKA. GUSTO NINYONG TUMUKA? Naku,Terrible pala ang kamandag na nalulon ng mga loro mo., pero meron akong solusyon dyan.Dalhin mo sila sa kumbento at isasama ko sila sa 2 loro kong mga lalaki na tinuruan kong magdasal at bumasa ng Bibliya.,ng sa ganuon, matututo silang sumamba at magpuri sa diyos . Naku,maraming salamat pader at ang babai'y tuwang tuwang lumisan. Kinabukasan,bumalik ang babae at dala dala ang kanyang mga loro. Isinama ni Pader yung 2 babaeng loro sa 2 lalaking loro sa hawla na kasalukuyang hawak ang rosaryo at nagdarasal. Wika ng 2 babaeng loro:HELLO, KAMI'Y MGA PATUKA. GUSTO NINYONG TUMUKA? Narinig at nanginginig na sinabi ng lalaking loro sa ka brod niya, BROD, BITIWAN MO NA YANG ROSARYO MO AT TILA SINAGOT NA ANG ATING DALANGIN. Update Date January 23, 2006 Sex is Religious: "Oh!...My God!" Sex is Delicious: "Oh!...ang sarap!" Sex is Athletic: "Sige...bilisan mo pa!" Sex is Pain: "Aray!...slowly naman!" Sex is Balikbayan: "Oh!...I'm coming!" Update Date February 6, 2006 Anong Mole ang maliit? E di sMOLE. Anong Mole ang pinakamaliit? E di MOLEcule. Anong Mole ang malaki? E di megaMOLE. Anong pagkain ng mga mole?E di MOLEteasers at magMOLElia ice cream. Anong Mole ang lumilipad?E di MOLElawin. NoMOLE ....hehehehe..... Update Date February 13, 2006 One day sa mental... BALIW:Dok,nalulngkot po ako... DOCTOR:Bakit naman? BALIW:Wala po kasi akong ibang makausap? DOCTOR:Ahhh...ganoon ba? BALIW:Kaya nga po ako gumawa ng sulat! DOCTOR:Para kanino naman yang sulat mo? BALIW:Sarili ko po, dok. DOCTOR:Ano naman nakalagay sa sulat? BALIW:Di ko pa po natatanggap, baka next week ko pa po mareceived. Mabagal po ang mail. Update Date February 20, 2006 "Am I pretty or ugly?" tanong ng naglalambing misis sa kanyang mister. "Both" sagot ng mister. "Ano ang ibig mong sabihin na both?" galit na tanong ni misis. "Ang ibig kong sabihin, you're pretty ugly." Update Date February 27, 2006 Nagkuwekuwentuhan sina Pedro at Juan. Juan: Pedro alam mo ba ang kuwento ng tatlong tanga? Pedro: Hindi! Juan: Pang-apat ka na! Update Date March 6, 2006 Humihingal si Totoy nang dumating sa kanila. Nagtaka ang Nanay niya. NANAY: Anak, ano bang nangyari? TOTOY: Nanay! Nanay! Nanganak na po ang baka! NANAY: Talaga? Eh ano ba'ng anak? TOTOY: Eh di baka rin po! Update Date March 13, 2006 Bartender: Sir, napansin ko bawat inom ninyo tumitingin kayo sa bulsa ninyo. Customer: Ahh, ito? Picture ng asawa ko ito… pag maganda na siya sa tingin ko uuwi na ako. Update Date March 20, 2006 PEDRO: " Kung ang babae nasa edad na 45-55, tinatawag nating nasa MENOPAUSE....ano naman ang sa lalaki? " JUAN: "Male Menopause?" PEDRO: "Hindi" JUAN: "Midlife crisis?" PEDRO: "Mali pa rin." JUAN: "O, sige sirit na." PEDRO: " E 'di....KINAPAUSE!" Update Date March 27, 2006 May dalawang magkaibigang nagbibiruan. Panoorin natin ang pinag-uusapan nila... Paulo: pare, ano ang paboritong kainin ng mga vegetarian? Angelo: andali naman niyan, p're, eh di mga vegetable. Paulo: eh, ano naman ang paboritong kainin ng mga humanitarian? Angelo: Ano? Paulo: eh di, mga human! Angelo: Gago! Update Date April 3, 2006 Tumawag si Ambo sa pilipinas at para makausap ang kanyang nanay... Ambo: Nay, kumusta na kayo diyan? Bakit hindi na kayo nagpapadala ng sulat sa akin? Nanay: Kasi anak, hindi ka na rin nagpapadala ng pera eh. Update Date April 10, 2006 Submitted by Peter. Isang lalake ang naakusahan sa pagbaril sa mga kalapati ni Juan.. at ang abogado ng nasasakdal na si Bartolo ay tangkang takutin si Juan sa pagtatanong.. (Abogado)--Ngayon mapapatunayan mo ba na ang kliyente ko ang bumaril sa mga kalapati mo?" (Juan)--Ang sinabi ko po ay palagay ko po!" at dito ay medyo nagkaroon ng puwang ang abogado.. (Abogado:)--Ahhh! at bakit mo naman napagsuspetsahan ang kliyente ko, ano ang patunay mo?".. (Juan)--Una po ay nahuli ko siya dito sa loob ng aming bakuran na may hawak na baril, Pangalawa nakarinig ako ng putok ng baril at Pangatlo nakita ko sa kanyang bulsa ang apat kong kalapati... At sinisigurado ko pong hindi lumipad duon at pumasok sa kanyang bulsa ang mga kalapati ko at duon nagpakamatay silang apat.........tapos!!! Update Date April 17, 2006 Submitted by Peter. Ano kaibahan ng Pulitiko sa Magnanakaw? answer: Ang PULITIKO tatakbo muna bago magnanakaw, samantalang ang MAGNANAKAW, magnanakaw muna saka tatakbo... Update Date April 24, 2006 Submitted by Peter. Nagpapayabangan si Pedro,Juan at Simon tungkol sa kanilang mga lolong Architect... Pedro: Ang lolo ko magaling ng Architect!, gumawa siya ng building na pagkataas-taas, sa sobrang taas naghulog sila ng bato sa rooftop isang buwan bago bumagsak!! Juan: Magaling na ba yun?!! Wala yan sa lolo ko!, yung building na ginawa nya mas mataas, naghulog rin sila ng bato sa rooftop kalahating taon bago bumagsak!!! Simon: Mga panis yang mga lolo nyo!!! yung lolo ko gumawa ng bulilding.. Naghulog sila ng sanggol sa rooftop pagbagsak lolo na yung sanggol!! Update Date May 1, 2006 Magsisi May isang lalaki na nasiraan ng auto sa harap ng isang liblib na lugar... Kun saan lupalop ay may sulmulpot na ermitanyong matanda na nagaalok sa kanya ng librong tig-1000 pesos. Namahalan yung lalake pero napilitan syang bilhin ito baka daw kase may magic yung libro kaya mahal. Nang mabayaran nya may babala ang matanda sa kanya... MATANDA: Huwag na huwag mong titingnan ang nasa likod ng librong ito, kung hindi ikaw ay magsisisi!!! Naayos na ng lalake ang kanyang auto at nakabalik sa kanyang bahay. Hindi siya makatulog dahil sa sinabing babala ng matanda. Hindi siya nag dalawang isip na basahin ang nasa likod na libro..... ang nakalagay sa likod.......... NATIONAL BOOKSTORE 29.95. Laking pagsisisi....... Update Date May 8, 2006 Submitted Elsa U. CONFIDENT VS CONFIDENTIAL: Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential? Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan. Update Date May 15, 2006 SAMPUNG TAON Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa korte ko ah! Swindler: Your Honor, kasalan ko ba kung hanggang ngayon ay di pa kayo napo-promote. Update Date May 22, 2006 ANG REGALO Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo, ah... Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit. Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya? Mrs: Memorial Plan. Update Date May 28, 2006 FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES: Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"? Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hangga ngayon, buhay pa ang animal! Update Date June 5, 2006 SUKO SA MISTER: Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago niroromansa... Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang niroromansa. Update Date June 12, 2006 KRIMINAL: KRIMINAL 1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?" KRIMINAL 2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito, wala pa rin siya! Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya. Update Date June 19 , 2006 AFTER THE WEDDING: Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na! Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si Mommy! Update Date June 26 , 2006 Anniversary Gift Bukas na ang wedding anniversary ni Kulas. Ang kanyang matapang at matabang asawang si Conchita ay nagpaalala sa kanya na dapat ay bigyan siya ng mamahaling regalo! CONCHITA : Hoy lalaki, alam mong bukas na ang ating anniversary. Gusto kong makitang regalo bukas sa driveway natin ay yung mabilis magpupunta ng 0 to 200 sa isang segundo lang. KULAS : Yes, dear! Kinabukasan lumabas si Conchita at nakita ang kanyang regalo sa kanilang driveway ... Isang Weighing Scale! OO nga pala, sa Sabado ang libing ni Kulas. Oopps, maling regalo. Update Date July 3 , 2006 Mas Malinis Daw Pare1: Pare, alin ang Wiwi na malinis, wiwi ng babae o wiwi ng lalake? Pare2: Wiwi ng babae. Pare1: Mali! Pare2: eh kanino sa lalake? Bakit? Pare1: Sa Lalake kasi ang wiwi ng babae, dumadaan sa kanal, samantala ang sa lalake ay sa tubo. Update Date July 10 , 2006 Sa isang religion class: Guro: Bakit tatlong beses tinanong ni Hesus si Pedro, kung mahal sya ni Pedro? Bentot: Ma'm, parang sa eskwelahan yan, kahit alam ng guro ang sagot, tanong pa rin ng tanong. Update Date July 17, 2006 Mas Bobo NANAY: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo kayang bilangin? Pepot: Mas bobo si tatay, Nay. Kasi narinig ko minsan sabi, "tama na inday, hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko." Update Date July 24, 2006 Ano sa Intsik...?? Q:Ano sa chinese ang.."ipakita mo ang aking ina" A:e di.."siomai mami" Update Date August 1, 2006 Past Tense Ba??? MISIS: Sir, pwede bang tulungan nyo ako? Gulong-gulo lang ang isip ko eh! RADIO HOST: Sige po misis, magtanong kayo. MISIS: Ang BIRD FLU po ba ay past tense ng BIRD FLY?????? Update Date August 7, 2006 Abuloy PARI: Lahat ng gusto mag-abuloy sa simbahan ay mangyari lamang na tumayo pag tugtog ng organo. Sige iho, tugtog na. ORGANISTA: Ano pong tutugtugin, Father? PARI: Pambansang Awit, iho. Pambansang Awit!!! Update Date August 14, 2006 Pinakamayabang Tatlong nagyayabangan na daga ... Daga1: kakain ako ng keso na may rat-killer! Daga2: ha!!! kakain ako ng keso sa mouse trap!!! Daga3: tsk! tsk! tsk! manood kayo!!!! manrereyp ako ng pusa!!! Update Date August 21, 2006 Pedro bumps a foreigner Pedro: ay sori Foreigner: sorry too Pedro: sori 3 Foreigner: what are you sorry for? Pedro: (kala mo bobo ako ha!) sori 5 Foreigner: i think you are sick! Pedro: hahahaha! sick daw, seven sunod! Update Date September 4, 2006 Juan: San ka galing? Pedro: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko. Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo? Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!! Update Date September 11, 2006 Anak: Itay, bibili ako ng band paper Itay: Anak, wag kang bobo ha? hindi "band paper" ang tawag dun! Anak: Ano po ba? Itay: "Kokongban" Update Date September 18, 2006 Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal? Juan: Di ko po kilala. Guro: Ikaw Pepe? Pepe: Di rin po. Guro: Di ninyo kilala si Jose Rizal? Pedro: Ma'm, baka po sa kabilang section siya! Update Date September 25, 2006 GF: I'm warning you! darating na si daddy within one hour! BF: Eh ano ngayon? eh wala naman tayong ginagawang masama ah! GF: Kaya nga! Kung may plano ka, dalian mo na!! Update Date October 2, 2006 Ito nga ang joke: sa story of Adam and Eve... sabi ng ibang lahi... definitely daw hindi pinoy si Eba at Adan...dahil kung pinoy daw, hindi nun kakainin ung apple...ahas daw ang kakainin ng pinoy! Update Date October 9, 2006 Women are physically stronger than men... Why? Because women can carry two mountains at a time! while men can carry only two eggs... Take Note! with the help of a bird pa! Update Date October 16, 2006 Madre: Father, tell your seminarian not to urinate along the fence... Father: Sister naman, maliit na bagay lang papansinin mo pa... Madre: No Malalaki, Father.. Malalaki! Update Date October 23, 2006 ENGLISH TAGALOG DICTIONARY (updated version) PART I 1) Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan 2) Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol 3) Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok 4) Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis 5) Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya 6) Devastation - sakayan ng bus 7) Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas 8) Statue - Ikaw ba yan? 9) Tissue - Ikaw nga! 10) Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa Update Date October 30, 2006 ENGLISH TAGALOG DICTIONARY (updated version) PART II 11) Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa 12) Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo 13) Deduct - Ang pato 14) Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?) 15) Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?) 16) Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking) 17) City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6 18) Cattle - Doonnakatila ang Hali at Leyna 19) Persuading - Unang Kasal 20) Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING Update Date November 6, 2006 21) Defense - Ginamit ng mga pan gsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING 22) It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod 23) Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11) 24) Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh DELUSION) 25) Delivery - Walang bayad. Kapag working lunch, eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian 26) Profit - Patunayan mo 27) Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet 28) Backlog - bacon saka egg 29) Beehive - magpakatino ka 30) CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto Update Date November 13, 2006 31) Debug - ang ipis 32) Defrag - ang palaka 33) Defense - ang bakod 34) Defer - ang balahibo 35) Deflate - ang plato 36) Detest - ang eksamin 37) Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V 38) Devote - ang boto 39) Dilemma - brownout!, a! 40) Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane Update Date November 20, 2006 41) Forums - apat na kwarto 42) July - nagsinungaling ka ba? 43) Liturgy - what comes after litur F 44) Thesis - ito a y... Update Date November 27, 2006 BALIKBAYAN SON Nagbalikbayan ang anak ni Pedro after 20 years sa Amerika. Isang umaga, nag-usap ang mag-ama: Pedro: John, marami akong ITINURO sa ating bagong maid. BALIKBAYAN JOHN: Dad, please speak in English!! Pedro: John, I fingered our new maid many times!!!! Update Date December 4, 2006 Apat Na Pari May 4 na pari na sakay ng tren na malayo pa ang lalakbayin kaya naman naisipan nilang magsabihan ng kanilang mga sikreto Pari 1: Ang sikreto ko ay may syota akong g.r.o. Pari 2: Ang sikreto ko naman ay pumupunta ko sa beer house gabi-gabi. Pari 3: Ang sikreto ko ay nagnanakaw ako sa pondo ng simbahan at nagsusugal at nagsasabong ako. Pari 1,2,3(nakatingin kay Pari 4): Ikaw anong sikreto mo? Pari 4: Ang sikreto ko ay ........................... TSISMOSO AKO!! Update Date December 11, 2006 Kutsara O tinidor Q.Bakit pag may nalaglag na kutsara sinasabing babae ang dadating pero pag tinidor ay lalaki? A. Kasi raw ang babae (kutsara) nanunubo, ang lalaki naman a.k.a tinidor dahil ito'y nanunusok... Update Date December 18, 2006 PANIWALA!! NUN: Father Damaso told me I have the gates of heaven between my legs and he has the key. MOTHER SUPERIOR: Lokong Fr. Damaso yan ah! He said it was an angel's trumpet. I've been blowing it daily!! Update Date December 25, 2006 TABA Pedro: Sobrang mataba na ang misis ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya… Juan: Ano’ng resulta? Pedro: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos ‘yung kabayo! Update Date January 2, 2007 Translations Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man Dum Gai Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan? Update Date January 8, 2007 I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift. Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting? That was an unauthorized execution. Lin Ching Update Date January 15, 2007 I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow-away zone. No Pah King Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? You are not very bright. Yu So Dum I got this for free. Ai No Pei Update Date January 22, 2007 I am not guilty. Wai Hang Mi? Please, stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao? Our meeting was scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao? They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum Update Date January 29, 2007 Stay out of sight. Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive. Yu stin ki pu Update Date February 5, 2007 Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO! Misis: Eh ako, sino? Mister: Si DACOS! Misis: Dacos? Sino 'yun! Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs! Update Date February 12, 2007 Job interview... Boss: Ano ang alam mo? Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit mo. Boss: Tanggap ka na! Update Date February 19, 2007 Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya... Jorge: Ano'ng resulta? Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos 'yung kabayo! Update Date February 26, 2007 Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo? Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok. Ama: Ano, madali ba? Anak: Chicken na chicken! Ama: Anong grade mo? Anak: Itlog po. Update Date March 5, 2007 Dalawang holdaper sa bangko... Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo! Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na! Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano! Update Date March 12, 2007 Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books? Pilo: 59 books po. Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books? Pilo: 77 books. Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books? Pilo: Ma'am, library po! Update Date March 19, 2007 Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito? Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon. Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied? Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo. Update Date March 26, 2007 After 50 years... Urbana: Mare, how's your sexlife? Dolores: Well, sa age ni pare mo, MUKHA na lang ang nagagalit, BALAHIBO na lang ang tumatayo at UBO na lang ang matigas. Update Date April 2, 2007 Mga kasabihan: "Magkasinlakas lang ang muscles namin ni Pacquiao, pero hindi talaga ako ang kalaban niya, bakit ba ang kulit ninyo?!" - VINA MORALES "Anong akala mo sa akin, mayaman?! Nauubusan din ako ng pera!" - ATM "You never even thanked me for making you happy, then you throw me away just like that... I hate you for using me, for making my life full of shit..." - TOILET PAPER Update Date April 9, 2007 "Huwag po nating salubungin ang mga bumababa. Hindi po natin sila kamag-anak." - LRT OPERATOR " Nap aka-unfair ng buhay sa mundo... Bakit hindi ako pwedeng magmahal?!" - UKAY-UKAY "You know, I feel I'm relaxing...you know... Thanks for da God... To all Filipino, thanks for da supporting wid me..." - MANNY PACQUIAO "Biktima rin ako ng abortion." - BALUT Update Date April 16, 2007 "Alam kong may gusto ka sa akin. Pasimple ka pa. Bakit hindi mo ako seryosohin? Pero bago ang lahat, gusto ko, alam mo na hindi ako easy-to-get." - FLAT 1.0 "Huwag mong sabihing pinaiyak kita dahil una mo akong sinaktan." - SIBUYAS "Panakip-butas lang ba talaga ako?" - PANTY "Halika, pag-initin mo ako! Kailangan kong pumutok upang ako'y iyong matikman at ikaw ay masarapan...ayaaan na! Malapit na!! Puputok na!! Aaaaahhhh..." - POPCORN Update Date April 23, 2007 "Huwag mo akong sisihin kung cold man ako dahil hindi naman ako magmamatigas kung binigyan mo lang sana ako ng konting importansya!" - KANING LAMIG "Hindi lahat ng alak, nakalalasing." - ALAK-SAN "Hindi lahat ng 13, malas." - 13th MONTH PAY "Hindi lahat ng lumilipad ay superhero." - MANANANGGAL Update Date April 30, 2007 "Hindi lahat ng bumabagsak ay nagsa-summer." - ERIK MORALES "Hindi lahat ng ngipin ay puti." - BLUETOOTH "Nandito ako sa harap ng bahay ninyo." - GATE "Bakit mo 'ko binibitin kung kailan kainitan at basang-basa ako?" - SINAMPAY Update Date May 7, 2007 "Lagi mo akong yakap. Nakapatong lagi ang hita mo sa katawan ko. 'Yun pala, tutulugan mo lang ako..." - UNAN "Masayang-masaya ako, kasi, ang dami kong date!" - KALENDARYO "Nagtatanong lang naman ako pero huwag mo naman akong murahin kapag hindi mo masagot." - TEST PAPER "Ang sarap haplusin ng buo mong katawan... at dumampi sa parteng ako lang ang nakagagawa. Masarap, di ba? Pero bandang huli, iiwan mo lang ako sa isang tabi..." - TUWALYA Update Date May 14, 2007 "pinapaikot mo lang ako Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti pang patayin mo nalang ako" -electric fan "hindi lahat ng walang salawal ay bastos" -winnie d' pooh "Alam mo ba wala akong ibang hinangad kundi ang mapalapit sa iyo. pero patuloy ang pag-iwas mo" -ipis "Hala! sige magpakasasa ka! Alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol mo." -hipon Update Date May 21, 2007 "Ayoko na! pag nagmamahal ako lagi na lang maraming tao ang nagagalit! wala ba akong karapatang magmahal?!?" -gasolina "Sawang sawa na ako palagi nalang akong pinagpapasa- pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako." -Bola "you never know what you have till you lose it. and once you lose it, you can never get it back" -snatcher Update Date May 28, 2007 "Ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka mahirap ba talagang makontento sa isa? bakit palipat-lipat ka? -TV "hindi lahat ng maasim may vitamin c" -kili kili pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik ako! -libag Hindi lahat ng hinog, matamis... -pigsa Update Date June 4, 2007 Libangan Sakristan: Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari? Pari: Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong. Sakristan: Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro? Pari: Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho! Update Date June 10, 2007 Mga Bagong Salawikaing Pilipino I * Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard. * Better late than pregnant. * Behind the clouds are the other clouds. * It's better to cheat than to repeat! * Do unto others ... then run!!! * Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang salop. Update Date June 18, 2007 * Magbiro ka na sa lasing, magbiro ka na sa bagong gising, huwag lang sa lasing na bagong gising. * When all else fails, follow instructions. * Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa. * To err is human, to errs is humans. * Ang taong nagigipit ... sa bumbay kumakapit Update Date June 25, 2007 * Pag may usok ... may nag-iihaw * Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin ... may utang. * No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry. * Birds of the same feather that prays together ... stays together. * Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot. Update Date July 2, 2007 * Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao. * Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa kanyang pinanggalingan .... ay may stiff neck. * Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster. * Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may taga, may tahi. * Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin. Update Date July 9, 2007 * Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment * Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin. * Better late than later. * Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay kubo, sa paligid puno ng linga. * Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na! Update Date July 16, 2007 * No man is an island because time is gold. * Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto ... muta lang yan. * Kapag ang puno mabunga ... mataba ang lupa! * When it rains ... it floods. * Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon ... mauubusan din ng kandila. * Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw, minsan nasa vulcanizing shop. Update Date July 23, 2007 * Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ... sapul. * Try and try until you succeed... or else try another. * Ako ang nagsaing ... iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh. * Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik. * Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago. Update Date July 30, 2007 * If you can't beat them, shoot them. (Nalundasan) * An apple a day is too expensive. * An apple a day makes seven apples a week. (really expensive) * Aanhin pa ang damo kung ang garden mo'y sementado * Aanhin pa ang damo kung bato na ang uso Update Date August 6, 2007 Juan: Kumusta ang assignment? Martin: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko. Juan: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo?! Update Date August 13, 2007 Usapan ng dalawang mayabang... Paris: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin. Ritchie: Alam ko. Paris: Ha? Paano mo nalaman? Ritchie: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko. Update Date August 20, 2007 Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo. Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin? Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera. Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n? Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay. Update Date August 27, 2007 Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit. Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit. Naunang namatay si Dado. Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado. 'Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?' usisa ni Rodel. 'Oo naman!' tugon ni Dado. 'Parang hindi totoo!' bulalas ni Rodel. 'O, ano, meron bang basketbol sa langit?' Sagot ni Dado, 'May maganda at masama akong balita sa 'yo. Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama... kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!' Update Date September 3,2007 Different prayers of single women... At Age 15: Lord, give me SuperMAN. At Age 18: Lord, give me a cute MAN. At Age 20: Lord, give me the best MAN. At Age 30: Lord, give me a good MAN. At Age 40: Lord, give me a MAN. At Age 50: Lord, give me sinoMAN. At Age 60: Lord, maawa ka naMAN. At Age 70: Lord, kaya ko pa naMAN. At Age 80: Lord, kahit hipo MAN lang. Update Date September 10,2007 Misis: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw na lang tayong nag-aaway Mabuti pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to! Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito, away roon! Mabuti pa siguro, sumama na ako sa 'yo! Update Date September 30,2007 Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa... ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad. DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan pa rin! What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife? Sagot: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited. Update Date October 7,2007 What is INNER ROW? Inner Row is that which comes before Pibrerow, Marsow, Abril, Mayow... Sa isang classroom... Titser: Class, what is ETHICS? Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks. Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card. Update Date October 14,2007 Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na. Pedro: Baligtad yata? Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare! Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo. Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist. Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay? Itay: 'Yung tagaayos ng radio sa car. Update Date October 21,2007 Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang kanyang misis na may katalik na lalaki sa kama . Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?! Mister: Sino 'yang katabi mo? Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN! Update Date October 28,2007 Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka? Harry: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko. Rodrigo: Bakit naman? Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya. Rodrigo: 'Yun lang? Anong masama ru'n? Harry: Ang masama ru'n... twins kami! Twins! Update Date November 4,2007 LADY: doc, meron po akong brownish discharge. Parang na-infect. DR : gaano kadalas ka mag sex? LADY: Once a year po. DR : Ahh, hindi yan infection, KALAWANG YAN!! GIRL: Ang puti ng bird mo! BOY : Abasyempre! Likas papaya ata gamit ko dyan! GIRL: Ginagamitan mo din ba ng downy? BOY : Bakit, bango ba? GIRL: Lambot eh! Update Date November 11,2007 GMA: Ano bang hinahanap mo dyan sa 3 in 1 coffee mo at kanina ka pa silip nang silip dyan? Erap: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal! May nakasulat kasi na "Sugarfree." GMA: Bobo! Banda yun! Bitoy: Dagul, bakit ang pandak mo? Dagul: Kasi, bata pa lang ako, ulila na ako. Bitoy: Anong kaugnayan nun sa pagiging pandak mo? Dagul: Sira pala ulo mo! Wala ngang nagpalaki sa akin! Update Date November 18,2007 Mr: kung marunong ka lang sanang maglaba, eh di nka2tipid sana tayo ng 2000 sa maid. Mrs: hmmph!! kung ikaw mgling sa kama , eh di nakatipid tayo ng 7500 sa driver! Doc: kambal anak mo. sister mo nagbigay ng names Ina: eh tanga un doc, ano pinangalan sa mga anak ko? Doc: sa girl, DENICE. Ina: aba, ok un! eh sa boy? Doc: DENEPHEW.. Update Date November 25,2007 Son: Ma, bakit kayo tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni daddy?? Mom: Wala anak, pinapaliit ko lang tiyan ng Daddy mo. Son: Nye! Mapapagod ka lang kasi hinihipan din uli yan ni yaya! A black baby was given a pair of wings by a fairy.... Baby: does this mean im an angel?? Fairy laughs.... Fairy: Of course not! negrang 'to, ambisyosa! Paniki ka! Update Date December 3,2007 doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung lalaki kanina? Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako ako sa resulta ng AIDS test! tapos sasabihin pa niya... THINK POSITIVE pare! In a petshop... Customer (talking to a parrot): "Hoy! can you speak ha? can you speak? BOBO!'.... Parrot: "Yes, I can! Ikaw? Can you fly, ha? Can you fly? GAGO!" Update Date December 10,2007 Bigo sa pag-ibig?? Maghanap na lng ng.... KUBA - mapagkumbaba PILAY - di ka tatakbuhan BULAG - la paki sa looks PIPI - di nagbibitiw ng bad words. at eto the best.... DULING - di ka hahayaan mag-isa! Magkaibigan kumakain... Pedro: Anong palaman ng tinapay mo? Juan: Kiso! Pedro: Kiso? Ano ka ba nakakahiya ka! Hindi yan kiso! Chess yan.. CHESS!! Update Date December 17,2007 Anong tawag sa uod na nasa gitna ng kalsada?? .....e di matapang!! Baliw1: bakit ang airplane, pag umiikot ang elisi, umaangat sa lupa?? bakit ung bintilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa rin?? Baliw2: Tanga ka pala e! kasi ung bintilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon! Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kunin ko lang toothbrush ko. Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako. Pari: Ok, antay ako. Sister: pasok na. wala na ako panty! Update Date December 24,2007 3 Baliw sa Mental nagku2wentuhan. .. B1: ako presidente dito! B2: wala ka sa akin! ako si bush, presidente sa america! B1: cno nagsabi? B2: Ang Diyos! B3: At kelan kita sinabihan?? Prof: who among u experienced having sex with a ghost?? Juan raised his hand... Prof: Really?? how does it feel to have sex with a Ghost? Juan: Ay pucha! Akala ko goats!! Update Date December 31,2007 Q: Bakit tahimik magbukas ng medicine ang tanga??..... A: Ayaw niyang magising ang mga sleeping pills.. Nyahaha!! Erap writing on a slumbook... Favorite actor: Arnold Schawrze.. (erase) Schaw.. (erase) Swarzen.. (erase) Washen.. (erase) Swachen..(erase) Arnold Clavio.. Update Date January 7,2008 Teacher: jigs, ano susunod sa 7? Jigs: 8 po! Teacher: sa 2? Jigs: 3 po! Teacher: ang galing mo! sino nagturo sayo? Jigs: tatay ko po! Teacher: O sige, ano susunod sa 10? Jigs: Jack po! Update Date January 14,2008 Nasa bubong ang sakristan namboboso sa pari at madre..... Madre: pano pag nabuntis ako?? Pari: bahala na ang nasa itaas! Sakristan: Tang ina, bakit ako? Nanonood lang. Update Date January 21,2008 REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo?? Police: DNA na... REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ??? Police: "Di Namin Alam" Update Date January 28,2008 Man#1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya Man#2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical Man#1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko! Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano... ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus! TATAY (Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo na ang krus, nakatayo ka pa! Lumuhod tayo!" Update Date February 4,2008 Employee: Boss, pwede ba ako na lang ang pumalit dun sa pwesto ng manager natin na kamamatay lang? Boss: OK lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya. bobo 1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad? bobo 2: Hindi eh! ano ba pare? bobo 1: Lowbat, Pare! Lowbat! Update Date February 11,2008 Masahista: Sir, ELMO pala ang pangalan mo? Lalaki: Hindi, ah?! Masahista: 'Yan ang naka-tattoo sa manoy mo. Ang liit nga! Lalaki: Ganu'n? Himasin mo... Masahista: (hinimas si manoy) Lalaki: O, ano ang nababasa mo? Masahista: Wow! EL FILIBUSTERISMO! Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top student sa aming klase! Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi? Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top student sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!

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